Sibling fallout - who is being unreasonable

[wasabipeas]

I’m trying to keep this neutral because I’ve lost perspective on this situation so please be gentle…

3 siblings - A, B and C. All married with DCs

A is very well off, big house, lots of holidays, skiing etc
B is doing ok, has a holiday every year but camping/Eurocamp or self catering sort of things
C has the least money of all of them, due to working in a low-paying industry and wouldn’t ordinarily take DCs ‘away’ on holiday but would do day trips locally etc

For the last few years, family A has offered to take family C on holiday. Not joining their usual long haul but Centreparcs or a week in a cottage which Family A pays for

A and C have returned from a holiday recently, and B asked C how it was.
C said it was great, B said, half jokingly ‘I look forward to it being our turn for the free FamilyA holiday scheme one day’

C tells A what was said, A contacts C and says that it’s not about free holidays so much as giving kids who wouldn’t otherwise have a holiday something, where as B’s kids get a holiday every year, so this isn’t something that B is going to come to as long as they are able to give their kids a holiday

A is cross and B being entitled, B is cross at their kids being excluded, C is stuck in the middle of it

Who IBU?

if it makes any difference, A and C are the same gender

Actually, I think it was clear your guess was wrong - even before the OP commented. B is clearly the golden child - she is the girl out of two boys (even before OP said she B is the youngest), and she has done the typical golden child thing "Mummy, the boys aren't playing with me" - and then Mummy comes along and tries to "force" the boys to include their sister into their games. And what usually then happens is it doesn't work, so the boys end up each doing their own thing because there is no way of getting this dynamic to work, but they are not "allowed" to play with each other without including their sister.

Which is what sounds like is exactly going to happen here. Because B has gone running to Mummy, A & C will no longer end up having holidays together that both their families enjoy. But I do think it is correct to identify what is really going on - A & C (and their DW) like playing and hanging out together. Since C can't afford it, the only way to do that is for A to pay, which he is happy to do. Just as when he was a kid, A being older and stronger may have made allowance for C in the games to make the games work (which he was happy to do). But he could never do that successfully with B to get a game that worked for everybody, and of course as the oldest it was always his responsibility to make everybody (ie B) happy.

A does not enjoy holidaying with B, any more than he did as a kid, but in the family home he was never allowed to express his feelings about constantly having B foist upon him and he isn't allowed express how he really feels. Hence C's economic situation being a way of masking what is really going on. A would not want to holiday with B even were B on the breadline and the only way for B's kids to have a holiday. But no doubt if B was on the breadline, MIL would insist that it was A's responsibility to include her - because that is the way she ran her home.

Jesus

B has no business complaining

C is a shit stirrer, or thick, for mentioning it to A (the idea they were giving a heads up is nonsense, I’m sure A is well able to deal with any issues that arise)

A shouldn’t be reacting to B’s nonsense

3 adult siblings are not an Enid Blyton lump, there are 3 relationships: A and B, A and C, B and C. If a sibling, or a PIL, is interfering in a relationship they aren’t involved in, the other siblings need to push back.

Some people will naturally spend more time together because of geography or comparability or whatever. Other people might get upset about this. You don’t want to turn it into cliques, so if you don’t do holidays with B do BBQs or whatever.

But ultimately some people get on better with others and that is fine, it just has to be lived with. Being an adult means dealing with people being pissed off with you sometimes.

I think the siblings have leaned poor relationship management from the PILs, who clearly think they are an Enid Blyton lump, so the PILs need firm management too.

C should not have said what B said as that is what has caused the hassle. C should be happy that A is a good sibling and gives them a holiday and learn to not stir it up. B probably feels left out and do not think it is even about the holiday but just feeling left out. A should not be made to feel bad as doing a good thing for those kids taking the family on holiday so for me it is C who is s shit stirrer and a gossip. She could have replied we had a lovely time and only for A would be no holiday and whatever B said keep to herself in future.

So C and family get a fantastic trip to Centre Parcs with you because oh gosh they work so very hard and struggle so very much and won’t someone think of the poor children (in spite of the fact that Mrs C, being a TA, does not work full time).
Meanwhile B and family get as a good a camping holiday as they can afford with less than fuck all invitation from you to involve them in your holidays because you think they don’t deserve it… because Mrs B does not work full time. And also you don’t like her.

Nice.

And the more you post, the more it looks like bullying and exclusion of B. In these situations often one family member is given the role of “difficult.” Looks like that’s B.

Totally

Would the B and C kids not have shared their experiences and A fam not been outed anyway, ultimately

*Yeah I feel a bit sorry for B, out of everyone.

Basically A's kids go on several really good holidays, and one pretty nice one, which is also extra fun if they are with their cousins.
C's kids go on one pretty nice holiday with their cousins.
B's kids only go on a bog standard holiday, just with their parents, and hear all about the nice holidays all their cousins went on, together. Not fun*

This. I feel for B and their kids, they must be feeling left out, regardless of who is paying for what.

If this had been a one-off, as it started out, then fair enough. But it's becoming a regular thing, with an invitation never given to B, even if they are asked to contribute. I can totally see why B is feeling left out, and has made a comment to MIL (although they could have handled it better, leaving out the money aspect).

C is definitely shit stirring. And if A can't see that B may be feeling left out, they're being a bit dense, or uncaring about it.

Yep. This

This. B and C live locally and all the kids hang out when A's not there being all bountiful. C is a shit stirrer and loves it.

B was making a joke and a& c have blown it out of proportion

I just realised you're A's wife.
Sorry but this is poor behaviour and yes you are all excluding B and her children. If I were B I'd leave you all to it, but I suspect she wants her children to have a good relationship with her cousins and uncles and aunts. I feel bad for B and her kids.

B is a dick.

C told A, IMO, due to feeling insecure/upset/hurt because they can’t do they for their DC themselves, and B was a cunt for saying that to C.

And nah, C can’t afford camping for £150, are you having a laugh? Even the basics for camping cost a fucking fortune, and frankly, it’s no fun with the bare basics.

I’m the eldest of 5. I have DCs. I’m the most educated, highest earner by a very long shot. I take my current, only, nephew on holiday with us almost every time (different school holidays, and I don’t take my siblings because she pisses me off, the feeling is mutual).

Nephew is bang in the middle of my DCs ages - they’re now all teens. If my other siblings have DCs any time soon, by the time they’re toddlers, the current crop of my DC/neph will be late teens at the youngest, and any holiday we go on will not be suitable for a much younger batch of cousins.

Does that I mean I should

• change the holiday type so it bores me and the teens, but includes the toddler?


• pay for whatever sibling has a child next to take their child away?


• stop taking my nephew away now?

Why couldn't they borrow B's camping gear?

I suspect this is A's wife and B's wife shit stirring, not the brothers themselves.

Cs wife not Bs!

A is being lovely and generous to C and their children but hasn't thought through how this might feel to B.

C should consider themselves extremely lucky.

B is absolutely allowed to feel left out and to perceive things as unfair. They are - but this is where you need to look at equity vs equality. Giving C and family a holiday equals out the fact they can't afford it and allows all children a holiday - but it IS unfair as not also giving same to B as it is felt they don't need it. That is absolutely A's right , but B isn't wrong to feel upset about the unfairness, especially if they tighten belts to afford their OK holiday and see C being given it on a platter. B is allowed those feelings but should really have bitten her tongue as ultimately it's A's money and B is entitled to nothing. Not surprising a snippy comment escaped them though.

MIL should stay well out of it - nothing to do with her.

C should have kept quiet about the entire thing.

Also...A and C's children go on holiday and bond. Not many days or regularly, but fairly intensely if staying together. B and C's children do fairly regular days out. But when do A and B's ch get to bond?

One last thought...we just about manage a self catering holiday in the UK once a year. But to do this, days out tend to be free, through Tesco Rewards or a rare treat. Steam train on birthday would be a definite no due to cost. We don't do plate painting. Soft play maybe once or twice a year. Perhaps less of those types of days out might allow C to save for their own holiday.

You’re all twats

B is being an entitled arse! The bloody nerve! I think it's really thoughtful of you and your DH paying for family C.

I can't help wondering how much input A actually has. Seems OP is the one accidentally booking extra space each year and inviting C.

Plus in the interest of fairness, seeing we are aware of all the mothers involved working statuses does the OP work full or part time?

(I'd say spouses rather than mothers but we only know the working status of A (earns loads, presumed full time seeing he doesn't have time to book holidays or have his mother speak to him about B), C and his wife (hard working and poor as church mice) and B (part time and should really be full time if she wants to go to Centre Parc or stay in cottages

Just realised there's no mention if B's spouse works or a what they work as - or even if they exist. (Least not sure, may have been mentioned but I'm not scrolling back as I'll have to go to different pages so I will have to copy what I've written or lose it.)

Also I need to be reminded. What's B's gripe? Her children being left out of the cousins spending time together or not getting a free holiday?

I guess it just highlights to B the fact that A and C are closer siblings than A and B.
It sounds like A has explained the reasons, and that seems very reasonable to the outside observer.
Is there any scope for A to try and improve the relationship with B, taking holidays out of the equation? I

Can people stop saying about C going camping? It's a shit "holiday" in the eyes of many people and they maybe hate camping.

If A wants to give them a holiday that much give them some money to go on their own. Or buy a house abroad they can all use when they want!!

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time, OP. If we take what you said at face value, and B is difficult, then I can see why you wouldn’t want to go on holiday with her/them. Sounds like she stamped her feet and went running to MIL, kind of proves your point. There are consequences in life if you are hard work; people might not want to hang out with you.

I do agree that it sounds like started off as a one-off, and you all had a great time so it continues. That’s not a crime though.

Not sure how anyone can demand a holiday either… whether you feel left out or not.

I think that's the point. B puts a brave face on their camping hols, as that's probably all they can afford. C could do that but instead gets A to fund a much better holiday and they jointly exclude B from family holidays with cousins on the grounds that she loves her camping too much and doesn't like luxury anyway. B dares to upset the groupthink by making a joke to C.

A is being unreasonable 100%