Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much....dealing with PND and a bereavement, two small kids and a full time job plus commute and school run makes you an extremely impressive human being in my eyes!!!

I think it would all ironically be easier for you without your H. He really sounds like he's making things a lot worse for you. For example with everything you are going through he doesn't sound like he treats you with any care, and hes dumped so much day to day responsibility on your shoulders that he should clea4ly be helping with a lot more.

You weren't unreasonable in your post, and I'd expect you get a version of that every day which grinds a person down a lot. I'd expect you might find your mental health improves quite a bit without him too.

Next time he does this, you walk out and go to work. Once he realises that laying around in bed for an extra ten mins means that he has to make a significant detour then he'll soon change his ways.

Seriously, you have to make a point here and stop enabling him.

He’s well and truly out of order. I’d tell him straight - either she’s up and ready by x time or I’m off and you’re taking her to nursery. You then need to carry it through. Can you tell I’ve done similar? Get your bag and lunch ready the night before and make sure you’re able to be out before him and then go. I’ve done this with kids as well- if they want a lift to X they have to be ready by X - if not ready because they hadn’t got off the TV or finished gaming, I’m out of the door without them. It only usually takes one time for the lesson to be learned.
If you can, steel yourself not to get upset with the snarky comments, just give him it back eg talk to me like that again and you’ll be taking her every day this week.

Have you tried some specialist counselling for the Birth Trauma that you experienced?

I'm not saying that the row this morning was your fault, it's just that Birth Trauma can have a dramatic affect on you and your relationships for many years.

The Birth Trauma Association have links to counsellors who specialise on this.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Lots to think about there. I will ponder over the points you've made.

Just wanted to pick up on this:

it's fine to say you need the baby ready at 7.10, but telling him what time he needs to get the baby up to do this could be seen as micro managing- different people have different routines and can do things at different speeds.

It's more because of my knowledge of DD and how long she takes to faff and eat her breakfast. That process in itself can be half an hour, easily. Then she usually does a poo just afterwards so it's nappy change just before we leave and then giving us time to get into the car by 7.10.

The reason I'm rigid about these timings is because DP will not hang around to offer help past a certain time. When he's decided it's time to get ready and leave the house, off he goes. He must NOT be late in his mind. So if DD is late starting breakfast because he's late getting her up, then she poos at 7.10 just after finishing her breakfast late, you can bet it's ME changing that nappy and not leaving until 7.15. DP is nowhere to ne found as he's had to leave, god forbid he's late! That's his attitude, hence why I have to be rigid with timings as I know every morning there comes a point where it's ALL my problem and no one else's, as soon as he decides to pull off that drive for work.

Lots of people are saying just leave OP if the child isn't ready but reading between the lines, I'm guessing you know you can't as it'd start WWIII?? That's my impression, that the outcome of doing that is something that really would cause a huge problem for you.

I know it's only one post so I could be wrong but it sounds to be like you are holding the relationship together in an ok way because you bend to his requirements. If that's the case it's no way to live.

I don’t think I’d want to live like that. Is her really better in other ways or are you kidding yourself?

It probably will cause a massive row, but they're already rowing and I think he needs to learn that his actions (or lack of) have consequences. He's pulling this shit because he knows she will back down every time

Lots of people are saying just leave OP if the child isn't ready but reading between the lines, I'm guessing you know you can't as it'd start WWIII?? That's my impression, that the outcome of doing that is something that really would cause a huge problem for you.

Absolutely spot on. I dread to even think what this would cause.

Do you think that you view part of your recovery in being organised, on top of things, taking responsibility - i.e. having control? because reading your OP, I see you want to control all the elements and that any breakdown of that control is detrimental to you and is stress inducing.

Honestly, for your well being I would be asking your DH to step up - let him take responsibility for the mornings. Let him get DD to nursery, if he has an important job then he is used to working responsibility to deadlines.

Take the morning space as part of your recovery, you are sharing responsibility - you are stepping back from control, reducing your stress. You will have a better morning - which we all know can impact our whole day. Think of the less stressed mum you are gifting your DD - because like us all you will put her above yourself and I am sure you wont do this for yourself.

Hopefully this action will even the playing field for you and your DH and give you back some balance - it is not just up to you - you are doing enough, and doing it under the burden of PTSD.

I'm in tears all over again. Feel so lost with everything

yanbu. Hugs OP.

@IHeartPepsi I get what you're saying but the reason OP is likely having to back down every time is to avoid being emotionally abused if she doesn't give in to what he essentially wants. That's not the normal parameters of a healthy R where you can set boundaries - there kind of are no boundaries, not from his side anyway. When I compare it to my H, I've had to be strong a few times to set boundaries and it's worked as we do have a health R. I'm not scared of him, and he does see me as an equal and to be respected at the end of the day. I feel like OP isn't in the same situation.

OP I really feel for you, you shouldn't have to toe the line to do what he wants, and let him off bad behaviour, just because you're scared of him being his top if you don't.

I know it’s a scary thought, but you do need to leave him to face the consequences of “letting the baby have a lie in.”

a cheery, “that’s great, see you both tonight then” and out the door without stopping, get a coffee on the way in.

if he goes ballistic about him being late, you reply “I thought you had made the decision to be late when you made the decision for the baby to have a lie in. You can’t seriously expect ME to face the consequences of your decisions surely, you’re not THAT unreasonable are you?” Better him late, than you late.

it might cause WW3 but you’re already arguing and he’s got no need to change anything now, because he has no effects.

or just leave - he doesn’t respect you and contempt is a relationship killer.

It's upsetting when you feel so unheard in a relationship and I hope you can work out what would be the best outcome for you there. On a practical note, if you are dropping baby off at nursery so early, surely they will give her some breakfast or is there a reason she can't eat there?

OP, just wondering what you are doing about your poor mental health. I’m sure you know this, but you have a responsibility to take steps to get well again, first and foremost for yourself. Are you having counselling? The recent bereavement which you say you haven’t processed will only compound the existing issues. I imagine PTSD is making things like sleeping difficult. This in itself will make things like this argument seem many times worse than it would be if you were coping in ‘normal’ mode.

If you haven’t started counselling, you absolute need this. Even if you ultimately leave your DP, you need to be in a strong mental place with support around you to get through it all.

I speak from similar experience and I left it too late, was very ill and my recovery took a lot longer with extended period off work. (I also felt many times that I wanted to leave my partner but years down the line we are still together and happy).

@gingerscot

I really wish I had the balls to do that!! I'd love to. I just know he would turn it around and make me the unreasonable one for doing it.

He'd be saying "You do the drop offs because you wanted that nursery closer to your work, you can't then expect me to do it and be late for work". Etc.

He'd make me at fault, somehow. He always does. He's never wrong.

Why did you choose a Nursery nearer to your work? Could you look for a new one close to home so that both of you can share pick ups and drop offs?

@Dragmedown

I had counselling for months after DD's birth. I was discharged because DD turned 1 and I no longer met their criteria. I've since been re referred to another team and waiting for my first appointment. Been crying out for help, got turned down from a different MH team.

He'd make me at fault, somehow. He always does. He's never wrong.

So he is a bully.

@PritiPatelsMaker

It was the only one of two with a space at the time, and it was by far the better choice. I can revisit the one closer to home I suppose and see whether they have any spaces. It would just be the anxiety and stress of unsettling DD when she is very settled there now, she's been there since she was 9 months old.

If she is obviously not going to be ready then leave 5 minutes early and let him sort it. You’d probably only need to do that once.

It certainly isn't you who is unreasonable in this situation. I don't think "I didn't say anything to him" is really convincing because we all know there are a million ways to express how angry and stressed one is without opening one's mouth, and I'm sure if you're honest you were doing these things because you were justifiably incredibly fucked off. But I also know what it's like when you are RAGING but you can't express it in a healthy way because your partner will double down or blow up and you don't want to be having that row in front of the children, so you have to swallow it - again. And it feels like it's always you who is swallowing, accommodating, doing what must be done to keep the peace and even then it isn't enough - "just calm down" when you're doing all you can just not to shout and swear - and then the tears come because of frustration as much as anything. Honestly, I really feel for you.

I think you need to just say to him (this evening while DD is in bed) "you are not more important than me; your job is not more important than mine. You can choose to either pick DD up or drop her off. If you choose pick up, then I will get her up and out in the morning because that's my responsibility and I will not be held hostage by you not getting your arse in gear. If you choose drop off, I will be leaving the house at 7 on the dot wherever you're up to."

Take away his power to fuck up your day. Division of responsibility is your friend here.

But yes longer term it sounds like your relationship is in trouble. He sounds unkind. You sound very very beleaguered.

Can I ask if you are on any medication for your PND? I have very similar kinds of row in my house but find I can take a much calmer perspective on my low dose of citalopram. It just gives me a remove that allows me not to be so reactive. Might be helpful while you explore other options for therapy/recovery and consider your position re the relationship. You need some headspace and it's almost impossible to get with a baby and working full time.

I've read all of your posts and I really can't see why he doesn't do any drop offs. Or pick ups if the timing suits too. Does he not understand that she is his child too? I'd be reminding him sharply.

So what if it means a detour for him! It's called being a parent. You have to drop your children off at childcare, or wherever else too as they are growing up. There is zero reason why this should all fall on you.

I'm sure he won't like that, but that's just too bad. Tough luck. He has to suck it up.

Tell him that in future (and with immediate effect) you will be leaving on time for work come what may, and if he hasn't fulfilled his part of the bargain and got DD ready then he WILL be taking her to nursery. Mean it and follow through. Don't listen to any old bullshit from him about how special and important his job is so he can't possibly do such menial stuff as get his child ready for nursery. If it really is that important to him then he will step up and start pulling his weight properly.

Seriously, leave him to do drop offs. Don't prompt him along the way. If he doesn't do his bit then he has to take her to nursery. In fact, I'd say there should be several days when he takes her anyway. It should be a more even split.

Can you skip breakfast for the baby as they give them breakfast at nursery dont they? Mine always had breakfast at nursery.