Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

Perhaps B needs to be told that they just wouldn't want to do a weeks holiday with them and it's a brothers & their wives & kids thing.

How lovely.

Would someone actually be this awful?

C works full time for the NHS and would struggle to earn more, his DW is a TA so also not highly paid

So C and his DW can definitely afford a week of camping in the UK for around £150 or less. So it's disingenuous to say they CANT take their children on holiday. Millions of children do this every year and have a wonderful time.

So this really is that A just doesn't want to go on holiday with B.

B knows this and feels hurt.

A can of course spend their money how they want to, but should own their actions.

Camping in the UK isn't £150 for the week if you're car isn't big enough and you need to buy all the equipment and the fuel is another £80 or so!!

Why does A “take” the C family on holiday? Why not tell them find a cottage and I will pay for it, it all sounds a bit gracious gesture towards the less fortunate to me. Maybe this is why B doesn’t get the holiday handout because they wouldn’t be grateful enough.

Not that it’s any sort of tit for tat,

Oh of course it is!

All the digs 'we don't know about anything till it's on SM'.

Ugh.

No way do you & A need to treat everyone to full-on holidays. But you organise something exclusively with C, while leaving B out. Why not plan something B could afford & join in?

I can't believe you think a holiday away that excludes 1 sibling is comparable with the day to day catch ups that the two siblings who live locally have.

And they would presumably sleep in their car and eat cold beans out of a can?!

they don’t have any camping equipment for starters, not to mention that lots of people don’t actually like camping or find it relaxing..!

Your posts have become defensive, OP. At least you have now admitted that A and C don't want to go on holiday with B because they find them difficult. That's fine and very normal. Many families are dysfunctional. Just don't pretend that it's a case of one party being reasonable and the other being unreasonable. It's just life.

C is a stirrer for telling A what was said

this. Hate this sort of shit.

Just stay out of it! Don’t tell either A or B who said what! Not C’s argument!

100% this

I think it's a shame for the children of B to miss out on an extended family holiday just because A and C get on better than they do with B.
If I was in a position to help family, as described above, I would pay for all of it for C, and offer a percentage to B, if not all. Adults don't matter here - it is the children as cousins who are missing out on relationships and memories.

B is unreasonable. She was basically saying to C that he is a charity case.

I personally don't think C was shit stirring. I think he has a right to be offended actually.

I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for C and his kids. Crack on and pay no notice to B.

C is unreasonable & causing trouble

B is definitely unreasonable!

Simple answer then is for A to buy C some camping equipment that will last then C can go on camping holidays.

B and Cs DCs see each other weekly, they spend time with GPs weekly, and do other ‘memory making’ eg would go for afternoon tea for a cousins treat, day trips to the beach/fun fair/steam trains
A’s kids don’t go on any of these trips because they live too far away. But are also not made aware/invited until the pics appear on social media

But with your previous posts re C's dislike of B with the tell tale of C wasn’t deliberately shit stirring, it was more of a ‘heads up, B is in a cob about us going on holiday, so if they are weird with you, that’s why’ why do they spend time with B? C sounds a happy piggie in the middle playing A and B off against each other.

As B and C don’t sound any where near as well of as A, if I was A, I would pay for both B and C or none, for sibling harmony. B shouldn’t feel entitled but I can understand them feeling a bit rubbish about it. C is most definitely a shit stirring git! A was naive to think this wouldn’t cause an issue.

C is a massive dick for starting the whole thing.

I feel sorry for B being left out. B’s children are missing out on family holidays!
A should organise a bigger cottage or stop altogether as it is bound to cause tension.
C is 100% shit stirring. She could have just said nothing!

Not sure how to vote but I think it would be nice if A and C included B in their holiday. If anything the visions of A and C will bond more closely and Bs will feel excluded. If A wants to pay for Cs share then that’s fine but all go together.

Maybe B doesn’t like camping either but puts on a brave face for their children to get a holiday rather than sponging off a sibling.

Sorry the children not the visions

"No kind deed ever goes unpunished" is main conclusion I draw.

My DC don't get on well with each other, but it's uneven, I could see differential kindness happening between them when older, & to each other's kids. Because I lack illusion that they like each other equally, I wouldn't expect them to treat each other (or each other's kids) the same. We all know that X & Y are vying for least liked siblings. I don't expect W&V to be close to either X & Y, even though W adores V. Therefore I can't relate to being like OP's MIL who expects some kind of "fairness" between her offspring. They can own their uneven relationships with each other, I'd stay out of it if I were MIL.

Sorry if that’s the case. I’m a bit rattled after the call…

this started because we were looking for a cottage a few years ago in a specific place, and the only ones in the area had more rooms than we needed

So we thought ‘C’s kids have never been away. And we will have spare space so why don’t we invite them along’

And everyone had a lovely time, especially the kids, so we thought we would try and do it again, especially knowing the kids wouldn’t have another holiday otherwise

In 2020, there were absolutely no cottages available and we found a fairly reasonable 5 nights offer at centreparcs, then this year had another cottage which was fairly last minute

but the motivation has always been giving their kids a holiday they wouldn’t otherwise have, and we know B’s kids always get at least one break per year, sometimes abroad, sometimes in the UK

we don’t feel left out of what goes on in the home town, we know it’s just the way life goes when you live away from family
but surely it shows that the rest of family activities can happen without everyone needing to be involved..?

B is unreasonable for making that comment. It’s really none of Bs business what A and C arrange for holiday.

If B has a real issue then they should have dealt with it like an adult and spoke to their siblings.

its actually really nice of A to pay for Cis holiday