Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

Why do you think whimper deserves compassion? She treats her family in the most appalling way and makes no excuses for it at all.

whump

I think C is the biggest manipulator here to be honest and is playing everyone off.
Spending time with B as they live locally and probably feeding to B the fact that they're getting an all expenses paid holiday that B isn't invited to. B kicks off to MiL and C goes "oopsie silly me" and sits back to let shit hit the fan.

In future no more paid holidays for C, they've screwed themselves there. I can see why B is upset. I'm technically in the 'squeezed middle' category too and for me it wouldn't be the financial side of things that would upset me but more not being invited along.

I’m not sorry for b, and I think a sounds lovely! We are on holiday and the couple next to us were talking about coming back with a couple of their dc and dgc and we said how it would be a nice setup, shame we can’t do that. Dh knows perfectly well he does have one sibling who would like where we are holidaying but that I don’t want to go on holiday with them. I did go once many years ago and told him never again. Sounds like quite a few similarities to B…

Nope, I don’t have seething resentment, largely because I don’t put up and shut up. I mean, that was kinda the point.

Of course siblings can be friends. Being blood related is purely an accident of birth, and it doesn’t mean you have to get on with someone by virtue of the fact they’re a relative, and it doesn’t mean you’re obliged to spend time with them if you don’t want to. Again, the quality of relationships are dependent on the individuals within it, and are by their nature exclusionary. You may not think it fair, but so what? It doesn’t need to be fair.

Now clearly you couldn’t care less about anyone else as long as YOU feel okay and get to do whatever you want …. To hell with the consequences and at least you haven’t bothered to hide your selfish motivations with your ‘me first and foremost’ outlook towards your ish family.

I feel sorry for your family - as you say the long term consequences are real and they probably can not stand you, and see you as the self absorbed selfish monstrosity that is devoid of all values, love and ethics that are you are. A right piece of work.

That’s magnificent 😂 If I’m ever single again you can bet your ass I’m using that as my tinder bio.

Oh, my family are a bunch of monsters by your definition, so you really don’t need to worry too much about us. We spend time together because we want to, not because we have to, or because we’re bound by anyone else’s idea of ‘fairness’. Despite the fire and brimstone you’re reigning down on it, I’ve never found it to be anything other than an excellent way to live, with the consequence of ‘enjoying the people I spend time with’ being quite manageable.

Yep… consequences. If you’re ‘difficult’ then why would anyone want to go on holiday with you. ‘Because,
family’ isn’t a reason.

I’d feel left out if I were B but the comment was unnecessary. C is a shit stirrer and seems to enjoy the drama

You summed it up beautifully right there:

’It doesn’t need to be fair’

And that is where we differ, because a sense of fairness and trust is the cornerstone of all good relationships.
I trust you have the family and relationships you deserve whump and I am beyond delighted not to know you in real life.

if the PR campaign that ’fairness’ is running consists of promoting it by ranting at strangers online, it needs a new one. Because fuck me, hard pass. All denouement aside, the monsters are at least offering a good time.

You are right. I do have the family and friends I deserve, and you’ll be quite happy to know I have no complaints.

Like I said, we’ve been assigned different circles. Our paths not crossing is not something I’m inclined to grieve, although I’m sure you’re a riot at parties 😬

Well that escalated quickly 😂😂

Im going to say this one last and final time… I don’t dislike SIL. I have 5 SILs and I get on with all of them but wouldn’t necessarily want to go on holiday with all of them. And were it not for our connections through marriage, we probably wouldn’t have met and/or been friends
but it doesn’t mean I dislike her

And C is not stirring nor are they a gossip
The age-old family dynamic is that the annoyed party will do the ‘There is nothing wrong, I’m FINE’ game and let something fester and then there is a tense atmosphere for ages until everyone guesses what is wrong or there is an argument
DH said MIL used to say things like ‘well if you don’t even know what you’ve done wrong, there is no point in discussing it’

so not a healthy way to be, and one that DH has no time for
So C telling him was a way to avoid potentially weeks or months of huffing and passive aggressive stand offs, by allowing him the chance to speak and say ‘I know you are annoyed, let’s sort it out’
It is really the opposite of shit stirring despite all the posters who can’t comprehend it

B’s DH has a middle of the road job. I wouldn’t say he is hard working or a slacker, but does well enough for them to have a decent car, the kids all have music lessons etc.
He is also a very scout-master-outward-bounds sort so I am confident that camping, eurocamp and cottages in wilds of Wales/Ireland/Yorkshire are their preferred sort of holiday rather than all they can afford

But the thread has definitely been food for thought

Im not going to suggest or organise an all-sibling holiday, not least because I have 3 siblings and am not opening that can of worms on my side of the family..!

But as someone said upthread, I am feeling a bit ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ sulky about it atm

I think this will get parked until next summer and will read the room then as to what we do in future for C and family

I think maybe B just feels a bit left out, which is fair I think, if your other siblings, nieces and nephews are holidaying together. Perhaps they could still be invited along to at least join in?

Golden child B is entitled and rude to expect a free holiday & get MIL involve to demand that you pay for a holiday for them!

Before you helped C it was:

Children A - get holiday
Children B - get holiday
Children C - don't get holiday

Now you've very kindly made it even so that all the children get a holiday.

Do the people thinking OP is unreasonable also think OP should insist that B&C stop having family days out when A isn't invited?

Should OP also pay for her sibling + family (who aren't moaning about it) to come too?

Honestly I wouldn't let B and MIL's tantruming spoil a lovely thing you are doing for C. Especially as it is something you all enjoy and B&C do plenty of things together without you too.

The more you give in to golden child, the worse the behave in my experience.

Is B definitely miffed about not getting a free holiday, or is it just about being excluded? Have they ever been invited to come away with you both and pay for themselves?

If I had two siblings that kept going away together and not inviting me, I'd probably be upset. I could see myself making the "free holiday scheme" comment as a joke, but it wouldn't be the money that upset me. It would be being left out!

We are fair in our family, everyone is included or no one. I would hate for this kind of bullying and back biting to happen.

If I was B I would drop you all!!

Who needs enemies when you have family like this?! I would have great friends and move very far away and not be involved with any of you. Horrid family.

This is the most batshit post though!

How can you have a policy where everyone is included or it doesn’t happen?!
Putting aside the logistics of coordinating diaries, how on Earth do you find things that appeal to babies and teens, let alone can fit that many people all at once?

It sounds unbearably stifling to only be able to socialise as one homogeneous blob of family. Is there really no allowance for the idea of people having different likes and dislikes?

And also a variation on the MN favourite of ‘marriage is so important and sacred that I would end it over the smallest misdemeanour’ here

‘my family is so close that if anyone wrongs me in the smallest way, I would drop everyone and never speak to them ever again’
Surely families can’t be this petty and childish?!

You've talked lots about b and Cs kids seeing each other but not a and bs, so it's really possible that b does feel left out. The reality is that you've had multiple holidays with c and without her so she has been left out though that is your right to do so. It sounds like bs finances are also tight . I think you may be overestimating how much money b has and in reality you've given c a holiday b probably can't afford. I think your stated reasons for doing so might be a bit disingenuous tbh.

I can certainly understand B feeling left out, that is reasonable. Just as it is totally understandable that a little sister with two older brothers constantly feels left out as the two older boys more naturally play with one another.
The question becomes, what to do with this scenario? A parent has two options: (a) say to little sister to let the boys who are playing nicely be - perhaps the parent play with the sister a bit more (ie do some games that the boys might even prefer to join in - so they then gravitate to her), unless and until the sister works out how to engage with her brothers in ways that make them want to include her, or (b) to demand of the boys that they include their sister, often wrecking their game, in the name of "fairness".

Given what we have been told about A and his needing always to be the "responsible one" to the extent he felt the need to move away, and given that the reason for C giving A the heads up was, it turns out, because B had run off to MIL - it seems clear that the family dynamic was (b) - running off to MIL is exactly what C and A expect B to do, which is why C felt he had to give A the heads up (as he would have historically done) - which is also why A is feeling so upset and cross. All his anger about having to constantly play B's way throughout his childhood, and having his childhood games wrecked in the name of including B is bubbling to the surface (because if B gets her DM to insist she is included, she also gets to define how the game goes, she doesn't have to learn to make any adjustments to what A and C want or to play nicely, she has powerful mother on her side and can always whine she is being left out if things don't go her way). That is why taking approach (b) is the wrong approach in a family, even though yes, it is totally reasonable for little sisters to feel left out and a parent should emphathise with that and help the sibling find ways of dealing with it.

A is so upset because it is his old family dynamic coming up in new form and he thought he had left that behind. But he doesn't have the tools to explain why he is so upset. And since every time he tried to have games with C without B dictating he was met with a "fairness" argument - it is not "fair" for you to leave your DSis out, he has felt the need to frame what he is doing to C in terms of fairness.

It does seem like it’s entirely normal for some people’s families to run like a cross between a mafia fiefdom and the three musketeers.

I am genuinely glad I wasn’t born into, or marry into, one that runs like that. I much rather people, family or not, request my company because they actually enjoy it, not because they feel they have to lump it lest Don Corleone over here pop off.

Thankfully I was hatched by lizards with the same values, so I don’t have to worry about that.

I’d carry on as you are OP.

I'd like lodge a complaint that the OP assigned letters to siblings in their assumed wealth order rather than birth order.

It's wrong. What sort of monster does that.

I took it that they’d ordered them on how often each family normally got a holiday.

A monster? Sheesh!

@Naem

Are you a therapist? If so, please can I see you!
If not, you have possibly missed your calling

If I were A, that would be the end of free holidays for anyone.

I'm A. I treat C to a lot to stuff. B sister doesn't mind because she isn't an entitled nob. I mean on what planet does a sibling think they are entitled to a portion of your income!

I don't invite anyone along on holiday. I like stressfree holidays, stress free life as well and you only have to read threads on here about big family holidays to realise they are anything but stress free. Leaving one sibling out over and over again isn't nice however you try to dress it up.

C should get a better job and stop scrounging off their siblings