Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

We've tried this with both our families. With my family it works great. Everyone was relieved and happily agreed. With DP's family and some friends they agreed a small amount in a card per child.

When it came to Christmas we gave each child their card and was then handed a bag of gifts.

So we gave 1 card per child and then received 1 card per child plus gifts such as photo frames, wine, tins of biscuits and sweets, shower sets etc.

Why do people do this? Wasn't just 1 household either. More like 4 households. One friend happily agreed to no presents at all then gave presents to each child plus presents for me and DP as well as a homemade baking gift.

Just why????? If any one can explain this mentality please do!!!

So how do you suggest the OP manages for food until there's more money coming in?

Yanbu. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I would text and say now if I was you. Surely your friends would understand. I would if you were my friend. I would happily say thats fine. I think we indulge too much to be honest. I remember ds1 1st Christmas. He had a ridiculous amount. My mum said something along the lines of "he's had more today than some children have in their lifetime". She was so right. How much would end up in landfill. Just text them OP. Failing that ask you dh to magic up some money if he thinks its rude.

It's not rude at all, it's just factual information. No-one should be buying presents when they can't afford them, and telling people in advance is polite to avoid misunderstandings and awkwardness later. Some people may feel relieved, some may even say so. Others will still want to buy for your children and that's fine too.

Your DH sounds strange. One of these faux-polite people that is really anything but? (I have in-laws in that category, they live in a parallel universe to me.)

I just read some more of the thread. Rightly or wrongly, some people might find a text about it rude (and texts can generally come across a bit abrupt or arrive at an inopportune moment whereas opening post or emails is a more deliberate, set-aside time for some people). You might be better emailing or writing a note to at least some people involved in this. I can think of different people I know for whom a text would be fine and others where I think I'd write a note or proper email.

If your husband just means that, then he's not so strange. If anyone reacts badly to your considered text/email/note, then THEY are very strange though.

I wouldn't do it face to face because people might misunderstand and try to negotiate. The OP has no wiggle room, so there can't be a discussion about it.

I think that it's fine to say that you cannot afford gifts this year but I wouldn't seek to tell them what they should do in terms of gifting.

I have 3 siblings and we have 10 children between us. We have agreed this year to buy one present per child from Aunties and Uncles rather than the 3 they normally get. Haven't quite figured out the logistics quite yet! But I think that we'll be far from alone in cutting back.

@Christmasiscominghohoho - Annoyed, maybe, but would you actually expect them to starve themselves in order to reciprocate?

*If you are going to do it then you need to do it soon.

Iv already bought presents for my friends kid, my daughters friends x 3, my Nan, brother, SIL and some for my auntie and put it away.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it*
you could still give them the presents if this did happen to you.

Anyone who'd refuse to hand over presents because they think they're not getting one back is an arsehole of the highest order...

we buy only for grandparents.
I have 3 siblings dh has 2 & there 9 cousins...
We only buy bday gifts for grandparents too.
Me and siblings decided years ago this is best way for all.
Just send the message

"Christmasiscominghohoho · Today 13:59

If you are going to do it then you need to do it soon.

Iv already bought presents for my friends kid, my daughters friends x 3, my Nan, brother, SIL and some for my auntie and put it away.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it."

Are you kidding?? @Christmasiscominghohoho fair enough being a little miffed but that's nobody's fault if you plan earlier and buy presents earlier. And if you were in that situation could you not hmmm...I don't know....put them away until next Christmas or birthday etc.

Ridiculous. God forbid, not everyone has that option

I plan to have the same conversation every Christmas but never follow through.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it.

You could always, you know, still give them the gift...

Christmas presents nearly caused a divorce one year when I was married, we were so skint I only spent £20 on ds & couldn't afford to buy for grown up neices & nephews. Bil turned up at our house Christmas morning returning their gifts because we hadn't bought for his step kids, exh & him ended up having a fight in the street & didn't speak again until we split up 4 years later.

I suspect many people will be in the same boat and will be glad. I’d just send a text saying
dear friends/ family,
due to our finances we are cutting back this Christmas and won’t be exchanging gifts. We hope you understand but if not tough.
stand firm, if someone says there not happy. They can’t exactly make you spend money you don’t have.
if someone gives you a gift even though you said not to there’s nothing you can do. Don’t feel guilty.

That's quite an unusual situation.

We do secret Santa and then the kids and mums. So each person is buying for one other person, the kids and mum. And we set a price limit of 15-20 for the secret Santa gift.

That only works if all the kids know each other. We have a few different groups of friends with kids and would end up doing 3 different secret Santa's, so sort of defeats the point.