Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

I thought C works in the NHS? We need them to stay exactly where they are, the last thing we need is even more NHS vacancies. I think the words “get a better job” should be banned on MN.

You can include everyone by inviting them, they can then say no if it doesn't suit them. It doesn't mean you can only do things if everyone wants to do it. What a weird interpretation of what was said.

If it comes to petty I think consistently inviting one set of nephews and nieces and leaving another set out is petty but then it isn't really about the children at all is it.

I feel sorry for B. Yes, they shouldn't have had a tantrum but maybe they feel left out and like their kids are missing out from big, family holidays with their cousins. TBH, I understand that.

Feeling left out is a really horrible thing and maybe it's bringing up some old childhood/sibling rivalries where they felt left out thanks to A and C. It's not nice to feel like the one left behind.

Why not arrange to all go away next year and see how it goes? B may well be able to afford their share of a holiday home - it's not normally that much more expensive to go from (for example) 8 to 10 guests in places like that, especially if it's an alternative to camping. If it doesn't work, you don't need to do it again, but I do think it would be nice of you to at least offer for B to come along too.

What people seem to realise is just because someone is family doesn’t mean you need to 1-like them 2-want to spend time with them.

the responses on this thread blow my mind given how many mners proclaim to be NC with parents etc

I feel sorry for B. Yes, they shouldn't have had a tantrum but maybe they feel left out and like their kids are missing out from big, family holidays with their cousins. TBH, I understand that.

I think this is a very good observation, @mountainsunsets .

And @wasabipeas as a sister-in-law, can never really know or understand the nature of very old, deep sibling rivalries. She really shouldn't meddle (but I have to say, I hate it when my siblings-in-law get in the way of stuff between my siblings & me. It's none of their business).

Well own it then and accept that they will be hurt if you don't like them and don't want to include them. Pretending it is all because they want one set of children to get a holiday when that isn't the real reason is just shitty.

Well I can see that logic too. But A's wife fucks up that order by taking C on holiday. Meaning C's holidays are equal to B's causing and A to be greater than both.

How does that work?

A > B > C
A > (B+C)

See, a monster.

@ancientgran All your posts are really, really angry!
is this hitting a nerve? Because you are making assumptions that have absolutely no basis, and coming across as really quite aggressive

No not angry, just think you are making out you are so kind and thoughtful while knifing someone in the back. I feel sorry for Bs kids who surely you can see must feel left out? Do you think your SIL has been left out by your DH and his brother from childhood, do you think that's why your MIL sticks up for her, not because she's golden but because she's fed up seeing her hurt. Just feeling the need to call her golden shows your attitude.

If you don't like her and don't want to include her be honest about it.

i don’t know who’s posts you’ve been reading to reach these assumptions but they aren’t mine…

Where have you got the idea I don’t like her?
Who is being ‘stabbed in the back?’ The three kids who go on holiday every year with their parents and get to do nice things like go on boat trips and have surf lessons and excitedly tell cousins who haven’t been more than an hour away from their house?!

And no SIL was not routinely left out, unless you want to assume that not being taken to football matches and fishing trips and other things is being left out..?!
You are adding 2+2 and getting 57…

I imagine OP, who actually knows the people involved quite well, probably has a better idea as to the dynamic than someone who doesn’t.

Not paying for someone to come on holiday is not ‘knifing them in the back’. OP and her DH invited C to give their kids a holiday they wouldn’t otherwise get, and because they are close with C and like his company. The latter part means the former is hardly going to be a chore, results in everyone enjoying the holiday, and makes it an easy thing to offer.

WHY does everyone know that C and family had a free holiday. Why was it not just looked upon as a cheap holiday for them as your family had some extra space. Then it wouldn’t be an issue.

I don’t get all the talk about fairness here. These aren’t parents and their adult children. It’s a couple choosing to do something nice for another family. Nothing to do with B IMO.

It's pretty unkind to exclude b

@wasabipeas

You really don't have to respond to any mean PPs who haven't RTFT and are making up stuff. We can all RTFT and eye-roll when we read daft posts. If only MN has a like or dislike button for posts, you'd see that!!

Nope you don't have to go on holiday with each of your brothers siblings to "even it out"

Nor do you have to pay for them just because you earn more. That's entirely at your discretion if or when you do. It's CF to expect or demand that.

What you do with your arrangements with one of your DHs siblings is entirely up to you and none of any one else's business.

I have close friends I wouldn't go on holiday with them and their DCs, as -lovely though they are- it'd ruin our friendship (which isn't built in can I and my DCs be cooped up with them & their DCs for 7 days!) and other friends are more our holiday style that I've been away with. It's not a measure of our general friendship nor closeness.

MIL and B are outrageous for expecting you to run "A's holiday scheme" where you pay and take each family away "in turn". FGS.

Btw I can already see which of my teenage DCs can spend long periods together
And which combinations annoy each other. That's just life and a wise person knows what works and what won't work.

You're not a charity.

No it isn't

If A and C wish to go on holiday together that is their choice. They're not excluding B. B does things with C without inviting A. By your logic B should be mightily ashamed as they often exclude A and post all about it, for far more days than a short holiday where A was able to save money in a slightly bigger holiday home. Not a mansion for everyone but an extra bedroom or two.
It's swings and roundabouts.

Is this even about A, B and C or is it A's wife and C's wife doing all the arranging?

Its not the money
Its probably not even the holiday per se

It’s the perceived favouritism that A constantly invites C and never ever invites B (and B could pay their way of course ) and doesn’t even think it might be hurtful?!

Holiday after holiday they and their children are excluded from the family holidays and A can not work out what the problem is….

A is either thick or has skin of a rhino.
Most families don’t operate like this. We do stuff together, separately but everyone is invited.
We have mixed generational holidays that work brilliantly - tots to teens. No problem. I don’t like every member of my family but we all make age effort to get on and enjoy it!

A can pretend she is mother fucking Teresa and offering the poor children a holiday in their bleak and limited Oliver type childhood- how benevolent of her! But there is much more to this story than the saviour A is telling us, I would pay good money to hear b’s side of events for sure,

Just thought I would update this in case anyone was interested…

We spoke to SIL last month and said that we should look at dates for next year for a long weekend away together. Didn’t get as far as discussing locations but suggested a Centreparcs type thing where we could take both sets of DCs and DDogs
She sounded positive about it all, and said she would give us dates

DH had a text from her this week basically saying ‘thanks for the offer and it would be nice, but we have been thinking of doing a bigger holiday next year for BILs big birthday plus the kids are a bit older now, so instead of us going away together, can we have the cash for our beach holiday’

So I guess that answers the question of whether she was feeling left out of a family break/cousins bonding, or was just being a grasping cow wanting something for free

DH hasn’t replied to the message, and I think she has really shown her true colours to us
Im mostly interested in how she is going to spin this to MIL, and how MIL will defend it, because it is the absolute definition of entitlement

Your update has made me laugh. The audacity!

I don't think you've done anything wrong with the holiday situation, btw.

Wow! That updates changes things a bit, I feel embarrassed for her!

Op I beg you to box up a bucket and spade set. Send it without the correct postage. Tell sil you have sent a package...
She can pay the extra and then take her gift on holiday...

Blimey loud and clear she isn't bothered about having a relationship with you!

Not even sure how I would respond to that without inflaming things.

Perhaps "oh so you aren't interested in spending time with us so I guess we will spend our money going with other sibling again"

😳😳😳😳

She has just sent me a breezy text about meeting up at half term…
wonder if she has seen this thread 😂😂

👋👋hiya!

Wow! That is really cheeky. I assume you'll decline to contribute?