Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

She does eat there, she has a second breakfast at about 8.30/9am. I choose to give her something at home too because I feel that 2 hours is too long to wait for her breakfast when she's been awake since 6.30am. I hate the thought of her feeling hungry 😞 plus it's half an hour drive to nursery so I don't want her feeling hungry in the car etc. just my personal choice to feed her first thing when she wakes.

She eats again at nursery, I joke with them about how she's having her second breakfast 😂

So you're walking on egg shells ? Not good

As others have said, I would be out that door and leave him to it.

You are already rowing and having thoughts of leaving so what if it causes WW3?

At least you would have tried.

@Topseyt123

He has set start times. My job is more flexible in the sense that I can start later and finish later if I want to. That doesn't work for me because if I finish later, I'm late for the nursery pick up, so I can't actually do it in practice. But in theory, my job has more flexibility in terms of actual hours worked so long as I do my weekly contracted hours. DP has set start and finish times with no flexibility. So him being late would have different consequences than me being late.

Having said that, me being late still fucks up my week, as I have to make that time up somewhere and due to nursery pick up, there's a limit to how late I can stay. Which means I'd end up making up the hours on my day off.

Leave earlier, then. You said you are up, showered, dressed and have had breakfast by 6.30am. So if he's not got up by then and you know you will be late (plus is must be stressful for a 16 month old to be rushed out the door), then tell him, that on the days he hasn't got her up for 6.30am, you will leave (say by 6.40am) and he can take her to nursury on those days, as he's got more time to amble about.

He'd be saying "You do the drop offs because you wanted that nursery closer to your work, you can't then expect me to do it and be late for work". Etc.

Did he even look at nurseries with you?

can you maybe shift the morning jobs and ask him to sort breakfast out for you both while you get DD up?

Not that its a perfect solution, but if DD being up is the single most important thing to your day, i'd be inclined to re-jig the morning designated jobs to make my life easier and less stressful!

I know there's been a lot more comments since this but all I could think was "but he's ok making you late?"

It's meant to be a team effort. If he's not holding up his end of the deal, I'd walk out too and let him see what you deal with every time he's late. Maybe that'll show him.

He did yes. He didn't feel particularly strongly either way, but I felt quite strongly that one was much better than the other, so we went with that. At the time I was also happy that it was the one closest to my work so I could get to DD more quickly if needed, eg if she was sick, as the other option would have been a 45 min drive from my work, compared to this one which is 20 mins. At the time we said this means all the drop offs and pick ups will fall to me, and it sounded OK as I assumed he would help in the mornings beforehand. I didn't realise I'd have to fight with him for that help, too.

Not a solution but I think you can skip breakfast at home! Or do it soon when she can snack on something in the car, a banana or something.

If I were you I’d make something for DD to eat in the car and let her have a longer sleep especially if she’s also having breakfast at nursery. Maybe just give her a bit of milk at home or something that takes 5 minutes then something in the car. Adding a long, sit down breakfast into an tight timetable is adding unnecessary stress to everyone, including you. I really feel for you though. You obviously feel very unheard in your relationship

He should have done the agreed morning routine and this is not the issue, but it does really sound like you could make your mornings easier for yourself OP.

An hour for your childs breakfast seems a bit daft.

You say you have to wake her to get her ready. Can you not just do all your bits first, then get her up dressed and maybe feed her a yogurt or something to keep her going?

Make your lunch the evening before. Have your breakfast prepped ready for the morning etc.

I KNOW this is not solving the bigger issue, but you could make life easier for yourself if your husband is being a twat.

Possibly one thing to do would be, for a week, double down and do the whole thing yourself. Have your shower and get your lunch packed in the evening, get DD up and fed and out to your schedule, pick her up. Then at the end of the week, say to him, "turns out I can manage quite well without your input. So the question is, what are you actually bringing to this relationship? Why would I not be better off leaving you and claiming child support? What's in this for me at this point since I clearly can't expect any useful help or emotional support from you?"

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

I hear what you're saying.
Just wanted to say it's half an hour for her breakfast, not an hour. But yeah, I understand the point you're making. Maybe I'm making life harder by giving her a full breakfast at home. I just feel bad that she has 30 mins drive to nursery then not getting breakfast til 8.30. I hate the thought of sending her there without a full tummy.

If I had an agreement then I would have left to go to work and left husband to it. He may not change until he feels the pain of his decisions.

He would be fuming and tell me I'm completely unreasonable for making him late for work

But it's OK if he makes YOU late for work because his job is more important than yours?

F that attitude.

Next time, if he's running behind the schedule you've both agreed on, walk out and tell him he'll have to take her to nursery. If it makes him late then it's on him and he should get up earlier.

This sounds the tip of a very resentful iceberg. It sounds like you feel you have two choices, keep quiet and do as you're told to keep the peace, versus sepak up and face WW3.

It is no wonder you feel your mental health isn't good, and it could be less to do with the PND and more to do with the relationship. It sounds like you're feeling really stressed, and shouldering much of the care and organisation for your shared daughter, and rather than leaning in, he is really making things more difficiult for you.

Try not to get bogged down in this one argument, I think there's a broader issue at play. Can you get away with your dd to see parents or family this weekend and just get a change of scene and have a bit of a think about what it is you want?

He did yes. He didn't feel particularly strongly either way, but I felt quite strongly that one was much better than the other, so we went with that. At the time I was also happy that it was the one closest to my work so I could get to DD more quickly if needed, eg if she was sick, as the other option would have been a 45 min drive from my work, compared to this one which is 20 mins.

I know the thought of them being ill and waiting isn't a great one but there hasn't been a single occasion when mine have been in childcare or school when they couldn't have managed a 45 minute wait.

I really would look at childcare options nearer to your home so that you can share pick ups and drop offs with your DH.

I don't think you're overreacting. If it was a once of fair enough but you've spoken to him multiple times about this and he continue to be useless.

My DH and I have an arrangement when it comes to childcare. I have to leave the house earlier due to commute and I also don't drive, so DH does the nursery runs and we work together to make it work.

I make it a bit easier for him by picking out the clothes, sorting breakfast before I leave and he takes it from there. He does the nursery pick up and sort out something for DS to eat and entertain him until I'm back from work and then I take over and sort out dinner, bath and bedtime.

I'ts called team work and not stressing out your partner by not being able to do simple requests.

Your partner is a piece of shit IMO.

OP, I have a partner like this and, 10 years on, it doesn't get any better...

He is never wrong, it's always you causing the issues and his job is the most important thing in the world and so we all have to do everything we can to make sure nothing interferes with the big, important job. That includes me having hobbies or doing something for me...

I have dealt with it by just getting on with mine and the kids' lives. He can join us if he wants to but I have learnt to have no expectations for him to do anything. That way I'm not disappointed or getting annoyed because he decides to do things in his own good time or to please himself.

I manage by making sure that I have one day off a week to myself to do something nice for me now that the kids are in school. After all, I'm on duty for all the other hours of the day and night, 365 days a year.

I would question if your mental health difficulties are because of PND or because you're having to tip toe around him? I would look up the meaning of gaslighting and see if that rings a bell.

To be honest OP, I think you need to talk to him about seeing If you can swap the morning chores for a week.
Doesn't matter if he has a significant detour, he needs to know what the additional anxiety of what if you're late for work, and those consequences could be.
Its an additional mental load, and he needs to understand what it would mean for him to appreciate what it feels like for you.

His comment about your relationship faoling makes me think that this is the way your relationship is in more ways than just this one. Are you stuck in the default parent role? Is he not treating you like you work as a team?

I'm sorry, its tough but it seems like he's making things tougher than they need to be.

He knows he was in the wrong and unreasonable in not upholding his part of the morning routine. He picked a fight with you to put you in the wrong.

The way you talk about his contribution - that he "helps" with the house work, that he does things "for" your DD - implies that his attitude (or indeed yours) is that he is doing you a massive favour, rather than having an equal responsibility for your shared child and the daily shit work.

What are your respective jobs and financial contributions that make his career so important?

I get the impression that you feel your relationship is okay overall except that DP is being so unreasonable about his belief that his job is more important than yours. And you are feeling infuriated and overwhelmed in this moment and feel like leaving him. That seems like it would be an extreme reaction and maybe you'll feel different once you've stepped back from it and settled down.

At the same time, you absolutely do need to nip your DP's entitled behaviour in the bud. It will only get worse if you let it slide. Risk WW3. Next time he fails to make the effort to get your daughter ready at the agreed time, zip quickly out the door early and tell him he has to drop her at nursery. Be sure to make a very rapid exit. That will be a major inconvenience to him, which he deserves, and he'll see that you don't accept his view that his time is more important than yours. He has made YOU late for work repeatedly. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

I don't think it makes any sense to change your daughter's nursery over this when she is settled. That seems a huge upheaval. And given the location of the nursery, it doesn't make any sense for your DP to do the nursery runs as a usual thing. But as an occasional thing, he absolutely can do it. He definitely can do it when the situation is entirely his own fault.

It does sound a tight schedule OP, with having to leave by 7.10.
I’d agree with others, about prepping the night before.
Alternatively, if your work is flexible, have you considered starting later? I think her dad should either do morning or pm nursery run.

@Musicalmaestro

If I started later I'd have to finish later to make up my hours. I can't finish later because I have to make the nursery pick up.