Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

Have you spoken to your husband about his MH, was he offered any counselling after the birth? It sounds like he could be finding the rigid schedule really stressful too and so it definitely needs to be discussed in a flexible way.

I'm sorry what? Where in any of this is there the slightest indication the DP is 'struggling' with the rigid timescale? He is simply disregarding it as it doesn't impact on him. Why do you think he has a mental health issue? He's just being a standard issue arsehole.

@MummyJ36 has a good suggestion.
Get her up and pop her into bed with him on your way to showering.

So firstly, you have done nothing wrong.

But when you took over when he was about to do it, why didn’t you let him do it when he said he was about to? I ask because I do the exact same when DH faffs about and makes us late somewhere - I take over and get DS ready whilst I’m clearly annoyed. I do it to make a point, when all I’m doing is making more work for myself.

That should be @mumofbun

Yeah I totally get that, it would be exhausting to have to do it all the time.

What’s difficult to know here is whether the OP has had a particularly shitty morning and because she’s in a fragile emotional state is seeing things as more bleak than they need to be, when a calm conversation could sort it out…

OR

… is this the tip of a larger iceberg where he is always this useless and she would genuinely be better off if she left him?

Only the OP can answer this, really.

@MummyJ36 has a good suggestion.
Get her up and pop her into bed with him on your way to showering.

Yup this sounds like a brilliant idea. Nothing makes lounging around in bed seem like the undesirable option like a wriggly one year old!

I don't think people realise that 'make him do it' doesn't actually work in this kind of scenario; its just taken as an escalation of an argument. (which is in itself evidence that the partner has started an argument, but that's of no help to OP.)

Acting like this to make your partners morning more stressful is bad enough, when you know their mental health is fragile it's abusive. Whatever OP does she is the one that will suffer.

Why do women pander to and tiptoe around men like this? What world do we live in where women feel they have to accept that being in a 'relationship' means having to put themselves and their needs last in order to placate and please their male partner?

OP you know you're not being unreasonable. Your husband's belief that he is more important than you, that his job is more important than yours, that his life and schedule takes priority over yours, and childish 'blame game' playing the moment he's pulled up on his selfishness is both pathetic and a clear indicator that you don't have any kind of partnership here.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life bending yourself into knots to avoid inconveniencing and upsetting the child who is supposed to be your life partner? And no, you shouldn't need to have to sit down and explain any of this or reason this out with a grown man. No one should need it explaining to them that always prioritising themselves is selfish. I can't believe this is even being suggested as a solution by so many women on here. If your partner needs this stuff explaining to them, then they are a child who is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship or to have a child themselves. It is deeply concerning that so many women are married to men like this who are still behaving like 5 year olds and need to have their behaviour actively managed in order to keep domestic peace. It's absolutely mental that in 2022 so many women still live like this.

Cut and run now, OP, please, before you have any more children with him. This is not just about the morning routine and you know it. Women need to stop putting up with shit like this. If it's not equal, it's not a partnership. If your partner actually loved and cared for you as a partner should, he would step up, especially given the fact that you're struggling right now and he knows it. The fact that he doesn't speaks volumes. And it'll only get worse as time goes on.

@Comeagainow

it's not even about that really (although things the OP says like 'he'll make it my fault, he always does' and 'I dread to even think what would happen if i did that' indicate that this is not an isolated incident).

Even if it was JUST this morning:

Here we have someone who has failed to hold up their own end of a pre-agreed plan, with knock-on consequences for the other party.
Without even being challenged on this, they then pick a fight.
When their overwrought partner bursts into tears, they blame her and say she is what's wrong with their relationship.
And then they leave.

But it's the OP who will have to do the work of finding him a way to 'climb down'.

And yes, she probably will. But it's fucking shit.

If you're scared to just leave him to do a drop off, fearing the consequences, then I don't think you and he have a good relationship, OP. I think you're right to consider leaving as he clearly thinks he is more important than you; he doesn't seem to respect that you work, too, and you say he twists everything to make it your fault.

He's not a man I'd want to be with.

I don't want to criticise op as you clearly have had a lot to cope with but you sound very rigid in approach to schedules etc. i don't know what you both do for jobs but is there a reason all this has to go on at the crack of dawn every day. Do you have an extremely long commute or an incredibly early start or does he?? Could this be changed slightly- is it not a job where you could do a few days from home maybe? If it's a really long commute could you find something similar a bit closer to home or could he? Because to be honest few people are at their best in terms of rigid schedules at 6.30am with a baby- believe me, I did it for a year and eventually caved in and got a job where I didn't leave the house with baby till 8am - and that was dropping baby off and commuting into London . I did a 9.30 am start and a 6pm finish and H picked little one up from nursery at 5.45 every day. Could you look at a bit more flexibility on job hours Or a slight cut so you started slightly later??

If he really is usually okay and it's mornings that are an issue could the nursery give her breakfast?

That way he can get her up and dressed at the time he is now and then you could be straight out of the door.

It seems like his thinking resets to getting up at the time he needs to get up to dress DD, get himself ready and leave for work, selfishly forgetting or not understanding the importance of agreeing to have her ready earlier to support you.

@EnidSpyton

Why do women pander to and tiptoe around men like this? What world do we live in where women feel they have to accept that being in a 'relationship' means having to put themselves and their needs last in order to placate and please their male partner?

People often ask this on here. And I'd say the problem is that women are trained so hard to be nice and put themselves last, that it actually isn't an issue for them when it's just you and a partner - it's second nature, just as it's second nature to the man to assert his wants and expect them to be met. Where it falls apart is babies, whose needs perforce are front and centre for the mum - and the shock of realising that actually, the man still expects HIS to come first is what destabilises relationships. At which point it;s not so much about keeping 'a male partner' as keeping your child's family together and their father in their life.

It's always framed in this sneering way, like 'how pathetic, are you really so desperate for a cock in your life?", when almost always in this situations there are kids involved which makes it a lot more difficult.

You need to get firmer. If dd isn't up by 6.30, you leave by 7 (or earlier).

So what if he fumes? Why is his fuming worse than you fuming?

I don't think you are unreasonable unreasonable. Although I wanted to make a few suggestions. Could you make your lunch the night before? Is DC bag ready for nursery the night before, clothes laid out ready? Could you or DH batch make breakfasts to speed things up? I'm not suggesting it's all jobs for you to do but it might take the stress out if your morning.

I really think you need some counselling/ therapy. You sound at your capacity and really stressed. I think you should really talk things through before making big life changing decisions. Dont get me wrong. If your done then your done but I would really thinking it and talk it through properly first so you can do it without regret.

No advice @sameshitdifferentdayffs just sending hugs.. your morning routine gives me the heebie jeebies.. I'm older now, long past that stage, but remember it!
Honestly, there's always SOMETHING to cock life up just as we think we're getting on top of things. :-(

@Meraas

So what if he fumes? Why is his fuming worse than you fuming?

Because for most women, an angry, ranting man is quite frightening.

Its easy to get frustrated, expecially when it's early and you think you are going to be late etc but why think of leaving hom over this? Its pretty trivial, there must be other stuff going on. All couples argue and get angry. He was a little late its not a huge thing. Don't let it get to you. I do understand the frustration though.

But that's a different kettle of fish.

If you're scared of your partner then neither OP or her child should be in that environment.

Next time, just leave without DD and he will have to drop off. No nagging, just do what you need to get to work. He needs the consequences of his actions, not you.

Reevaluate what you are getting from this relationship. He sounds disrespectful and unhelpful. I think from His POV you are very regimented but honestly, you all need to be. Modern life is difficult and needs organisation.

Look into whether you could manage alone. He is not worth the continued stress.

Also again, children. One can manage one's own anger, ensure it is expressed in a certain way and at an appropriate moment when children not around etc. You can't control your partner's anger, how it will be expressed and when and where. If you can't rely on them not to instigate a shouting match in front of DC it can seem not just easier but necessary to carry the can yourself instead.

You sound really resentful of his attitude and I can't say I blame you! I think the question is: do you want to end the relationship? Is it no longer working for you? Do you still love him? Do you think he'd be open to getting some relationship counselling where you can work to improve things?

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen I don’t disagree, all I was trying to do was offer an alternative approach to escalating to WW3, because none of us know what the OP, her partner or the relationship is like.

@Meraas

But that's a different kettle of fish.
If you're scared of your partner then neither OP or her child should be in that environment.

Depends. I'm scared of shouting, full stop. It's not that I'm scared it will escalate to violence or whatever. My nervous system reacts to shouting in a fight or flight way. Childhood issues.

I've been told many times it is controlling to expect my DP not to shout when he's angry, that this is normal behaviour and asking him not to do it is abusive. I've been told that by women on Mumsnet.