Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

Sorry the part I'm wondering about whether t wrong is, DP said "you didn't need to take over, I was sorting her".

My argument is that I was already behind the times I needed to have her up and ready by. So my options as I saw it were:

1. Do nothing and be late for work
2. Knock on the bathroom door and prompt him to hurry up so he can do it
3. Do it myself

I genuinely felt that 3 was the best option as it helped my own anxiety, it didn't inflame or cause an argument like 2 might have done. I just got on with it. It was then him who made the inflammatory comment when I was just getting DD sorted as quickly as I could myself.

I have no idea why it's underlined all the times, sorry!

I’m struggling to see why you are the one doing drop offs. Why is this? His commute is shorter.
Firstly, you don’t need justification to end any relationship. You are a free adult and you have choice.
That said, this by itself, if it’s the only issue, speaks more about his inability to cooperate and communicate than it does about a dying relationship.
But tell us why you are doing drop offs??

Why doesn't he do any drop offs and pick ups?
you weren't being unreasonable by the way. He's a lazy selfish man.

@Cautiouselectric

Thanks for your reply.

I do the drop offs and picks ups because the nursery is on route to my work. DP works in the opposite direction so it would be a significant detour for him.

Honestly. You are over reacting. It's a daily normal frustration.

He did get up. It wasn't to your schedule you got annoyed.

Just tell him if she isn't ready by the time you leave he has to sort her out

If he doesn't get her up in time and you're going to be late, why don't you leave and let him do the drop off?

That makes sense then OP, but all else being equal he was really mean.
You need to draw a line in the sand for him and let him know that you will not be spoken to like that and blamed for everything and be serious about how you will respond to it. He needs to help. And he needs to not pick fights with you.
I‘m sorry that you had a horrible start to your day.

@maddy68

He leaves at the same time as me. He would just walk out and leave me to it. There's no way he would sort her out.

You missed an option:

Great she's had a lie in, see you later. And walk out the door and leave him to take her. Yet again a scenario where he is able to do this because he knows you will pick it up,

Then you say:

DP, in order for us both to be at work on time add needs to be ready to go. This works if we work together. I get up at 6 so I can be ready to go however on reflection let's split the drop offs.

He couldn't do that if you walked out first. You need to show him you mean business! You should have just left early rather than taking over.

He would be fuming and tell me I'm completely unreasonable for making him late for work as he would have to take a significant detour

But, could he actually do the drop off, if you ignore the fact that he has to do a detour? You say you do it, & you also say that his morning laziness/attitude is causing problems for you & not for him, & problems in your relationship. Perhaps suggest that he does the nursery run for a bit, put the problem on him - if he doesn't sort her out, he suffers the consequences. Maybe he needs to see the results of his actions to really get it - some people just don't until they see the physical, practical reality of a situation.
Or, do you feel that the relationship is already too far gone anyway?

But you're not allowed to be annoyed. Complete lack of respect for your job. Let me guess - he dies nothing sound the home.

@maddy68

I take your point about overreacting and it's possible as my mental health so so poor at the moment.

The being to my schedule comment though - just to say that it has to be, because I'm the one who takes her to childcare so I know the timings that I need to work to to get there and make it to work on time. DP doesn't care about that because his morning commute isn't affected by those timings. And if DD isn't ready on time, he will just walk out saying "right I'm off to work now, or I'm going to be late". Just leaves me to it. Not caring or thinking that I'm also going to be late.

I think you are right OP, you've spoken to him repeatedly about timelines and at the point that he took himself off to the bathroom you had no choice but to get your child you and sorted yourself.

Banging on the bathroom door would have simply led to him being annoyed at you "badgering him in the bathroom".

Would you consider next time this happens just leaving the house yourself, thus making nursery drop off his problem? Ie if your child isn't ready by 6.30am you literally just leave at 6.30am, giving him no chance to leave before you. And you can let him know this is literally what he does to you and point out how utterly shit it is!

You don't need any reason to leave though, if this is going to improve your mental health ultimately then it could be the best decision for you and your child. You at least know what to expect every morning, you won't be expecting anyone else to help and thus you won't be let down.

He would be fuming and tell me I'm completely unreasonable for making him late for work as he would have to take a significant detour

Yes, no doubt he would be fuming but I’m reasonably confident he wouldn’t do it again. If this is a drop in the ocean of him being unpleasant to you then obviously you need to evaluate your situation but if this is an isolated issue you need to let him know really firmly that this is your boundary.

Try not to mull all day. You did fine.

I think this is just "the straw that broke the camels back"

Him being lazy and not helping out when he'd previously agreed to is annoying and you have a right to be irritated by this.
I don't think getting out of bed 10 mins late is something that can't be worked through or is enough to end a relationship over. It is completely your decision though if you are genuinely not happy.

Is this the tip of the iceberg and he's just a lazy uncooperative bastard generally?

@44PumpLane

Yes exactly, I knew that knocking on the bathroom door would likely inflame the situation so the quickest and easiest solution was to just do what needed doing myself and say nothing to him. And despite me just getting on with it and not engaging in any conversation or argument with him, he felt the need to say to me "can you just calm down" when I'm rushing around.

That for me was the worst part. Why not just say "can I help, you seem stressed?" or something. But "calm down"? How is that going to help anyone. Is it just me or was that a deliberately shitty thing to say?

@CanIHaveAHolidayPlease

He's not lazy in other ways. He does a lot of stuff for DD and he does help around the house (albeit prompted at times, but he does).

But here's the major issue with his attitude:

His job is THE most important thing in the world. He MUST get there on time. He cannot be late. He cannot be responsible for anything in a morning that might make him late for his important man job, so if the child is creating an issue that makes anyone late - well that's on me to sort. Because I can be late for my job. I'm a woman so my job is less important by default.

Hence the issues we come up against in a morning. He will work to his own timescales. When it's time to leave, off he goes. No regard for anything or anyone else.

@sameshitdifferentdayffs tell him you have to be in early a couple of times and leave the house before be gets up. While telling him this, tell him how long it takes to reach nursery and do the drop off (suggest but don’t tell him, what time they will need to leave for him to reach work). Leave them to it. Go for a coffee en route. After a few days revert to normal if you want or just say, you will do pick up.

Next time you need to leave, as PP have said.

You've tried talking to him, now you have to show him the consequences of his actions.

If he's not up and getting your DC ready at 6.30am, leave and grab a coffee and have a sit down on the way to work.

He needs to learn that if you split up, this is what he'll need to do 50% of the week and right now he has a really sweet deal.

He should be pulling his weight on the parenting front, but sometimes the only way to make people understand how heavy the load you are carrying, is to make them carry it themselves for a while.

Him having to drop of his DC at nursery and be late for work will make him understand why you don't want to be late for work. And he can't complain about it (though no doubt he'll try) as HE was the one who caused the lateness (only it will fall on him not you this time).

In this case, it does sound like he started a fight out of nowhere. Telling someone who is silent to calm down is odd. Telling someone they are the sole reason the relationship is failing is pretty low and implies he wont ever take responsibility for his part in any arguments. But maybe there is more to it eg you're a bit passive aggressive and slam things, dirty looks etc which convey anger without talking. Also, it's fine to say you need the baby ready at 7.10, but telling him what time he needs to get the baby up to do this could be seen as micro managing- different people have different routines and can do things at different speeds.

In a practical sense, it may be worth giving him the whole responsibility for the morning ie telling him that you need the baby at 7.10, he is responsible for all of it, but you will be leaving at 7.10 with or without the baby so he will have to do drop off if he is late. Otherwise, I know you say it's on your way to work, but it still is a significant detour for you as well having to do a handover and stop etc. And unless your nursery is ages away like half an hour, then he could do drop off or pick up. A lot of people me included didnt have a nursery on the way to work and it's not fair that it always falls to one person. My husband drove past our nursery...but I still did pick up (3 out of 4 times a week) as it would have meant a shorter working day for him or he would have had to get up v early. We also changed our working hours a bit, me to start and finish earlier and him to start and finish a bit later so they weren't in nursery 8 - 6 every day (though they did end up being in hose hours sometimes)

Also it sounds like there are things you could do to make it easier eg making lunches, showering the night before, giving your daughter a snack in the car so she can eat breakfast at nursery (if she gets up a bit later) etc.

Back to the arguments, only you know whether this is typical of him, whether he blames you for stuff that is his own fault, whether there is a pattern of him promising support but actually making your life harder. How is he in general? Was he supportive over the PTSD or PND
? Or do you think his shit behaviour has had a part to play in it all?

Do you still love him?if you do and you're just both at the end of your tether with everything and not communicating then therapy might help. If not and there is a definite pattern of his poor behaviour then YANBU to leave

Why do you care about whether he's cross if he's making you late? If she's not ready, just walk out and he can do drop-off. It's not you making him late, it's his own actions.

@sameshitdifferentdayffs
I hear about a lot of men with this attitude, it really annoys me. I don't know what the solution is. It's as if their lives haven't changed since having children and the woman is the default carer. Who needs that stress? Life shouldn't be that hard should it?