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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas issue already!!!

169 replies

Hymnulop · 24/08/2022 13:22

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

OP posts:
itstheyearzero · 24/08/2022 13:50

I did this a few years ago. I have one son, some of my friends have 1,2 or 3 so I was costing me a fortune! Also some of them have December birthdays too! I just said it over Messenger. One friend was annoyed (the richest one) because she said she enjoys buying gifts. I however, could not afford 2 birthday gifts and 2 Christmas gifts in December for her boys. That was another £120 or so right before Xmas. Everybody else breathed a sigh of relief...

MzHz · 24/08/2022 13:51

Honestly, your dh is wrong. It will be excruciating to watch your kids get presents and you know you won’t be able to reciprocate, adding that guilt on yourselves at Christmas is just too much to do to yourselves.

Tell H that there is no plan b or wiggle room in your finances and Christmas gifts are exactly an area that you can help yourselves feel better by having a conversation now.

tell your family that things are tight already and won’t get any better until you’re back at work so you can’t reciprocate on gifts at all this year and it won’t feel right to accept any gifts.

have you spoken to your side of the family

Christmasiscominghohoho · 24/08/2022 13:52

Could you afford to do secret Santa with the nieces and nephews?

adults I can understand but I think it’s pretty rude to say you can buy for ours if you want to but I won’t be buying for yours.

Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 13:52

picklemewalnuts · 24/08/2022 13:41

"Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers!"

Absolutely. Nobody needs gifts from all and sundry anyway, it's not necessary.

Mommabear20 · 24/08/2022 13:56

I'd definitely tell them in advance (though most people I know have already made a start on Christmas long ago due to money). I'd feel awful if I was the recipient of a gift and wasn't giving one too, but also if I gave one and didn't receive one in return (obviously not if it was me to a friend and friend to me, but if it was for the kids as they'd be upset and possibly wouldn't understand).

dummymummy123 · 24/08/2022 13:58

We started reducing Christmas buying a few years ago. People were quite happy with the arrangement just to do birthdays (well, no one complained). Last Christmas we bought for our parents, our nephew & our DS. I just now say we aren’t doing Christmas presents & people still buy for DS. I’m a SAHM so I think people understand we need to watch our money. It also makes the Christmas period much less stressful. Always send out thank you cards.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 24/08/2022 13:59

If you are going to do it then you need to do it soon.

Iv already bought presents for my friends kid, my daughters friends x 3, my Nan, brother, SIL and some for my auntie and put it away.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it.

SunnyD44 · 24/08/2022 14:00

If you have no money, you have no money.

I would just be completely honest and say you know it’s still quite early but you keep worrying about it as due to your circumstances you cannot afford to buy anyone presents.
So this Christmas you will just be sending Christmas cards instead and hope that everyone does that same for you to make it fair.

onelittlefrog · 24/08/2022 14:01

If you cannot afford anything at all then surely you don't have any choice? I would feel very awkward accepting a lot of gifts and not giving anything in return.

The most polite thing to do is as you suggest, let people know ahead of time that you are having to cut back this year.

It's just awkward otherwise when gift giving is one-way.

CrystalCalm · 24/08/2022 14:02

I wish we could do this! I tried last year, a friend didn't speak to me for weeks and I ended up buying her and her kids presents in the end. My family are much "don't worry about buying us but we'll still buy you" arghhh that just makes me feel guilty so I buy them too.

Last year I tried to put a limit on it, sibling one said they didn't like having to stick to a limit and would spend more than the limit anyway, despite being in debt and struggling each month.

The only people I have successfully managed to cut the present buying ties with are friends who live 300 miles away, covid meant we didn't visit and it just naturally made sense to not waste money on postage etc.

Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 14:02

Christmasiscominghohoho · 24/08/2022 13:59

If you are going to do it then you need to do it soon.

Iv already bought presents for my friends kid, my daughters friends x 3, my Nan, brother, SIL and some for my auntie and put it away.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it.

Hmm. If it's purely reciprocal for you, maybe just don't bother?

Sally872 · 24/08/2022 14:02

Sending a message is not rude at all and much less awkward than receiving gifts for your children but not giving any.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 14:02

I can't see how asking people NOT to buy you presents is 'Rude as fuck'.

Charming.

I'm assuming DH will be choosing, shopping and paying for the all presents the he wants to give, then.

onelittlefrog · 24/08/2022 14:04

Christmasiscominghohoho · 24/08/2022 13:59

If you are going to do it then you need to do it soon.

Iv already bought presents for my friends kid, my daughters friends x 3, my Nan, brother, SIL and some for my auntie and put it away.

Id be annoyed if someone then said they don’t want to exchange gifts when Iv already bought it.

If you've bought it 4+ months ahead of time then tbh that's your own fault! Most people aren't thinking about it that soon. August/ September is not too late, OP. I've had messages like this mid-December and wouldn't bat an eyelid.

BridetoBee · 24/08/2022 14:05

Is it a large group of friends? If so could the children all do a secret Santa with a limit of £10 each and get them involved?

Meraas · 24/08/2022 14:05

PicaK · 24/08/2022 13:25

I think close family - neices and nephews and grandparents is a no no. In terms of no gift. Suggest a low price limit instead
For friends I'd say good idea.

It's a no no for OP to afford gifts. She can't spend what she doesn't have.

So arrogant to tell her she has to buy family gifts.

Bananarama21 · 24/08/2022 14:05

I did this recently I had bought dneices and dnephews for years as they have mine but I simply can't afford to do so this year and for two lots of families. I'm worrying about gas and electricity and food. I told one sil and dbro2 who were amazing and completely understood my honesty. My other dbro1 threw it in my face shamed me as he had bought my eldest for 14 years. I had previously bought dnewphew and drbo but they had another baby and took expection to it, complete disregard to the fact people are genuinely struggling, he told me I can always ask my dps for help with gas and electric. Completely utterly tone deaf. DH sisters were relieved from the pressure of having to get presents aswell.

Anyone who is reasonable and aware of the current economic status will be supportive and likely relieved.

guerrillagirl · 24/08/2022 14:06

Kids get way too much tat at Christmas anyway! I’d let them know with a short message - “we are on a tight budget this year so won’t be doing gift exchanges,” or similar… we have a big family and it’s so stressful finding, wrapping and sending gifts. Or could you bake them some cookies or a cake?

Flossflower · 24/08/2022 14:08

I think you will find that many friends and family will be pleased not having to buy presents. I have always hated buying presents. The only people I buy for are my kids and grandkids. Nobody buys for me, not even my husband, and I really like it that way.

CantGetDecentNickname · 24/08/2022 14:09

It's polite to be honest with people and unless your DH is going to magic up some money then it really is rude to accept gifts and not reciprocate.

Over the years my family have reduced gift giving to one small token gift between close family only. Cards and Christmas wishes to all cousins etc. and adults do presents for their DC only. Everyone was happy with this agreement. I'd always have an emergency small gift wrapped up in case someone unexpectedly calls and brings a gift though.

Below is the best suggested message so far and everyone will understand as everyone is going to have huge utility bills by the end of the year. You'll probably find that others in the family are secretly relieved that you said it first and will be only too happy to agree.

picklemewalnuts · Today 13:41
"Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers!"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/08/2022 14:09

It is definitely the best idea to tell them now. People do start making plans around this time ( something it took me Years to realise!)

Make your response REALLY clear, with no maybe promises. with a phrase in your message along the lines of
"We would be so grateful if you did not buy us or the children presents this year as regretfully we are not in a position to reciprocate. We hope you understand"

You could add something like, "We are spending Xmas day at home this year, but hope to meet up at some stage over the festive season" (depending on what you want to do of course)

I also don't think you should explain too much or they will start coming up with "solutions" -just be clear in your message. Also if you are meeting them, have your own Christmas exchange at home beforehand. And if you are attending somewhere else ask if they could open presents before you get there... which will allow everyone to do as they please, but avoid embarrassment.

MsChatterbox · 24/08/2022 14:10

I would (and have) simply say "we don't have the budget to buy outside of immediate family". That's not telling them not to buy if they want to but also letting them know you won't be returning and they can decide for themselves what to do with that information. I think saying you can't reciprocate can become confused with stating you still want a gift from them you just can't give it back.

Fink · 24/08/2022 14:13

YANBU, but I don't think I could help word a reply as it depends so much on the people involved. Our family all agreed to do Secret Santa one year instead of exchanging gifts, but 70% of the people didn't stick to it and bought for everyone anyway so it was worse than having done nothing.

Just beware with homemade gifts as the cost of craft material can really add up and they end up being more expensive than a shop bought gift.

AdoraBell · 24/08/2022 14:14

YANBU and if friends and relatives are judgemental, and DH refuses to cut back then he can do all of the present buying and organising for Christmas.

I would send the text you worded, it’s not rude at all.

abovedecknotbelow · 24/08/2022 14:17

I'm just remembering back to when I was on mat leave, at the tail end with no income, DH wasn't on a huge salary as he retrained late, we were just keeping our heads above water. Told Dsis I wanted to opt out and she hit the roof. We were a voucher family anyway so I would give her £50 for M&S she would give me £50 for JL. Pointless.

Funny how the wheels turned and they went on to have kids and couldn't afford it and she thought it was the best idea to ditch presents when we can afford to.

Presents shouldn't cause angst to anyone. Amongst my friends there are no presents, we have friends at every end of the income scale. We go for a day out / meal out / boozy picnic instead dependent on circumstance at the time for christmas and birthdays.