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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

350 replies

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:22

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

OP posts:
PestoWild · 24/08/2022 21:45

@wasabipeas - What will happen if B can’t afford to take her DC away in the next year?

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 24/08/2022 21:45

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 20:33

C wasn’t deliberately shit stirring, it was more of a ‘heads up, B is in a cob about us going on holiday, so if they are weird with you, that’s why’
B has form for being in a cob with people and not telling them why

Nah, they were shit stirring and trying to make it us against B. They may have stupidly risked their free holiday.

whumpthereitis · 24/08/2022 21:46

Why do adult siblings need to be fair? They’re not children being given exact portions by their parents, they’re adults conducting themselves in accordance with the state of the relationships they have. They don’t have get on with B and include her if they don’t want to. Sometimes siblings don’t get on, that’s life. Why should anyone be expected to go out of their way to miserably holiday with someone they don’t like? B can of course be upset and/or angry about it, but she can’t demand accommodation. A didn’t need to treat C, but clearly he wanted to, and so did. That doesn’t mean B is entitled to anything.

Not sure why the mother in law is involving herself. Yes, it may upset her to see her children not get on, but they’re adults. She doesn’t have the authority to tell them what to do.

Hesma · 24/08/2022 21:47

B is U but C should have kept it low key.

Flutterbybudget · 24/08/2022 21:47

Why does B even need to know that A pays for C? It’s bound to cause drama, especially when it’s a regular occurrence
Being left out, is a horrible feeling, regardless of who’s paying for who. Maybe they would have just liked to feel part of the family, and invited to go along.

BadNomad · 24/08/2022 21:47

And if it's really about giving C's kid's a holiday, then why does A and family have to go too? Why not just pay for their holiday? The way you've been doing it is as a family holiday of siblings and cousins, in which B and her children are excluded from.

OhmygodDont · 24/08/2022 21:47

Oh give over C’s children could have a holiday if they wanted both parents work, could up their hours in a different job if they wanted too. They choice to do day trips suckered you right in to the no holiday thing yet they have their mum 24/7 for all school holidays.

£9.50 sun holidays, cheap in school holidays if they worker any other job that a TA.

much easier to admit it’s about not liking B than claim it’s for the children, if it was jsuf the children you could even just rent them a bell tent for two nights each year but you don’t you share an all paid for holiday with them.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/08/2022 21:48

whumpthereitis · 24/08/2022 21:46

Why do adult siblings need to be fair? They’re not children being given exact portions by their parents, they’re adults conducting themselves in accordance with the state of the relationships they have. They don’t have get on with B and include her if they don’t want to. Sometimes siblings don’t get on, that’s life. Why should anyone be expected to go out of their way to miserably holiday with someone they don’t like? B can of course be upset and/or angry about it, but she can’t demand accommodation. A didn’t need to treat C, but clearly he wanted to, and so did. That doesn’t mean B is entitled to anything.

Not sure why the mother in law is involving herself. Yes, it may upset her to see her children not get on, but they’re adults. She doesn’t have the authority to tell them what to do.

Yes this!!!
Also to add if B had a genuine issue she should have raised it in an adult manner, instead of making passive aggressive comments. Perhaps that’s a glimpse into why A doesn’t want to holiday with them.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 21:48

Gagaandgag · 24/08/2022 21:44

If it were for the childrens sake why don’t you and A take just the children? So take B and Cs children without their parents and let them all have a lovely holiday with their cousins?

Not a fucking chance!

9 kids under 13 with 2 adults supervising? I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it!

OP posts:
Drivebye · 24/08/2022 21:49

Argh family dynamics. Here's my guess:

A is the golden child. Bigged up even more now they have done well for themselves

C is indulged as the youngest and is so easy going

B is the one who was expected to step up and help during younger/teenage years and who had more rules to follow than A. A for away with a lot being the golden child. She now feels some resentment as she is still just expected to toe the line.

Marotte · 24/08/2022 21:49

B sounds grabby on the face of it. They are entitled to a "free" holiday with A only if/when A should decide to invite them, that's how that works. The only occasion where I'd be a bit on B's side would be if there was actual favourtism going on in the family, long term, with all other things being pretty equal. But even if A liked C's company better than B's and B had less money than C but was just managing it better, it's still really up to A in the end. It's not an entitlement that B is missing out on. Is this out of the blue or part of a wider problem in this triangle of families?

Welshrarebitontoast · 24/08/2022 21:50

A carries on doing whatever they like with whoever they like.

No one is under any obligation to B, and perhaps the less pandering to her the quicker she’ll realise.

user1471457751 · 24/08/2022 21:50

You clearly don't like B. You suggest they should work full time if they want a better holiday but surely the same could apply to C whose wife is a TA (where the typical hours are 30 and term time only). You are happy to judge B for parttime working but not Cs wife.

StClare101 · 24/08/2022 21:52

C sounds like an arse who has just risked their free holidays. Idiot.

WTF475878237NC · 24/08/2022 21:52

B is a brat.

C is a stirrer for telling A what was said.

^ I agree with both of the above unless B has form for this and A and C are fed up of B being generally entitled.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 21:53

BadNomad · 24/08/2022 21:47

And if it's really about giving C's kid's a holiday, then why does A and family have to go too? Why not just pay for their holiday? The way you've been doing it is as a family holiday of siblings and cousins, in which B and her children are excluded from.

Because it started when we had already rented a cottage that had spare rooms, so we invited them along (we also invited my sibling for part of the same break, and it has caused zero drama with my other sibling..)

there wasn’t an assumption it would happen again but because 2020 was such a tough year for them, and because we couldn’t travel, we thought we would get a slightly bigger lodge at centreparcs to invite them along again

at the point we booked Centreparcs, B had already booked their summer holiday and told us their plans, so we knew they would be having a holiday…

OP posts:
Bellyups · 24/08/2022 21:54

B is unreasonable

C was a shit stirrer. Thee was no need to tell A what B said

mamabear715 · 24/08/2022 21:54

For Heaven's sake.. why SHOULD the OP 'have' to do anything? And she's already said a million times that she doesn't dislike B. I swear folk either don't or can't read properly, or don't RTFT.
@wasabipeas spend your money how you want! B is a mardyarse. (Soz, Yorkshire-speak.) If the in-laws etc don't like it, they can contribute.. ;-)

Pruella · 24/08/2022 21:54

I feel a bit sorry for B. I have two brothers and if they went on holiday together with their children leaving me out I’d be sad and DS would be sad at being excluded from a holiday with his cousins.

Gagaandgag · 24/08/2022 21:54

wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 21:48

Not a fucking chance!

9 kids under 13 with 2 adults supervising? I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it!

Show quote history

Im sure you could rally the PIL to come - so a
ratio that’s 2 children per adult with one left over which might be the responsible 13 year old.
Im just saying if it was truly for the children it would be achievable

WimpoleHat · 24/08/2022 21:55

And if it's really about giving C's kid's a holiday, then why does A and family have to go too? Why not just pay for their holiday?

Because C probably wouldn’t accept - there’s a huge difference between inviting someone to join you and offering them a wad of cash. The latter basically rubs C’s nose in the situation, as opposed to sharing something nice with them.

Runwalkskijump · 24/08/2022 21:56

SherbetDips · 24/08/2022 20:34

C shouldn’t of told A what B said..that’s just shit stirring

This

Exasperatednow · 24/08/2022 21:57

B is unreasonable.

WTF475878237NC · 24/08/2022 21:57

Im just saying if it was truly for the children it would be achievable

^ It doesn't need to be truly for ALL the children. B's children already have holidays with their parents. A doesn't need to take them away. If B wasn't hard work they could have all gone away before (with B paying for themselves).

It's a shame you in laws are giving you stick. I'd suggest they take B's family away if they're concerned.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 24/08/2022 21:57

Drivebye · 24/08/2022 21:49

Argh family dynamics. Here's my guess:

A is the golden child. Bigged up even more now they have done well for themselves

C is indulged as the youngest and is so easy going

B is the one who was expected to step up and help during younger/teenage years and who had more rules to follow than A. A for away with a lot being the golden child. She now feels some resentment as she is still just expected to toe the line.

A was the one expected to do everything and step up, so moved away in part to escape it
Achievements are still not particularly acknowledged

B is the golden child

C is somewhere in between. Did very well academically but career hasn’t lived up to PILs expectations

(B is actually the youngest and is the only girl)

OP posts: