Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

This sounds like shit stirring.

Especially if you told your sister exactly what your brother said, rather than a more subtle "I think he might be feeling a bit left out"

I imagine B is feeling left out. It might not be about money, it might be that all the others get to do a thing together and they're not invited.

Why would you need to give A a heads up? Let them sort their own relationship.

I don't think B is an arse based on what we've been told.

I can imagine someone being a bit envious of seeing their sibling being treated when they don't have as much as A.

C is absolutely a shit-stirrer. Even if they were only trying to give a heads-up, they could see the potential for that comment to cause upset. Of course they shouldn't have said it, and they know it.

Also while it's lovely of A to do this for C, I would not feel comfortable with this at all, if I was C. I'm the lowest earner & a single parent in my family; I couldn't imagine being comfortable with this. My siblings have at times done kind things for my DC, as long as they are not excessive, which they're not, that's fine, but no way would I feel ok at being paid for to go on a holiday. But I appreciate families are different.

I can absolutely see B's point of view. I'm guessing their holiday is the absolute best they can afford, so they are scraping together enough money, probably by forgoing other things, to be able to afford a holiday.

Could C really not save up all year to afford a week's camping in England somewhere? Costing around £150?

If C COULD do this but chooses not to, it's not actually true they C can't take their children on holiday.

Meanwhile, A is merrily paying for C's entire holiday. And let's be honest it's not really about the children, it's because A and C want to hang out on holiday together.

Poor B.

Yes I agree re this & B

Maybe not deliberately shit stirring, but it was very unfair to pass that comment on, whatever the reason.

Agree with others - B is totally unreasonable, but C shouldn’t have stirred it up.

And if A can afford a big centre parks week for 2 families they could afford a less expensive cottage somewhere for 3 families.

So the choice has been made - C is being favoured.

I'm A in this situation. I give more to C. B has to suck it up, they've much more money than C.

B is unreasonable

C stirred things up

OP is C

Well, C wouldn’t be invited again as they are stirring. B is an entitled twat and should pay for their own holidays. C shouldn’t have let slip.

I'd be upset in B's place. If my siblings went away on holiday without me, I'd feel excluded and sad. It's really unkind.
C is defo a shit stirrer and sounds like they love the drama.

Even though it might not be intentional C is shit stirring by passing messages between her siblings and giving A a "heads up". It's called triangulation and it's not helpful. It's best to keep out of other people's relationships and let them communicate directly.
B is unreasonable too but it would have been better just to ignore the comment. It's difficult to tell how seriously they meant it but they shouldn't have said it.
A hasn't done anything wrong.

You are C, and yes, you were shit stirring. At least own it.

If A paid for Cs holiday for Cs family that’s one thing

but if A and C went away together with A paying I can see why B is peed off about it

C is most definitely a shit stirrer though. There was no reason to “warn” A about Bs mood. It’s between them.
B shouldn’t have made the comment to C in the first place either though

i thought C was the only girl and you were married to A?

The OP said
3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

And then at the bottom said that A and C are the same gender.

I agree. Stupid of C to scurry off to A to tell them what B had said.

I’m married to A but it’s me who organises the holidays
B is their sister, who has now been on to MIL, who is now on to me about it

C was genuinely not shit stirring but knew B would drag MIL into this

B is generally tricky, and tbh not someone either A or C would want to go on holiday with so there won’t be an all-siblings/cousins holiday. We’ve done weekends with PIL and that’s about everyone’s limit

C works full time for the NHS and would struggle to earn more, his DW is a TA so also not highly paid

B works part time so IMO could up her hours if she was so desperate for a holiday but until now has always said how much they love camping

MIL seems to think that it’s blindingly obvious that we are wrong are are showing ‘favouritism’ and she is clearly of the opinion that we have set ourselves up as some sort of communal travel agent so have to ‘level up’ but I’m too cross to even contemplate a holiday with B

PIL are very well off and could easily take B and their DCs away, but they don’t like travelling

Does Sibling B often get left out of get togethers?

In my family, in this scenario we’d try to plan an option where all families could go to the same place at the same time - cottage, caravan park etc. If someone chose to subsidise someone else then that would be between them, but at least the offer to all be included was there.

I think everyone’s been a bit emotionally unintelligent.

but if A and C went away together with A paying I can see why B is peed off about it

Why, though? If my DH’s oldest brother wants to treat his (much poorer) youngest brother, why should my DH suddenly feel entitled to something for nothing? Why should B be pissed off? What’s it to do with him/her anyway - why does he/she have some sort of entitlement to what A has?

I actually know a family like this. Including C being a shit stirrer.

they all actually fell out. B was consistently excluded. A started feel like C was taking the pies and noticed C was a shit stirrer and also tried to use these gifts to cause problems with B.

C became quite entitled to these extra things and it all blew up in their face.

Yes I agree C should not have replayed to A what was said as it's stirring for pot.

I kind of get what B is saying, not from an 'A should be paying for me' too point of view but it's the case that A and Cs family
Holiday together and Bs children have to sit through their cousins going away together and no mention of when they may be able to all go together then thay does seem very unfair on Bs children.

Is there ever a discussion about A choosing somewhere less expensive and all 3 families going? If it's simply a case of A contacts C and books holiday without any conversation with B then I think both A and C ABU and actually a bit mean.

Well you don’t like B anyway so just ignore all this drama and tell your MIL to talk to her sons instead of going through you

In that case you are being incredibly generous. But B is feeling left out.