Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

personally, in this particular instance I would have left him to it, advised you were ready and needed to leave. He could then have sorted your daughter out and taken her to nursery. He probably would have decided to get up on time in the future.

Or punished the OP for it when she got home.

@Marvellousmadness But stop with the drama. This isn't pnd (this argument about getting the kid ready i mean) this is just 2 people that need to sit down and talk!

What a disgusting comment. Have you read the full thread? The OP is incredibly distressed suffering from poor mental health and is living with an abusive, gaslighting bully.

You have no right to say to someone that “This isn’t PND”. Do you know how damaging that sounds? You are purely stigmatising mental health and belittling the OP and any other mother who sadly suffers with this.

You are already a good mum. You already are juggling everything by yourself.

Hes making your mental health worse as he's abusing you. Please start getting things in place to leave. You are a strong woman.

Sounds like he was already fuming so you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and not disadvantaged yourself.

This is an abusive man. He wouldn’t have taken it just like that.

He’d have punished the Op for it later. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when the man senses he’s losing control and that she may leave.

Actually I’m on the fence. I don’t think posters are helping uou op, they are winding you up and egging you on to blow this up and I am not sure that’s fair to you

yes it’s a frustration and yes you both need to talk, but I think you could be a few mins late and leave a few mins later at the end of the day and still make pick up, does it really need to be such a hard line that five mins makes a difference?

thr standing crying, over his comment, the insomnia, anxiety, panic I think really should be your main focus here, I’d call your doctor. Before you listed to a b7nch of randoms egging you on to all but end your marriage, I think focusing on your mental health so you can see clearly is the first step.

His apparent refusal to team work is jarring. What's going on with him? Is he deliberately being spiteful to you.

@sameshitdifferentdayffs - your life would be easier, both practically and emotionally, if you were to leave. What he is subjecting you to is emotional abuse - and this is not going to get better, ever. What would improve, though, is your PND. I think you are anxious and depressed because of him, not because of birth trauma etc.

Another ridiculous comment. No one is egging on or winding up the OP. Far from it!

Her partner is an abusive, cold, uncaring, gaslighting bully. This is evident from reading all of the OP’s posts. This toxic environment and pressure is making her ill.

It isn’t something being a few mins late and leave a few mins later at the end of the day and still make pick up will help with.

So often in these posts the issue that prompts OP to ask in desperation "AIBU?" unravels a thread of disrespect and cruelty throughout the whole relationship.

And so it goes in this one too. I'm glad PPs have been considered and kind to you. It's not really about DD's getting up time - this is just the tool your DP uses to 'show you your place' - firmly at the bottom of the pecking order.

If it wasn't this it would be something else.

I suspect also your mental health will rapidly improve if you leave him.

So sorry to hear you are in this situation. The little family you worry about breaking up doesn't sound like something which is worth keeping together if you are treated this way and feel so awful. I wonder if some of your mental health difficulties are a symptom of your relationship. Living with someone like this wears you down. I am a advocate for therapy for trying to resolve family issues but you sound like you have done a lot of work for your PND. Did he ever come to sessions or was there some kind of family therapy? He does sound like he wouldn't participate as you sound like you communicate well but are left with little or no response and more importantly action.

You deserve to be mentally well and happy. Being a single parent will be hard. However ask yourself if this is harder? You are already doing most of it. You say you hardly see him so you are already doing much of parenting role on your own. Financially it is scary but you have a good income. Not sure where you live and if this eats it up a lot.

Most importantly it is also about your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking it is acceptable for a so called loving partner to ignore their cries? To show such disrespect to their career, feelings and worries?

I wish you all the best. I think what you are being able to do currently is amazing.

This thread is so sad. I agree that if he isn't listening to you, or respecting you then somethings got to change.
Either by leaving him or by putting a rocket up his ass.
Is there a welfare team associated with his profession? You should contact them if so.
Have a look at rentals on right move, that used to cheer me up no end.

I've one question- how is he around your daughter when he's upset her? How do you think he will be towards her in the future when she's genuinely upset?

I was going to say, he does the drop offs, you do the pick ups. That way he’s in control of the mornings and you could start earlier if you wanted and leave in plenty of time. There are millions of people who go slightly out of the way for nursery and it doesn’t kill them. If he can’t cope then of course he can investigate other nurseries. He can’t “refuse” to do this, and if he does I was going to advise you just start leaving the house before he’s awake.

HOWEVER reading your updates it seems he doesn’t like or respect you at all. He sounds abusive. You really would be better off without him. Phrase it as a trial separation if you don’t want to commit to a divorce but do it.

And FGS don’t have any more kids with the dickhead.

It worries me that I wouldn't be a good mum juggling everything by myself and working full time.

But you already work FT.
You already seem like you’re juggling everything by yourself.

Yes it can be scary if you’re not naturally an independent person but you’re forgetting that there’ll be much less arguing and crying.
You’ll also get time off and get maintenance.

You have a great salary too so could go part time.

You’re both miserable and just waiting for the other one to end the relationship.
What a miserable existence that must be.

It worries me that he would find a way to avoid paying maintenance and leave me financially screwed.

Catch 22 - having this worry suggests he is not the sort of person anyone should remain married to anyway.

Just read your updates OP

It sounds like your relationship is over. I wonder how much your lack of support has contributed to what you're going through now.

The fact that he doesnt give a shit that he is making you late even though (because you do pick up as well as drop off) you can't make up the time, the fact that he gets so irritable over minor issues, the fact that when you try and talk about any issues he rolls his eyes or refuses to engage...this isnt a relationship where you mutually support each other. He doesnt really seem to be contributing anything. I have a feeling your anxiety will improve a lot if you get rid of him. You sound like you've got your head screwed on right, you sound strong to have come through your traumatic birth and be a great mother, you can do this

OP, I don't want to imply that this is on you, or your DP(H?) has done nothing wrong or should take no responsibility.

Do you think this pattern of behaviour has become established / worse since you've had PND/PTSD to contend with?

I ask that because as someone who has severe PTSD after birth it sounds incredibly familiar.

My DH is not a very emotional, or emotionally articulate person. When I was really struggling, he had no clue how to help me. His response was to get his head down, dig in, and keep doing what he does. He saw me as irrational, unreasonable, overly emotional and hard work. I was ill. The more he reaches this way, the worse I felt. The more trapped, panicked, gaslit, unsure of my own judgement, anxious, angry, sad and needing reassurance I became. The anxiety and panic of PTSD, not being believed or heard or looked after whilst in labour, made all these things I credibly triggering. I was a vicious cycle and it nearly killed me and ended our relationship.

Could it be that the mental health issue is playing a huge role here?

That doesn't mean he's not in the wrong. Or that you should stay. It is worthy of consideration though, because it means its the situation you're facing that's the problem,not a fundamental difference in your true selves (although I would say that the fundamental difference in how we respond to emotional upset is pretty fundamental).

My DC is six now. Things are much better. I don't know ow what made it better really. Maybe just time. Lockdown actually helped. And I went back to uni, which gave me so.ethig of myself back.

No answers for you I'm afraid, just awkward questions.

You sound like a very strong, I telligent, capable and together woman. Whatever you decide to do, you will make it work for you and DD. X

I would suggest ( like others) to change your morning routine so that everything is more or less ready, don’t give a full breakfast and take it a bit more easy. (I know that stress!) Then say that if you are doing the morning drop offs, he does the pickups. Even if he has to go out of his way, he won’t have a deadline, so not so stressful for I’m either.

Tbh I am amazed your DH gets her ready at all - mine just laid in bed every morning whilst I ran round like a blue arsed fly! (He did do some pickups).

@PussInBin20 i think you need to RTFT…

@sameshitdifferentdayffs hope you’re ok, OP

Actually what's evident from her posts is that she's struggling. Possibly because she really is one of these people who makes a huge issue out of every tiny thing, but most probably because she's not mentally healthy (PND). Likely it's a mixture of personality and mental health.

We've only heard her side of the story, and even that, frankly isn't so horrific. She tells of a partner who basically isn't supporting her properly, but we don't know what he's done in for her in the past, and what she's doing for herself to get better. It could well be that he's been living on eggshells since the baby, and is at his wit's end trying to deal with her. We just don't know.

What is abundantly clear is that her main priority should be getting better mentally. This is something she need to work on with her doctor and health care providers.

You need to raise your standards.

@Faseeshes Why are you postulating whether OP 'makes a huge issue out of every tiny thing'? She's given us no reason to believe that.

Her partner dragging his feet in the morning when he KNOWS it will make OP late, because she has told him this time and time again, is not a tiny thing. It's completely selfish and inconsiderate. Mornings are stressful enough, and he should be trying his best to help the OP considering her mental health isn't good right now.

You're trying to build a picture of 'his side' based on what ifs and maybes, none of them with any credibility...

But we do know that this particular morning, he was selfish and inconsiderate. Then he was gaslighting her.

Yes, I'm sure that he's the one in the relationship that's walking on eggshells...

The OP has a new/updated thread and the situation appears to have moved on somewhat

Where?