Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

Tory hq will be delighted, divide and rule in full effect as intended.

She sounds horrible. Friendships and relationships often live or die on whether people can hold back from saying the worst things and telling a couple who’ve struggled with infertility that they are lucky they don’t have children is definitely one of the worst things. You won’t forget it. She’s very lucky you continued politely at dinner- at the very mildest it must have been extraordinarily tempting to say I know,‘imagine how all those people who haven’t had a large inheritance feel.

Is T short fit twat? She is unbelievably rude.

I was completely with you until you said you're paying someone else's nursery fees (very kind btw). That's created an impression for me that actually you are well off, and whilst you may not be unaffected by the cost of living increase, it is insensitive to speak of that to someone who is actually struggling.

That said, having experienced both in the past, fertility issues affected me far more negatively than money issues, so it was very ugly of her to go there. Incredibly insensitive and not equivalent to your potential faux pas. There was also no excuse for her to be rude in response.

I would have rid myself of anyone who threw my childlessness in my face. I have 2 ivf babies now.

Well she can get a full time job and/or pull the kids from private schools. She has options!

Yes, the friend has options - she's not going to be thrown into poverty or anything near it. But if she's being forced by the current economic crisis (which she no doubt didn't anticipate when planning a family) to remove one or more of her children from their schools, that's clearly not easy for anybody, least of all the child/ren.
The OP clearly isn't facing those kinds of issues, and saying that everyone is suffering from the situation, when she clearly isn't, is crass. Some are suffering a lot more than others. OP is probably suffering far less than most. So it would be a good idea not to pretend otherwise.

What a crass little person you sound.

I suspect you identify with the OP's friend.

It’s really bad manners to scrutinise someone’s personal financial circumstances when you’ve been invited to their house for dinner. She needs to learn some table manners.

What a horrible post. People like you are always looking at what other people have.

Bear in mind that OP’s taxes are paying for your sprogs.

Ive a friend like yours. She has no mortgage and never has but keeps that a secret but meanwhile gives out any chance she can about financial woes . I’m not sure if it’s just cuz I can’t sleep at one in the morning but are a lot of people just selfish f**kers?

Also it’s amazing her husband apologised for her ! My friend’s husband wouldn’t dare

Your friend was rude yanbu.

She is entitled to rant away but not to make it personal with insults.

Awk op I’m so sorry to you, you sound like such a lovely, caring, generous person and good for you that you & DH have good jobs and a good income- uve no reason to feel anyway bad about that!
if it was me and this situation happened it would totally be friendship over the way she purposely brought up the fact you don’t have any children knowing you went through/going through fertility issues- that in itself would be too much for me to ever be a friend to her again!
I really hope one day that you & your DH are able to have a child/children someway as you sound like you would make wonderful parents- I wouldn’t waste my energy on her negativity you don’t need that. All the very best of Luck to u & DH op xxxxx

Oh, your so-called friend’s comments about you & DH not having children, that indirect throwaway line that lands below the belt(!) - unforgivable.

That’s her scrubbed from my Christmas card list.

YANBU to be very miffed.

People are just so insensitive. I’ve been told how lucky I Am not to have children - even though I wanted them - people are just self-centred & even that comment showed she was just thinking about herself . You have nothing to lose by telling her that she upset you and why

A random thought just struck me - she's not pregnant again and freaking out about it, is she?

Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

Your friend was out of order, however if you can offer to pay nursery fees for someone else it doesn’t sound like you are struggling with money.

I fail to understand how so many women on MN have off-key friends. If you need friends so much that you accept scorn/can't put across to friend how you feel at the time/hold on to unpleasant friends regardless then there are neediness and boundary issues, and failure to know and accept when to let go.

A real friend wouldn't think if or speak to you like that. Maybe she's dissatisfied with her life in some way but that's neither your fault or problem.

@DeeCeeCherry
i have lovely friends who, like everyone, are deeply flawed and f**k up sometimes.

She’s not unreasonable to feel how she feels. She was unreasonable to whinge to you about it on the basis she has to fund 3 kids and you don’t. I’m the worst off out of all my friends . Everyone is finding it tough/tougher, but they wouldn’t be as insensitive to go on about their struggles, just as I wouldn’t go on about mine to someone who was having to cope with much less than me.

Sorry I think you were unreasonable to complain about the cost of living impacting you - its a little disingenious to claim to be suffering if all it means is that you can save less and bizarrely spend more on charity (feels a bit virtue signally to be honest)- she just (over)reacted to your comments.

Just because she lives an expensive life doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel sympathy if she has to change her life-I wouldn't necessarily choose to privately educate but if you do and the cost of living crisis could mean that you had to pull the children out of school -that is a horrible impact- anything that big would be painful- and can be exacerbated as you feel guilty as well as if you hadn't chosen to privately educate your children wouldn't be disrupted (as for example your nephew would be disrupted in being pulled out of nursery)

you don't sound very supportive of each other tbh

I think in British culture it would be seen as strange for a poster to start a topic about their wonderful relationships and friendships. Potentially this would seen as smug and bragging. Neediness and boundary issues often stem from childhood. It definitely did for me. I wasn’t allowed boundaries, don’t think I’d heard of the word until in my 40s when I had some cracking therapy and for me, these were something confusing, which other people had.

I had a few rounds of ivf and a dd as a result. I know how lucky we are. Idk if you’re continuing your journey, but I wish you all the very best. As for this ‘friend’, I would also be wondering if this friendship had run its course and not sure if I’d contact her again.

If you do want to contact her, I’d probably say something along the lines of being surprised by the way the conversation turned and very hurt that my childlessness was used against me, especially as she knows my ivf struggles. Then ask her if she’s ok. Her response to that would say a lot.

We are all cutting our cloth accordingly aren't we? It might be shopping at a cheaper supermarket, or cancelling Sky & Netflix, or taking on extra shifts at work. Even if you earn £100k a year things you pay for as part of your lifestyle (living within your means) may be up for the chop.

This friend chose to have 3 kids and chose to send them to private school. If she is feeling the pinch financially, as hard as it might be for everyone, the children might have to be sent to a local comp instead. And have some of their clubs/hobbies cancelled too. At some point in all our children's lives, a recession or financial burden has hit most of us, and we've had to disappoint our kids. It's tough but there it is.

I think OP has been treated appallingly by her so-called friend, given the context of OPs fertility challenges. That's a bitchy thing to say. And OP helping out her SiL is admirable, considering her SiL's position. OP gives generously to charity too. It's not like OP and her DH are unaware of the challenges most of us are facing at all. I think she absolutely knows what's going on. I would let this friendship go.

You are claiming to feel the pinch too but then say in the next breath you are upping your donations and paying someone else's nursery fees? You clearly aren't feeling the pinch the same now are you? My childfree friends with professional jobs will just put less into their savings account, that's the impact on them, they aren't making any changes to their day to day life.

People struggling aren't necessarily those on low wages, lots of people who earn lots have massive outgoings, this is usually people who have childcare to cover. Pretending to be worried to someone who is genuinely worried when they know what your situation is going to annoy them. Why didn't you just lend a sympathetic ear?