Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

C shouldn't be such a shit stirrer.

Can I just ask why you told B that you were paying for a holiday for C? Not sure how that could come up in conversation, why would you need to tell B?

I don’t think she was formally ‘told’ but there would have been a conversation along the lines of
‘any plans for the summer?’
’yes, A has offered to let us join them at a cottage they’ve rented so we are going there for a week, which will be nice because it’s the first time the kids have been to France’

And it would have blindingly obvious to B that we wouldn’t have invited them and then asked them to pay for the cottage

After the update, is OP still pretending to like B?

If you are reading this B, YABU.
Pay for your own holiday you grasping cow. 🏝

🥱

How does the update show op doesn'tlike her? Not being difficult I just don't see anything that shows that

That's pretty goady of you.

Did you really have to declare that you were paying for the other family as they otherwise would have no holiday and that it was somehow a good deed?

You could have approached it with far more tact, like suggest a family holiday to both siblings and then on the QT let the poorest family know you were happy to pay for them. Instead you've patronised them, let the rest of the family know about your largesse and then come on here and refused to see things from the perspective of the SIL that as so many people have said - might have felt excluded.

I've no idea why posters like you actually ask if they're BU. You seem to have already decided that you're not - so why come on a public forum like this?

C tells A what was said <- for this alone I would feel disinclined to take C on any more holidays. It's profoundly ungrateful to do this. Why would you? Aside from to foster further division in the family.

Part of it is, a holiday isn't only about the money but also the experience. If the cousins in families A and C are going away together annually it is pretty nasty to leave out cousins B. Can A, B and C sit down together as adults and figure out a way to go together that they can all afford? If this means A subsidising C, B paying their way, and them all going to a holiday cottage, I actually think that is kinder all round than A taking C's kids for a week away and excluding B's kids.

Gosh. She's kinda shameless.

Did you actually read the thread before posting..?

Because B doesn’t want ‘the experience’
she wants cold hard cash to take her family away without anyone else

Wow! That's some update there @wasabipeas . They really have shown how grabby they are. It was never about the holiday after all. The fact that you had paid for the holiday was actually an inconvenience to them as it appears all they wanted was their share of how much the holiday cost.

I'd respond "Hi GrabbyRelative, I'm sorry but that isn't how these trips away work. We will not be paying towards your holiday wherever you take it. You were being invited on our holiday because we had extra rooms. There never was a "Wasabi Peas Holiday fund" that the thought there was, is actually very hurtful. We really thought that your kids Rupert, James and Constance would enjoy spending time with their cousins. If you're saying that you're going elsewhere on your holiday, please don't give this trip with us another thought and have a wonderful time and I'll contact another friend who has expressed an interest in holidaying with us".

Whether you do invite anyone else, you've laid out your station. You were doing it for their kids, not them, and there won't be any further invites being extended. Their kids will miss out but that's not your fault. You've been very generous so far.

One further question - has B ever stepped up for C in relation to paying for and taking them away in the same way that you did? If B and their kids were getting holidays, why couldn't B extend an invite to C so you and B could alternate between you on bringing C away but after your update, I seriously doubt that anyone will be holidaying with either and both B and/or C.

Wow that is an update and a half. What a cheeky mare! I hope you're right and she has seen this thread.

I wonder what some of the more forthright posters with their damning options of you and your DH have to say now?

Oh my. Very grabby. I like the response by @LookItsMeAgain. Kind, polite and not too emotional.

C needs to get a better job and stop relying on charity from your sisters.

First of all - thanks for the update. So rare that posters update!

Secondly - glad SIL has well and truly revealed her mercenary ways. What does DH think about her text?

He got her text while he was in a long work meeting, so sent me a screenshot of her message with the rolling eyes emoji - which I think sums it up
Its jaw dropping that she has asked but it’s also not a totally out of character surprise iyswim

In all honesty, we didn’t want to go away with her for multiple reasons, mostly that she is quite controlling so we knew it would be her setting a schedule for everyone being up, mealtimes, doing activities, walks etc

The ill-fated all-family trip from a few years ago was ruined by her and her DH being some hybrid Scout master/Butlins redcoat and not letting anyone actually sit still for more than 15 mins without them telling the kids they had to come outside for a treasure hunt, football match, walk etc

I’m all for keeping the kids busy outside but it was just too much. One evening, she basically confiscated tablets off all the kids to do a movie night.
C had a word with her and told her that his kids were happy to have their tablets and she had a strop about being unappreciated and she was only doing something nice and why does she even bother etc etc

Like I said in the original posts, she is great in small doses and on her turf but honestly a holiday with her will end in tears
The weekend invitation was 95% to appease MIL and to tick a box

But I don’t think there will be any obligation on us to extend another invitation..!

Send her a fiver and a spreadsheet for planning her holiday activities.

OP - are you guys gonna send any money? Pleeeeease say no! 🤣

Some of these comments are just crazy! Families aren't communist states where everyone has to be and do the same!

I'm one of four siblings, and we go on hols in different groups. Some I enjoy going away with, and some less so. I'm sure they don't all want to go away with me. We like different things. Sometimes I've paid for their holidays, sometimes my brother or my mum has. That's life.

Rock on, Op.

That was cheeky beyond words.

actually, I do have the words - she is incredibly greedy, with a brass neck that shines so brightly you can see it from outer space. Was she always so venial, rude and greedy?

TBH I would struggle spending an afternoon with any9ne who regards me as nothing more than an open wallet.

Ahhh I'm sorry and I take back any assumptions that she felt left out and wanted to share family time on holiday with you. SIL sounds very entitled and unpleasant indeed! I know someone like her in my family and she is awful to her SIL brothers' wife and the cause of much drama and strife. Urghh why

A is being unreasonable for spending lots of money on C’s children, regularly, without first having at least some kind of chat with B about it to prevent this kind of resentment building up, which was otherwise inevitable. That chat could have been anything from ‘No pressure, but would you like to chip in towards C’s kids getting a holiday’ to ‘C and I are going on holiday, would you like to come but you’d need to pay for your family hope thats ok.’ Camping costs sod all, Centerparcs costs a fortune, A funding C’s trips to Centreparcs when B can only afford camping is obviously going to cause issues. Is A dim?!

C is unreasonable for running to A to whine and stir up trouble like a whinging child running to its mum.

B is a little unreasonable for moaning to C instead of explaining B’s feelings to A like a grown up. But I understand how uncomfortable B felt to do that.

What this is really about is A and C frequently holidaying together with all their kids and excluding B and B’s kids. How rude. B is hurt and upset for B’s children who don’t get to be part of those childhood memories of cousin holidays.

You didn’t read the thread then 😂😂

your last sentence is… not entirely accurate

A is very kind & thoughtful, can understand their viewpoint. C should have kept quiet. B is just jealous, and entitled.