Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

Our family ,all of them have been much happier since we stopped all this Xmas giving. NO one at all complained or judged they were as glad for the madness to stop as muh as we were. I would just say look this is getting out of hand for all of us especially this year with the bills as they are and rising, can you just do your family and we will just do ours ?can we all not bother for each other as we are struggling. Bet they all say yes good idea! You will feel so much better if you tackle it now and get it off your mind.

It's family? If you can't have that conversation with family who can you have it with ffs?

We did this years ago, I can't even remember who sent the first message saying did we fancy stopping presents between us all at this point, and just doing cards. We all agreed, it was no biggie.

It was a relief for everyone btw! Just do it.

I bet you there'll be some people who receive that message who are relieved, because they were secretly thinking the same thing.

YES, you need to tell your family and friends. It is not fair. I have already said that to my family long time ago and will not be buying anything. And do not worry what others will think or how will they look at you. Worry about u and your family. My DH family wasnt too happy and think we are rude not to get nieces and nephews anything. they clearly didnt hear the part we cannot afford it and wont be able to make it from paycheck to paycheck in couple of months. Probably couldn’t hear it driving their new cars, 5 times a week in restaurants, cinema every week (wealthy people and we are not worthy as we r struggling so no help for us but taking DSil and her family along and pay for them even though they r wealthy too it is all good) ffs.

Not rude in my opinion.

You could focus on the fact that many people are struggling and think it insensitive to splash out on Christmas. You could advocate a charity donation instead of exchanging gifts. How much is up to each person and is a private matter.

Not read all the thread, but just do it. I did years ago it was getting far too out of hand! You absolutely should not be buying people things if you are going short of food. Anyone worthy of being in your life would not want this!

I sent an email can't remember the actual wording, but something like...

Christmas Amnesty - just an early heads up. Money is very tight right now and we will not be giving gifts this year. We, of course, do not expect to receive any either. Please use the money you would spend on us to buy yourselves an extra treat. We hope/know our lovely friends will understand. x

Don't overthink, some people will be relieved I promise.

As for family if it is impossible to stop (even for this year) then crafts/homebaked things and just agree kids only??

She's actually said they are a big family lot's of children. They can't even afford to spend £1 for each child.

You don't give to recive I would still want to get the children a gift even if I knew they couldn't afford to buy gifts for my children.

I don't think YABU for wanting to break the cycle of gifts. We've done the same over the years for various reasons.

With friends, I simply said we weren't buying for anyone outside of the family for Christmas any longer but we meet up for a drink. Still buy for birthdays during the year though.

Distant family, we said rather than presents that are posted, let's meet up instead so the younger cousins see each other and have a fun day out (resulting meet-up never happened, but no-one was bothered and cycle was broken henceforth).

Closer family - introduced a secret santa; we've gone from buying for 12 adults to 4. We don't actually include the kids in ours, but I know others that do.

Any of those work for you?

My very large family all decided to stop the present exchange a few years ago and just do a secret Santa and a donation to a homelessness charity. It makes even more sense for struggling families to do something like this now.

We've done this for the past few years, not because of money (though I think that may be an issue this year) but because of waste. Buying things that people generally don't want or need is not necessary.

Could you even offer a secret Santa, do you only have to buy one gift?

considering Everything is going up lots of people have already started buying things.
4 months is hardly a year in advance when you have multiple people to buy for.
Some of us like to be organised and enjoy relaxing in December and not running around last minute.

I will always remember watching Martin Lewis on TV talking about unnecessary gifts.He's right we still have gifts from last Christmas we haven't bothered with.

I would rather do without gifts than people feel like they have to gift back and get themselves into debt. But I would still want to buy something for the children. You don't give to recive.

@Hymnulop I completely agree with you. My DC (all 3!) we’re born just before Christmas (2 are twins and are 20th and DS in on 24th Dec!) and I have so many nieces and nephews to buy for that I really don’t think we can do it. I think you are right, this year at least we all need to be careful with pennies

"Like many we're having to tighten our belts and have a smaller Christmas this year. So just wanted to request that you don't buy your usual incredibly kind presents for our children, as we are not in a position to reciprocate. Fingers crossed for better times to come".

Just do it. Especially if food banks are on the horizon. Personally I'd be seeing about going back to work if that's the crack.

I'm nearly finished Christmas but I wouldn't mind getting a message like this. Shit happens.

I don't think you send a message. I think you talk to people. Have a conversation, find out how people feel, reach an agreement.

When we all started having kids it kind of got out of control with mountains of stuff for each child so we had to call a halt to it. What we did was each child goes into a hat and an aunt /uncle buys for one kid only and with a set monetary value. It means everyone buys something and every kid gets something and it's all a similar value gift.

If you've leftover kids /adults you adjust accordingly - so if you've 10 adults and 8 kids, 2 adults buy booze or tubs of chocolate to an equal value for communal use, if you've 8 adults and 10 kids then you all chip in the extra nominal amount to make up the value of the gift for the extra kids.

Then when I met DH, he loved the idea and introduced it to his side of the family as well. And they introduced it to their inlaws and so on. It's purelty

We didn't really do it out of cost saving but really just to bring Christmas back from the commercialisation and avalanche of stuff for kids, and refocus on it being family time. They get a Santa present, a surprise, a stocking, a parent present, and grandparent & aunt or uncle present and you know, that's fecking loads!

I am in this boat “with family” but it’s DHs family. Both his sister in laws live abroad and earn double if not triple what we earn, especially with the hike in energy bills. They won’t be happy if we say that we aren’t buying their DCs gifts as, in their view, they can afford it so why can’t we? I don’t think my DBILS would care but it’s the women who are the issue

I had this conversation a few years ago-

I said money isnt going as far as it used too and we made the decision to take pressure off ourselves by dropping all gift exchanges and hopefully we could get a visit/ catch up in over the festive season

We only gift on special birthdays & occasions now

You should say something - I bet some people who get that text will be relieved and others will prefer that you spend your money on your kids rather than them.
It's much easier for me to say stuff like this by text than face to face but the gist of my message would be that because of cost of living, you would like to not exchange gifts this year but would like to see them during the festive period instead.

As long as there isn't someone in the family who is childless and ends up with nothing from anyone then it's fine

We had this conversation a few years ago, basically our children were getting older and it was getting difficult knowing what to buy everyone. It’s so much easier just buying close family and we are all saving money on presents people don’t really want.

Totally not rude - you're being organised and considerate. I like the idea something breezy like a pp suggested: Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers!

Anyone who takes issue with this is being unreasonable, tbh. We're financially okay, but I know a few friends might not be, with the CoLC.

We all need to cut down buying unnecessary stuff anyway. If anyone really wants to give something, make a few jars of hedgerow jam, bake a tray of gingerbread and parcel it up - I love receiving that kind of thing!

You won't be the only ones this year OP. I think there will be many many people cutting back on Christmas. Just send a message to whole family suggesting either no presents or else do a secret santa so everyone only buys one present. I've done secret santa with family for the last 3 years and it works perfectly well, everyone is happy and there's no unnecessary expense or waste.