Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

I think close family - neices and nephews and grandparents is a no no. In terms of no gift. Suggest a low price limit instead
For friends I'd say good idea.

Yanbu, send something like:

We’re always very grateful for your kind presents for us and our dc at Christmas but unfortunately we won’t be in a financial position to reciprocate this year to the same degree.

I'd tell people exactly what you've put here. I don't think it's rude to let people know that you can't afford to buy presents. If you don't say anything you'll feel obligated to spend money that you can't afford, and where's the sense in that?

I decided on this tactic many years ago. Believe me everyone was quite relieved and were glad I was the first to say it! No gifts to or from anyone apart from immediate family. Too much tat ends up in landfill, even though the donor has good intentions. Saves money and time and stressing around also.

I just said, look we are not buying anything for kids this year. Hope you understand and will reciprocate by not getting anything for ours. When things improve we can start again. (But they never did, hallelujah).

Friends - just have a conversation with them, they may be thinking the same.

Grand parents - let them get on with it and give them a calendar with photos of the grand children or Google Christmas art and use foot or hand prints to make something suitable.

I cannot afford to reciprocate at all though, not even £1per child. We are totally broke until I go back to work and are having to use a food bank come October when our money runs out (bar what we have that covers our mortgage etc each month) I cannot return to work sooner for lots of reasons out of my control.

I think its rude to not let people know. If its a long standing custom and you want to change it, you talk about it first and dont just spring it on them when they dont have a chance to adjust what they want to do in response.

Can't have a conversation - too awkward and too many rich friends and family who'd probably look at me like I've got 2 heads.

Can't afford a calender but could make some gifts with crafts that's a good idea.

I am hoping to do the same with DHs family this year. We spend about £150 a year on presents for nephews and nieces we never see, and they reciprocate. I'm hoping to say something like "money is quite tight at the moment, would anyone mind if we don't exchange gifts this year, or maybe limit it to £10 per child?"

Can't have a conversation - too awkward and too many rich friends and family who'd probably look at me like I've got 2 heads
They're not very good friends then are they. Surely even "rich friends" can understand "I'm on mat leave and don't have much money at the moment".

Can't have a conversation - too awkward and too many rich friends and family who'd probably look at me like I've got 2 heads.

Well, if you simply can't buy anything what is more awkward? standing there while they shower gifts on your family and you have nothing? or heading them off at the pass?

Also I definitely agree with you that you need to let people know you can't reciprocate. Far more rude to just not buy them a gift and hope they're OK with it!

They will but will feel less awkward via text.

Exactly I agree but not sure how to word it.

Wish I could afford £10 per child. That would be approx £200 which I simply don't have (lots of kids in our family and close friends)

"Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers!"

With an extra sentence about how we'll all have a lovely Christmas anyway!

I'd say tell them.

I'd not be bothered at all if a family member couldn't buy me a gift. My grandmother stopped buying for me when my child was born (and told me she'd be doing this) as she now buys for him instead and she doesn't have loads of spare cash. I don't mind at all!

I had to send a message to family and friends, reluctantly, a few years ago to say we wouldn't be buying gifts. It was mid covid money was really tight and we could just afford our own kids gifts. Most people were totally understanding x

If you cannot afford to reciprocate even a £1 and are using a food bank from October, how is your DH proposing to fund this if he thinks it's rude to send the message?

YANBU

I'd go with a message like @picklemewalnuts suggests... it doesn't have to be about your personal financial situation, we're headed into a recession, cutting costs should be supported.

Also as @CakeCrumbs44 I hope you're wrong about your friends, DH and I are both reasonably high earners - if one of our friends said they were struggling financially, we do everything we could to make them feel comfortable about telling us. Times are tough, even more so when you're on maternity leave or other long term leave, that's no reflection on you, that's just the shitty old world situation.

Hi, we're going to have to drop out of presents this year and maybe in the future, please don't feel you have to gift our children without reciprocation even though it shouldn't be about reciprocation

I think as long as you make it clear that you want it to be reciprocal (you aren't buying for other kids and they shouldn't buy for yours) then it's a good idea to send.

Depending on how much of an explanation you feel you need to give, could you say (long version):

Due to the cost of living pressures, this year we'd like to please exchange cards only at Christmas, rather than gifts between our families.
We hope you understand - we know it's a change to our usual Christmas traditions, but we aren't in a position to buy lots of gifts this year and this is a change we need to make. We hope you will reciprocate and we would love you to send us your Christmas wishes in a card, but no gifts please

Could you have a conversation about your difference of opinion with your friends instead?

’DH and I were talking about Christmas presents and can’t agree. Do you think it would be rude to suggest no gifts or a price limit on gifts to family? How about friends?’

Listen to what they say and then respond:

’Oh, I’m so glad you agree with me! Can we skip pressies this year in favour of a Christmas outing together?’
or
’Oh, I’m so glad you agree with me! What price limit shall we put on it this year? £5/10/whatever?’
or
‘That’s what DH said too. Thanks for your input. More tea? Are your children looking forward to school starting again?’

We have stopped exchanging gifts with DH's Brothers family, they live abroad, sending gifts by post often costs nearly as much as the gifts themselves. However, DH phoned him to discuss, I think having a conversation about it is better than sending a text.