Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

I also get what you're saying about breakfast and would be the same withy own kids.

I would try to make your life easier though and spoon feed her a yoghurt or one of those kiddie fruit pouches (my kids still love them!) and give her some milk to keep her going. Something that's quick and easy to make your life easier.

The fact you're so worried about going against what he wants/says is worrying.

You've asked him to do his share abd explained the reasons why it needs to be done by a certain time, he thinks he knows best so you have to leave him to deal with that.

And don't engage in any arguments about it.

I'd also stop giving her 2 breakfasts that's ridiculous. Give her a drink and a wee snack if you have to.

Tbh though it sounds like you have much bigger problems

I think you need to relook at your morning schedule and have a bit of flexibility re breakfast. If baby is up later then there isn't time for a 30 min breakfast- and that's OK. It's OK to give a snack in car, or give a quicker breakfast at home, or just skip breakfast at home and let her eat in nursery.

On a practical note, I'd rearrange your morning routine a bit. I have 2 DC one at school and one at a childminder. Childminder is (conveniently!) in the opposite direction to the school (childminder moved after DS2 had started and we didn't want to unsettle him).

I do drop offs and DH does pick ups except for one day where I work a shorter day to do school run. DH also has fixed hours but has flexed these on set days to allow him to pick up, is that a possibility for your DP?

I shower in the evening, clothes laid out for me and DC the night before. All bags and lunches packed and in the fridge. DC up then breakfast in pj's. Can you make your lunch etc whilst DC eats breakfast?

Pj's straight in the wash and then nappy change and dressed. Lunches in bags and out the door.

If running late, breakfast on the go, individually wrapped brioche roll is my go to for this!

Whether this relationship is one you want to stay in is something you clearly need to give some serious thought to but I think it would help you to feel empowered to make that choice if you know that, actually, you can make this work on your own. Proving to yourself that you can do it can be quite powerful.

Seems to me that the morning routine thing is a red herring. It's his lack of concern or care for you as his partner that is at the root of your upset. He knows that you've been vulnerable with PND but isn't nurturing you as a good partner should. And the realisation of this is completely shit. I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way, OP. I'm sorry to hear about your recent bereavement. That in itself would normally generate some extra TLC from a decent partner so it must hit home extra hard. If you don't believe that he will change then you have a hard decision to make regarding you want to stay or go.

Maybe ‘D’P needs to experience the detour. Next time leave him to it and leave just before him without DC. If he’s late it will be his fault and be more timely in future?

Then he’s selfish and not interested enough to be a father.

I am sorry you are feeling so awful and lost, @sameshitdifferentdayffs. It's a long time since I looked after a baby that age, so I don't remember what happens at different stages, but would it not be possible for you to give her something easy to eat in the car (a Petit Filou or something, if they still exist?) so as to save time and your stress on breakfast, particularly as she actually gets breakfast later on anyway?
I wish you well. For what it's worth, in your shoes I'd be upset too.

How often does this happen OP?

Does he get her up on time most mornings? 50% of the time? Less?

Reading the original post, and thinking about the way he was responding, sounds like he knew he was in the wrong and felt on the back foot. The ‘I was about to do that’ ‘calm down’ part reminds me of a teenager who has been caught not tidying their room (when they know they should have been) but can’t bear to be told off.

The ‘it’s your fault’ part when you started crying screams guilty conscience to me. Obviously turning it onto you is a totally unacceptable way to handle a guilty conscience, but emotionally unintelligent people do it all the time, they just register ‘you’re making me feel bad’ and run with that.

You say he helps at other times, and I’m assuming that some mornings at least go as planned. Is he in other ways and at other times a loving husband?

If so, I bet he actually knows he is in the wrong and just needs a way to ‘climb down’. I despair of the male ego but we can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and have to work with it sometimes.

One approach worth trying could be to talk it through logically, calmly and unemotionally. It could help to be factual, rather than emotional in your delivery, but explain to him what you need and how you feel. Show him how it all links up -

“I find the mornings very stressful, especially when I run late. When you’re late with DD it has a huge knock on for my day and my week. I’d like it if getting me off to time was a higher priority. How can we arrange the mornings so that they work better for both of us?

Also ask him how he felt this morning, what he needs in the morning and listen to his reply.

Think of it like a logic puzzle that needs to be solved. He might engage in the conversation and take the situation more seriously if he doesn’t feel blamed or bossed (not saying this is what you’re doing at all, I think you’re perfectly reasonable, but this might be how he feels all the same).

Good luck x

I think this is as much about you and your job and commitments being respected as it is about this particular morning. based on what you've said here I would be reassessing my relationship, I am so sorry OP.
He wouldn't be the first man to show his true colours once a child is born, or do we just see it more clearly once there are the needs of an extra person to consider? He seems to be a selfish bully :-( lots of love OP

So what’s the worst that would happen if you sat down with him and explained this? Sometimes we think there’s only one solution to a problem (you doing all the drop offs and pick ups) but in reality there is usually a way around it.

If you are able to communicate on a decent level about other things then there’s no reason why you can’t find a solution to this. I’d suggest finding a time to talk when DD isn’t around, perhaps in the evening when she’s gone to sleep. Ask if you can work together to solve the problem, try not to get accusatory. It’s often downplayed how debilitating postnatal depression can be, even months and years down the line. Did he support you when you were going through this? If so maybe bring it back to that, explain your just need a little extra support at the moment and if the strict timings aren’t working for him could he think of another way you could make things work in the mornings? See what he says and go from there.

In terms of breakfast for DD, is she old enough to have a kids cereal bar? My daughter likes the Organix ones and that would most likely tide her over until she got to nursery. I hate thinking of my DD being hungry too but if she genuinely gets a second breakfast at nursery I really think she’ll be ok.

Next time walk out leave him to it. It will only happen that once. He will get the message.

Share the drop offs, yes it’s a detour, but so, why is that your soul responsibility ?

You can leave a relationship for any reason and he should absolutely be pulling his weight in the morning.

You've had lots of good advice if how to deal with your partner so I won't add to that however, your routine doesn't really leave much buffer time for the unexpected, for someone to feel ill and not on top form, the car to be iced up in the winter etc which probably adds to your stress levels. To make life easier for you, whether with your partner or on your own try and make your breakfast and lunch the night before. As a single parent I find doing this makes my mornings so much easier and it's just a case of showering, getting dressed and eating.

OP: you sound completely miserable. You also sound like a working mother with too much on her plate and a partner who not only is being unsupportive but making your life even harder. No wonder you have mental health issues in that scenario. I would start with getting rid of partner.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your mental health improved a fair bit if he wasn’t around OP.
i’’m sorry things are so tough

I think you should simplify your life and let your partner drop DD to nursery at least 3 times a week. On the other 2 days do it your way. On his days don’t interfere at all and leave it all to him.
I would just give the baby a bottle of milk in the morning and let nursery deal with breakfast too.
If your mental health is fragile you need to simplify things as much as possible. Not overcomplicate and micromanage etc - as long as baby is happy and you are happy that is all that really matters. Minimise any stress for yourself.

hang on op, I read your thread and feel your mental health is a red herring. It’s not relevant to this situation so please don’t let it get in the way of what is clearly a situation where your dh didn’t pull his weight, he then tried to deflect from his inadequacies by provoking an argument. Rather then apologies or rush around helping out he bothered you, and provoked you until you were even later.

My take on your relationship this: your dh helps but on his terms when he wants, leaving you picking up the main bulk in terms or emotional workload and physical workload.

But more importantly, you are holding the relationship together, bending and adapting to keep him ‘happy’ whilst he doesn’t really offer you the same care. It’s an unequal relationship, and often when people start posting on here, it can at times be when they themselves are starting to realised that they are unhappy and undervalued. It’s never about the one incident.

I think you need to seriously consider whether you are scared of him? And if you where to say/ do what you wanted what would happen.

He's a lazy bullying arsehole who sees you as the default parent and getting dd ready is actually your problem. He just helps you out so in his view, you are supposed to be grateful for any help he deigns to give you.

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument

Then he's using your child as a weapon during the argument to further wind you up when you're already stressed.

No wonder your MH is poor living with that.

@Freddiefox

I thought it might be relevant because I'm struggling a lot recently with it and feel really down, I couldn't sleep last night due to the anxiety and panic. I wondered if my mental health is clouding my judgement

I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time of it recently. I completely get your frustration. This is the kind of thing that makes me absolutely furious too. Even though nursery is on your way to work, I feel that you taking on drop off and pick up everyday is too much. The stress of getting to pick ups and drop offs on time everyday is a lot. In our house we’ve always shared the load with pick ups and drop offs. There needs to be give and take too. I’d also be leaving on the days he’s running late and let him pick up the pieces. That said I think it’s very normal in the early years to battle over things like this, I feel it took my DH much longer to adapt to needing to adjust his routine to having a child than it took me. This kind of attitude can leave you feeling really undervalued and demoralised. I have always fought my point on issues like these though and it took time we generally have a very good balance now and rarely have such arguments unless there’s a major routine change. I don’t think it’s the end of the road but I also think you’re absolutely being reasonable and something needs to change.

@Comeagainow

One approach worth trying could be to talk it through logically, calmly and unemotionally. It could help to be factual, rather than emotional in your delivery, but explain to him what you need and how you feel. Show him how it all links up -
“I find the mornings very stressful, especially when I run late. When you’re late with DD it has a huge knock on for my day and my week. I’d like it if getting me off to time was a higher priority. How can we arrange the mornings so that they work better for both of us?
Also ask him how he felt this morning, what he needs in the morning and listen to his reply.
Think of it like a logic puzzle that needs to be solved. He might engage in the conversation and take the situation more seriously if he doesn’t feel blamed or bossed (not saying this is what you’re doing at all, I think you’re perfectly reasonable, but this might be how he feels all the same).

Now this is all really good advice and would possibly work depending on whether the DP is willing to engage. BUT as someone who frequently has to employ these strategies myself to get my needs even considered, never mind met, by my DP, I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have to MANAGE him like this, especially when I'm at the end of my rope emotionally, to always have to be the one to take a deep breath and be the grown up. And even then there's the chance I'll say something 'wrong' that triggers his defensiveness and the whole exercise will end up being pointless.

It's bloody knackering and thankless. And yes OK from a practical POV if it gets shit done then it's worth it but sometimes it would be nice if the other adult could just, you know, be an adult and have a bit of emotional sophistication and do some of this work for themselves.

He sounds really irresponsible, unpleasant and manipulative.

This all sounds really high stress. What help are you getting currently for your MH? to me this all reads as something i would right when i am peak anxiety levels. Does you work have an occupational health team you could talk to - i got counselling through work.

Have you spoken to your husband about his MH, was he offered any counselling after the birth? It sounds like he could be finding the rigid schedule really stressful too and so it definitely needs to be discussed in a flexible way. Is there no possibility of him taking your DD to nursery and getting to work on time? Even if he did it once a week.

He's training you. Just think - wouldn't it be easier if you did it all yourself and didn't have to rely on him? Wouldn't there be less stress as he's stringing it all out and then starting arguments? He was desperate to upset you this morning. And if you cave and do it all for the sake of lack of stress, he's won.

Are there other areas in your life where you have to be careful, take more of the strain and tiptoe around him? Are there times when it's just so much easier to do things yourself? How does he feel about you working?

It must be so tough. I think you need to try and find some time to think about what you really want as an end result. It may be that you take things over for the sake of a quiet life, or that you find different childcare options etc. I hope that it works out for you.

Also could you get DD up before you go in the shower and just put her with DH?