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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

350 replies

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:22

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

OP posts:
Gentleness · 24/08/2022 20:53

A & C share a holiday without B. Presumably B could not afford to participate even if invited - isn't Centreparcs pretty expensive? Why is it at all surprising that resentment has built up?

C should have kept their mouth shut.
A should have realised it's not just the money, it's the connection time.

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2022 20:53

MIL seems to think that it’s blindingly obvious that we are wrong are are showing ‘favouritism’

Well, you are. And you don’t want to include B at all.

You can do what you want with your money and who you spend your time with, obviously.

But it’s a bit disingenuous to pretend B shouldn’t feel excluded.

WhatTheFlap · 24/08/2022 20:53

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2022 20:50

Does Sibling B often get left out of get togethers?

In my family, in this scenario we’d try to plan an option where all families could go to the same place at the same time - cottage, caravan park etc. If someone chose to subsidise someone else then that would be between them, but at least the offer to all be included was there.

I think everyone’s been a bit emotionally unintelligent.

Totally agree with this point. I think it’s unfair to organise a holiday with one sibling without inviting with the other, regardless of payment.

WimpoleHat · 24/08/2022 20:53

MIL seems to think that it’s blindingly obvious that we are wrong are are showing ‘favouritism’

Why can’t you show favouritism? Maybe you like one sibling more than the other? You’re all adults at the end of the day. It’s not like parents with young kids where there is an obligation to be “fair”. I wouldn’t countenance paying for anything for B; she sounds totally entitled.

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2022 20:54

Stop communicating with MIL, direct her to your husband to deal with. It's not your problem.

If you don't like B then own it. Fair enough you don't want to go on holiday with them but don't make it about money- how do they know how much C contributes towards going away? Why has that been discussed with anyone else?

If you'd have just arranged a holiday together and kept the finances secret no one would have known or thought it was charity.

Bollindger · 24/08/2022 20:55

Tell B that it is your money that you earn and you wanted to treat C to a break.
Tell B and MIL if they don't like it , they are welcome to treat C if they want to, but you WILL NOT be told how to spend your money.

The fact B already went and moaned to Mummy means C was so right to give you the heads up.

Maybe you could as C to do you a favour that costs nothing and uses none of her time , then you can tell B that she did something for you and you were just paying her back for it.

OhmygodDont · 24/08/2022 20:55

So do you also pay for everything while there? Just curious on that one tbh because centre parcs prices anit cheap if they cannot afford a holiday at all.

Ottersmith · 24/08/2022 20:56

I don't think C is a shit stirrer. Siblings tell each other stuff like that.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:57

B doesn’t get left out of anything else
B and C live in the town they all few up in, still really close to their parents and see each other a lot

A moved away years ago and visits regularly but obviously misses the week-to-week catch ups they all have

and no, I don’t dislike B but I am aware she has to be met on her terms or can be difficult
A weekend in her home town with her making plans is fine. A week on someone else’s terms would be a recipe for her being stroppy and passive aggressive, and I don’t want it

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 24/08/2022 20:57

If I was B I would be a bit pissed off about my kids missing out on a great holiday with their cousins, not so much the financial aspect of A paying for C to go. Are A and C closer usually? Maybe it's a symptom of B feeling out of the loop generally?

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 20:59

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:33

C wasn’t deliberately shit stirring, it was more of a ‘heads up, B is in a cob about us going on holiday, so if they are weird with you, that’s why’
B has form for being in a cob with people and not telling them why

C is being a deliberate shit stirrer and the faux innocent of "giving a heads up" is the petrol on the fire of the poor relationship. Does C like divisiveness and pairing off with A?

Caroffee · 24/08/2022 21:00

You are C, OP.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/08/2022 21:00

Your update is horrible @wasabipeas

I wouldn't want to touch your & Sibling A's 'generosity' with a barge pole.

It's absolutely a kind gesture to make possible a holiday for C; but not at the expense of excluding B. For example, a holiday could be arranged where everyone goes, and each pays according to their means.

I get you + A, and you say C, don't get on with B. I still think it's a horrible dynamic to perpetuate.

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 21:00

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:57

B doesn’t get left out of anything else
B and C live in the town they all few up in, still really close to their parents and see each other a lot

A moved away years ago and visits regularly but obviously misses the week-to-week catch ups they all have

and no, I don’t dislike B but I am aware she has to be met on her terms or can be difficult
A weekend in her home town with her making plans is fine. A week on someone else’s terms would be a recipe for her being stroppy and passive aggressive, and I don’t want it

Obviously you're C? Hoping not the parent of the 3 in this given the apparent dislike for B and championing of C!

k1233 · 24/08/2022 21:01

What I see is one set of siblings and cousins going away together, bonding, having a good time. The third set are excluded and on the outer. They have no shared experiences with their wider family. That's pretty shit really wouldn't you think? Ignore who's paying for what. That's irrelevant. Particularly to the children of the excluded party.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/08/2022 21:01

no, I don’t dislike B

Oh really?

k1233 · 24/08/2022 21:01

And yes, Cs a shit stirrer

WimpoleHat · 24/08/2022 21:04

Obviously you're C?

She said upthread - OP is the wife of A.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/08/2022 21:05

k1233 · 24/08/2022 21:01

What I see is one set of siblings and cousins going away together, bonding, having a good time. The third set are excluded and on the outer. They have no shared experiences with their wider family. That's pretty shit really wouldn't you think? Ignore who's paying for what. That's irrelevant. Particularly to the children of the excluded party.

Exactly this. Particularly re the DC. My own sibling relationships are complicated. We all get along & are close to an extent. But they have let me down badly, and I have spent years maintaining relationships & caring about them & what's going on for them,

But the cousins' relationships & DC connection with aunts & uncles is so important that I make sure to prioritise this, and overlook other problems in favour of this.

Incidentally I was at one time described as the 'difficult one'. I believed it too. Much later, and much counselling, I realise that was untrue but have also got a lot better at managing the different dynamics. So I take your assessment of B with a large pinch of salt

Stiltonlover · 24/08/2022 21:06

I don't get it.

Your OP focuses on the comment from B to C and A finding out that's caused the fallout.

But now you say it's B that's "dragged MIL into it".

Why would B do that? Or has A gone raging at B about the comment to C?

Or is it not really about the comment at all, and more you're asking is A being unreasonable for treating C but not B, regardless of comment?

It all seems ridiculous if all this is over that one comment. If it is then I think A is also unreasonable for not just ignoring it and pretending C never told them!

Cosycover · 24/08/2022 21:08

Why doesn't B go too?

GinUnicorn · 24/08/2022 21:09

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2022 20:49

The OP said
3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

And then at the bottom said that A and C are the same gender.

Show quote history

I searched the OP as I hate guessing games. It’s probably bad form to do that though

Grumpypants78 · 24/08/2022 21:10

B is unreasonable to have expected family A to pay for a holiday for them but they're not being unreasonable to expect to have been invited on the holiday A and C were having although having to pay for themselves. It's really not very nice to have excluded Bs children from a family holiday. It happens to us constantly and is infuriating and hurtful for the kids

RandomMess · 24/08/2022 21:10

Sounds like B is a bit of a drama Queen that gets supported/indulged by MIL in being so.

Perhaps B needs to be told that they just wouldn't want to do a weeks holiday with them and it's a brothers & their wives & kids thing.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 21:11

k1233 · 24/08/2022 21:01

What I see is one set of siblings and cousins going away together, bonding, having a good time. The third set are excluded and on the outer. They have no shared experiences with their wider family. That's pretty shit really wouldn't you think? Ignore who's paying for what. That's irrelevant. Particularly to the children of the excluded party.

It’s not that simple though!
You make it sound like everyone is locked in the workhouse apart from one precious week out..!

B and Cs DCs see each other weekly, they spend time with GPs weekly, and do other ‘memory making’ eg would go for afternoon tea for a cousins treat, day trips to the beach/fun fair/steam trains
A’s kids don’t go on any of these trips because they live too far away. But are also not made aware/invited until the pics appear on social media

Not that it’s any sort of tit for tat, just showing that regular family bonding and shared experiences involve 2 sets of GCs and it’s not seen as an issue

OP posts:
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