Page 14 | Daughter getting married, husband invited 2 families to stay in our house

CakeFiend8 · 2022-08-24T13:16:30+00:00

Am I being unreasonable to think that my husband inviting two families to stay in our house the week of our daughter's wedding is a bit much? To put it mildly. The two families consist of his niece + husband + 2 children, and his sister-in-law and their two children. And no, we don't have any spare bedrooms, so my husband said we will give one family our bedroom while we sleep wherever there's a couch, and the other family will take the front room with a sofabed. Any other time, fine - but it's the week of our daughter's wedding which will surely be chaotic just waiting for the bathroom in the morning with 11 people in the house! I want to bury myself in a hole somewhere and cry... It's adding to my daughter's anxiety, who is already stressed out with wedding plans, and me, as mother of the bride, I'm having kittens! Please let me know if I'm over-reacting...

Jellicoe · 26/08/2022 08:25

Here's an idea book a nice hotel nearby for you and your daughter to get ready in. Have a nice dinner the night before as well. This should be a happy memory x

MachineBee · 26/08/2022 08:25

Perhaps a better approach with your DH is to tell him how his relatives will remember your DDs wedding. Not as a wonderful family event, but as a miserable experience being embarrassed at turfing you out of your bed, queuing for the bathroom and generally getting in the way. He’ll be seen as the mean thoughtless man of the family - does he really want to be a laughing stock?

I agree with PPs that he needs to book an Air bnb or hotel for his relatives.

And HE needs to make sure he plans lots of entertainment for them on the days before the wedding - that doesn’t involve you doing anything!

LadyEloise1 · 26/08/2022 08:29

MachineBee · 26/08/2022 08:25

Perhaps a better approach with your DH is to tell him how his relatives will remember your DDs wedding. Not as a wonderful family event, but as a miserable experience being embarrassed at turfing you out of your bed, queuing for the bathroom and generally getting in the way. He’ll be seen as the mean thoughtless man of the family - does he really want to be a laughing stock?

I agree with PPs that he needs to book an Air bnb or hotel for his relatives.

And HE needs to make sure he plans lots of entertainment for them on the days before the wedding - that doesn’t involve you doing anything!

Excellent post. 👏🏻

RayneDance · 26/08/2022 08:39

Op I have only read page one so I'm sure it's moved on 🤣 however I was going to say I'm a believer in the more the merrier but the mother of the bride sleeping on a couch?
No!! For goodness sake!

RampantIvy · 26/08/2022 09:12

but in my experience there's a lot to do in the week before

Like what?

I had a small wedding - 40 guests. Everything had been arranged and booked for a while so there was very little to do. I remember going on day trips and sunbathing in the garden the week before I got married. It was all very stress free.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/08/2022 09:16

RampantIvy · 26/08/2022 09:12

but in my experience there's a lot to do in the week before

Like what?

I had a small wedding - 40 guests. Everything had been arranged and booked for a while so there was very little to do. I remember going on day trips and sunbathing in the garden the week before I got married. It was all very stress free.

If he's Italian, it's not going to be a small wedding!

Isinglass20 · 26/08/2022 09:19

Southern Italian I guess. Husband totally dominated by his Mamma who will throw an volcano of a fit to find she can’t stay with her son, and can’t take over wedding arrangements. It’s a matriarchal society. Even if you move out to a hotel she’ll make it awkward. I divorced my Italian husband. I couldn’t take it any more.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/08/2022 09:30

7 extra people with no spare bedrooms is insane. The run up to the wedding would be difficult, but the day itself would be so stressful. Where's everyone going to get ready? No one is going to have any privacy. Absolute nightmare and just a no. He can dig his heels in and be as stubborn as he likes (DP is Spanish, so I know how the male Latin temperament is!), but it's going to be miserable for all involved. I hope you
find a solution. I wouldn't personally message his family or tell him you're going to, that's something that's going to cause massive problems between you both, but make it clear that he has to.

Does he have form for this kind of selfish behaviour or is this a one off due to the wedding? I understand that culturally, close blood family is more often than not as important as your wife and kids in counties like Spain and Italy. When it comes to parents, if a choice had to be made, they'd often come before the wife/partner, and sometimes siblings would too. This is a big cultural difference it took me a good while to get my head around! The most important person here should be DD though, as it's her day and he needs to realise that it's not actually about him and his family, it's about her. You and her shouldn't even have to consider moving out if your home to a hotel, it should be his family doing that, full stop and end of conversation. I hope you get this resolved

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 09:39

Decamp to a hotel and leave them to him.

Sswhinesthebest · 26/08/2022 09:49

Can you actually afford a hotel op, which by the way, has become the new cancel the cheque.

wellobviouslyyoucan · 26/08/2022 09:50

When my daughter got married we stayed in the hotel where she was having her reception the night before the wedding and the the night of her wedding. This was so we could all have a relaxed time together.

My husband asked if his family could therefore use our empty house nearby. I even said no to this as I didn't want to have to get the house ready and change all the beds etc, as I wanted to enjoy the build up to the wedding!

EllieCam1 · 26/08/2022 10:22

Use Google translate!

Mumof3confused · 26/08/2022 10:59

Does your daughter live with you?

I’d check in to a nearby spa hotel with your daughter for the week, at your husband’s expense. It will be lovely.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/08/2022 11:13

Mumof3confused · 26/08/2022 10:59

Does your daughter live with you?

I’d check in to a nearby spa hotel with your daughter for the week, at your husband’s expense. It will be lovely.

Unless they have separate finances, it's going to be at her expense too!! The husband needs to sort out the mess he's made. I would MUCH prefer to be in a spa hotel in the run up to my wedding, sounds lovely, but the DD wants to be comfortable at home with her own stuff. The bride's wishes should trump her dad's.

Middmary · 26/08/2022 11:41

in our culture this is totally normal. And so much fun! We love it, when theres a big event to gather somewhere and all get ready together and enjoy it together. Its a great once in a blue moon thing so enjoy it if you can! Bring you closer as a family to spend this kind of time together. its probably normal in their culture too so they probably havent thought they will be putting you out by staying over

That being said, the bride/groom, their parents and anyone else who had arrnaged it for themselves usually didnt do their own hair/makeup/getting ready and left to go wherever to be done up by someone else. So its not as stressful as you might think on the morning of.

Tell your daughter its not her responsibility to do anything for the guests so she can relax. Make sure she has her own room still to herself.

And the key for yourself, is not to stress over cleanliness, order out the night before to avoid cooking (we actually all chipped into cooking and cleaning as a family so this is also an option if they are the type to throw themselves into work as opposed to expecting to be waited on) and just enjoy the family time. You can sort everything out after the event. Its not like anyone would be coming back and seeing what a mess everything was as all events are held outside the house. It will take a few hours to clean the house back up after the wedding, if everyone helps it wont even take 1-2 hours. And its totally worth a bit of mess for some good old family bonding time

KvotheTheBloodless · 26/08/2022 11:59

Middmary · 26/08/2022 11:41

in our culture this is totally normal. And so much fun! We love it, when theres a big event to gather somewhere and all get ready together and enjoy it together. Its a great once in a blue moon thing so enjoy it if you can! Bring you closer as a family to spend this kind of time together. its probably normal in their culture too so they probably havent thought they will be putting you out by staying over

That being said, the bride/groom, their parents and anyone else who had arrnaged it for themselves usually didnt do their own hair/makeup/getting ready and left to go wherever to be done up by someone else. So its not as stressful as you might think on the morning of.

Tell your daughter its not her responsibility to do anything for the guests so she can relax. Make sure she has her own room still to herself.

And the key for yourself, is not to stress over cleanliness, order out the night before to avoid cooking (we actually all chipped into cooking and cleaning as a family so this is also an option if they are the type to throw themselves into work as opposed to expecting to be waited on) and just enjoy the family time. You can sort everything out after the event. Its not like anyone would be coming back and seeing what a mess everything was as all events are held outside the house. It will take a few hours to clean the house back up after the wedding, if everyone helps it wont even take 1-2 hours. And its totally worth a bit of mess for some good old family bonding time

But @Middmary where is OP supposed to sleep?! On the hard floor, the night before her DD's wedding? She'll look terrible if she doesn't get enough sleep, as will her DD if she stays up late talking with family or is kept awake by all the noise. And what about getting into the bathroom? Imagine 12 people all wanting a shower, to pee, to brush their teeth all in one morning, whilst OP's poor DD tries to get ready for her actual wedding! It'll be awful!

penelopeisland · 26/08/2022 12:02

Middmary · 26/08/2022 11:41

in our culture this is totally normal. And so much fun! We love it, when theres a big event to gather somewhere and all get ready together and enjoy it together. Its a great once in a blue moon thing so enjoy it if you can! Bring you closer as a family to spend this kind of time together. its probably normal in their culture too so they probably havent thought they will be putting you out by staying over

That being said, the bride/groom, their parents and anyone else who had arrnaged it for themselves usually didnt do their own hair/makeup/getting ready and left to go wherever to be done up by someone else. So its not as stressful as you might think on the morning of.

Tell your daughter its not her responsibility to do anything for the guests so she can relax. Make sure she has her own room still to herself.

And the key for yourself, is not to stress over cleanliness, order out the night before to avoid cooking (we actually all chipped into cooking and cleaning as a family so this is also an option if they are the type to throw themselves into work as opposed to expecting to be waited on) and just enjoy the family time. You can sort everything out after the event. Its not like anyone would be coming back and seeing what a mess everything was as all events are held outside the house. It will take a few hours to clean the house back up after the wedding, if everyone helps it wont even take 1-2 hours. And its totally worth a bit of mess for some good old family bonding time

A Culture clash ?
If this wedding was held in Italy, it would certainly go by the Italian culture. But it is not.

Not everyone is good around so many people?
No need to put more pressure on the bride, and squeeze her out of her home, if she is not used to it - especially on the verge of her wedding?

2 families of 7+ people coming to UK can stay in a hotel, plenty time to engage and bond with each other there.

I do understand that a mixed culture family always has to somehow compromise, but it should not be asked of the bride.

In our fam a hotel with everyone staying there is usually booked the night before + night of the wedding. If that is not a choice, maybe remove yourselves to a hotel and pamper the bride + mum so they can also have a nice time and enjoy time before the wedding?

1HappyTraveller · 26/08/2022 12:08

Husband needs to rescind invitation.

If he’s being stubborn then ‘google translate’ and the rest be on his head.

There is not enough space and your daughter is stressed out already. It’s her day and your husband is being unfair. He needs to fix this.

Seaweed42 · 26/08/2022 12:15

The fact that he did this without asking you says a lot about your relationship.

AnotherEmma · 26/08/2022 13:08

What an arse.
He could book a big Airbnb (or several smaller ones) for all the family, if he wants to show willing to host them.
Am I right in thinking you have a 2 bedroom flat/house and your daughter lives with you? Or do you have more bedrooms and people?

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 13:35

Just say no!

theviewfrommywindow · 26/08/2022 15:21

What was the outcome @CakeFiend8? I’d be literally fuming, too much drama during the run up to what will already be a stressful week! If he won’t back down then book a hotel for you and your daughter with a dinner the night before.

Original poster

CakeFiend8 · 26/08/2022 15:47

Hi @theviewfrommywindow - he backed down a little and is looking for one of the families to stay somewhere else. Which means we still have one family of three (a sister-in-law and her two little children) staying in the house… Not ideal, but at least I won’t have to give up my bedroom, as that family can stay in the second lounge. I’ve told my husband that he will have to look after them/clean up etc, as I’ll be too busy with preparation.

We might still book a nice hotel for me and my daughter the night before the wedding, so we can have a relaxed dinner and sleep. The next day, I can either ask the hotel for a late check-out so we can do all the hair and makeup, or book a second night for her and her new hubby.

Thanks to everyone’s responses here on Mumsnet! ♥️ I was so upset about the whole thing, but reading other people’s thoughts helped me see clearly, and also to formulate a clear plan of action!

OP posts:

theviewfrommywindow · 26/08/2022 16:21

@CakeFiend8 I’m really pleased, good for you for holding firm. Hope you all have a wonderful day when it gets here 😊

Noodles1234 · 26/08/2022 17:02

You are not being unreasonable, I can’t believe people are even considering staying with you. I would say Rescind the invitations immediately and their call to sort out something else. You will have way too much to deal with, emotions, getting ready etc, two telephone calls then move on to the beautiful anticipation of the day.

Any fall out would be bad form on their part, but if so your husband can deal with.

Have a wonderful day.