Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

All these comments about how OP should change her behaviour (putting the baby in bed with DP before getting in the shower, changing breakfast, flexible working hours) rather than the DP having a kick up the arse and just doing what needs to be done for the family unit. It’s 40 minutes of his morning ffs and OP already gets up earlier than him to get a head start. Shameful that the DP will just up and leave for work when his actions or lack of delay the routine. Another example of a woman being the default parent. No wonder women are ‘pregnant then screwed’ in the workplace if that’s how partners treat us.

It’s not your fault OP, and your mental health is not clouding anything. If I were in your shoes (had a small baby, a job, no support network like parents you can drop your child and an unsupportive partner driving you mad) my mental health would be down the drains too. You’re in a stressful situation that is causing you anxiety (rightly so). Stop blaming yourself please.

YADNBU, and ignore any male apologists that insert themselves into this thread. I've been where you are. Severe PND, Little support, just snideyness and arguments and "calm down". I remember crying one morning before drop off as well for a similar stupid argument.

I think DH resented that I had a difficult birth and PND, and I was just expected to get on it with it. So he took it out on me by being unhelpful.

Things are still rocky now and TBH I've been unable to forgive him for those early years. It's led to utter resentment for me.

My advice would be, if you can get out, do so. Your stress will drop enormously.

Personally I would leave. But rhats just me.

I understand where you're coming from as I also work full time and have to do all the school runs with no help but that's because he's out the house for work before we're all up so can't really be helped but then he compensates for that on weekends. But if he is around and doesn't help and makes out like you're overreacting then doesn't acknowledge you when you're stood there crying he has some serious issues.

I hope you work this out for your own and DD's sake but if he's not pulling his weight then you might aswell do it solo x

Is there a reason partner has a lie in? Does he stay up late for example?

I don’t think it’s fair OP has to manage partner, but sometimes we need to play to our strengths. Could OP take responsibility for getting the child ready but Partner is in charge of packing the nursery bag? Or he takes over the dishes or something. Or he does the nighttime routine? Obviously this only works if he actually does the thing, but I think reducing stress for OP in the morning should be a big goal for now.

Something else to consider is get the baby up slightly earlier, and let her eat breakfast or play while OP gets dressed, sorts the bags/lunches or whatever.

I sympathise with you though OP. It’s tough feeling unsupported.

I wonder if your mental health would improve if he wasn’t there? It does sound like he is not contributing to you healing.

This.

She's not ready because he hasn't done his share in the morning? (He's not helping you; he's doing his share, btw.) Then you leave him to it. Get in your car and leave him to deliver him.

You do this a few times and he'll be up in the morning getting his half of the job done.

I also have a DH who is SO BUSY AND IMPORTANT. his job and him getting to his job is waaaaaay more important than me getting to my job. I would understand if he was a brain surgeon or something, but he's not. We have had to have many discussions about it and he is slightly better - eg we have agreed to take turns if a child is ill and needs collecting early. But I totally hear you op.

Having an unsupportive partner is a significant predictor for pnd, your partner sounds shit so I’m not surprised you had pnd! Nor that you are ready to walk, that sounds like the only reasonable action from where I’m standing. I would leave mine if he couldn’t take his share of parenting responsibility.

But pacifying your partner so they don't shout at is not a healthy relationship.

Asking someone not to shout is not abusive.

I understand why you are annoyed and I'd probably have done the same but if you are honest, your manner with him was off and I know that when I get like this I probably am not calm on the inside even if going about calmly so his comment wasn't that off (if annoying).

Honestly though, I think you are making life hard.

Make your dinner the night before or take things to work you can just assemble for the week. Give your daughter a banana or make breakfast bars once a week.
Then you have 40 minutes to basically dress her (between you).

She probably would benefit more from the extra sleep.

It's hard and relentless at this size. Find the easiest options for everyone.

Just have a normal chat with your partner when you get home. This really isn't worth your upset or spoiling a relationship over.

Be clear he needs to be up but I think you did overreact a bit when he was up and about to get on with it . You were both a bit out of order but that's life with a baby

But him making you late for work is OK?

@sameshitdifferentdayffs

I wonder how much of your panic and anxiety is down to the stress of your current issue. You sound very much on your own with little to no physical support or emotional support. Don’t underestimate how exhausting it is treading on egg shells.

Op wasn’t out of order at all. The man was in the bathroom while op was going to be even later for work. What should she have done? She’s already asked him to help.

Might it work better to switch the routine a bit? Obviously your husband is being massively unreasonable but you’ve had advice on that. Could you get her up at 6, give something to eat whilst you eat and make lunch hand her back to your husband for wash dress and nappy change at about 640 whilst you have your wash….. then grab her back and leave at 710? That way you are doing the messy bit first and also if she’s not back in your hands at 0710 you can leave.

@Freddiefox but there was still 30 minutes before leaving time.
That seems plenty to get a baby dressed and out the door.
I'd be annoyed but I don't think it's worth pressing the nuclear button over.

I get the OP's frustration, he should get up and I'd be cross.

But this routine still sounds bloody hard work

(((HUG)))

your MH might be making it more difficult for you to cope with his behaviour, but it's not making reasonable behaviour unreasonable.

it's very difficult to give advice because it's easy to say 'I would do xyz' when you're not the one actually in the position or feeling the feelings!

I know how hard it is to feel trapped by their unreasonable behaviour, their attitude & their ability to kick off.

but the way I see it, if you're at the point of contemplating leaving him anyway, you can't really make it worse.

could you try saying 'I need to be at work for x time (an hour earlier than normal) for 2 weeks, so you're going to have to do nursery drop offs. It takes me 'x time' to get there, so you'll need to work out your morning timings to get to work on time after. I can get DD up & dressed to hand over to you, before I leave if that would help'

then do that from Monday, for 2 weeks. Go to work early. Have an hour to yourself after work or pick DD up early & spend some time with her.

is that worth trying?

I think deciding to leave when you know your MH isn't good, isn't always a good idea because you might regret it later. (Unless there's abuse of course)

you say he has set hours. Could he get to DD's nursery on time if he went straight there after work? If so maybe you do drop off, he doesn't pick up. I know it's 'out if his way' but that's his problem, not yours. Big he'd pulled his weight he could still be getting away with doing fuck all. Just getting DD up & dressed.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

I was just trying to offer a perspective that hadn't been from what i can see. The OP said she has suffered with major PND and PTSD since the birth and i wondered if there had been any sign that the husband had been too. He's rebelling against the timetable so that might mean he's an arsehole but it also might mean he's struggling. I don't think he was right to speak to her the way he did and i don't think he's right to just go off to work when she's upset or struggling but i just wondered if there was more too it from his point of view. Also as someone with quite severe anxiety i know this can take its toll on my partner.

So what. You already have a more difficult morning, he can pick up some of the slack.

@mumofbun

Oh yes, i forgot, it's now received wisdom that men get PND isn't it? Despite not ever actually being, you know, natal.

Sorry I don't mean to be a twat but this sort of thing annoys me. Yes men can find having children a shock and it can cause situational depression. But so can women. ON TOP OF the very significant and specific hormonal condition that is PND.

YANBU He is being selfish and disrespectful of you and your job, and does not seem to be listening about your stress levels. The "calm down" remark was made because he feels guilty about the lie-in. Not guilty enough to make it easier for you later though.
Explain calmly to him one more time why your DD needs to be ready for 7.10am. for you to drop her off. It could then be up to him when he wakes her and gets her up and gives breakfast, etc,. Don't pre-warn him, but if she is clearly not going to be ready on time, you leave at 7.05am. and he will just have to sort it out. That will get the message across quickly and without further pleas from you. He is being very UR now. So what if he fumes, you are fuming now but he doesn't seem to care.

I know it's said on here all the time but what, exactly, is the point of him? Yes it's only a small part of your day, but anyone who works and has small DC knows how stressful it is. It's a half hour out of his morning. He wasn't letting her lie in, he couldn't be arsed to get up. And he then started on you to make sure it is your fault and not his. It's his fault. You are both parents and if you salary is required to run your home, it's equally important. You sound scared of him and I'll bet this is not the only thing.

If it were me, I'd be making a massive fuss. Tell him nursery are giving you grief for being late to pick up, work are on your case to stay later than you can because he is making you late. Then suggest you give up work to support his extremely busy and important role as he cannot spare 30 minutes to dress a toddler.

Sorry I haven’t read all the responses … but I have read a few which I think are inflammatory. It is a normal day to day fight and it would be a shame to turn this into a massive falling out / leaving the relationship (unless other things are not going well in which case you obviously do what is right for you).

I had a similar repeat argument with my DH about who wakes up at the weekend to do the kids’ breakfast. It was most of the time him because I am terrible in the morning and I do A LOT of other things. It led to many huge arguments because he thought it was unfair and I thought it wasn’t much to ask considering all the other things I do + that he is awake anyway so he might as well. Turned out we both felt the other was unkind, and felt unloved! when we were able to detangle that we made other rules and cleared up what was thought and not said.

I think it is worth taking some perspective and try and understand what is going on before making any rushed decision.

Does it make you feel unloved that he doesn’t help you the exact way you asked?

Do you resent the fact that you do both drop off (despite the obvious practicalities of you doing it)?

Do you think he might feel bossed around and that you’re implying he’s a bad partner?

if you can, try and understand with him what is behind this “repeat” argument.

Best of luck!

He sounds like a fucking arsehole, to be blunt. Piling the blame on you when you have PND?? Twat. Please please leave him for your own mental health.

As many have said, obviously he’s being a complete brat and was unreasonable in his sulk that morning.

that said, there appears to be a very rigid schedule at your place. And life doesn’t always run on rigid schedules. Your DD doesn’t HAVE to have a full 30 minute first breakfast every day. On occasions like this where mornings are a rush, surely a banana or a pouch or a milk carton or a - I don’t know, some health crap muesli bar or something would do? I feel like you need to show a bit of flexibility on days where life doesn’t go to plan. You can still be annoyed with DP because clearly he’s done wrong but you can save yourself the anxiety and arguments by exercising a bit of flexibility too.

I mean frankly I would have just walked out and let him sort it but I do understand not everyone is willing to start WW3 over these things (though it’s probably better than feeling the way you do now). He absolutely wouldn’t dawdle again.

You two need also to have a chat about your mental health and figure out a way to make mornings doable for both of you.