Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

I've done this and so has my family at various points.
We now only buy token gifts.
I think Christmas presents for anyone other than kids is bloody ridiculous anyway and wouldn't care if I ever got any again tbh.
Most people are skint. Just send a text as I bet you are not the only one.

It's not bloody rude to say you can't afford this, that is clearly said by a bloody person that has no idea about actual poverty!!!

Hi friend/family member
Just wanted to send you a text to let you know that with me being on may leave and all of the price increases, we won't be in a position to buy Christmas gifts this year. Of course we don't expect you to buy us gifts either. We look forward to a Christmas centred around celebrating the festivities this year and hope to share our time with you.

Sigh, I'm sure others feel the same as I do, I'd love little token gifts & a church service, Christmas dinner & a walk.. (no little ones, all grown up).
Buying for family outside our home isn't too bad, but my DD has ASD & it's the highlight of her year.. she saves her PIP & spends an absolute fortune, which I would feel bad if I didn't try to at least match.. it all gets too damn much.
Do let people know, OP, I'm sure others will be struggling too. It will probably make their Christmas, knowing they can afford a turkey & not turkey burgers with the money they save! :-)

Just tell them as honestly as you can.

And state you can’t afford to do anything except pay the bills until you can return to work in the spring(or whenever it is) and with the looming bills rises you don’t want to commit to anything that could put you in a bit precarious position and will stick to swapping cards. Handmade if you like.

About 20 years ago I sent messages to everyone I used to buy for saying I’m only buying for my DC and parents/PIL from now on. I had no funny comments, it caused no stress and I’ve never looked back.

Not rude at all. Just sensible l think. I’m sure lots of people are making cut backs at the moment. I have recently found out lm pregnant and will only be getting statutory pay. We will need to make lots of these kind of cut backs to make things work financially

If you can I would talk to people in person when you next see them. It’s less awkward than? I’m asking family for no gift exchanges please this year as we’re having a baby and won’t have spare money

Hey guys,
As I’m only on maternity pay this year, and with all the doom and gloom about energy price rises, I’m just giving you the heads up that we won’t be able to buy the presents for everyone that we normally do. Just letting you know early so that there is no danger of any you organised types, buying us anything. Hope you understand. Love x

It would not be rude at all to send a message. And I agree, easier than in person.
I would word it as « let’s not buy gifts this year, we’ll still bring you a little something homemade » which can be anything: biscuits, beads bracelet, tree ornament…
This way the message is not about « not making gifts » but more about affordability (and sustainability!)

I wouldn’t go for the homemade or secret Santa options. One text and it’s done, don’t mention it just being for this year either. Years ago I watched a Martin Lewis thing where he advised to stop all the for example £20 present swapping and he illustrated how much money could be saved.

I’d happily do this but only have one so feel I can’t be the one to suggest and can afford. Just feel they get so much!

Needs to be mentioned nothing for DC.

I would read that and think nothing for adults but DC ok.

We are doing this this year and drastically cutting down, however both DH and I have both spoken to those involved about it face to face.

If we are close enough to buy them a gift in the first place, then they are close enough to be told in person.

I'd never send a text.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. It's really straight forward. If the money isn't there and you need it for essentials don't go spending it on presents.

YANBU

I agree that if you say no gifts and then turn up with homemade gifts, it will muddy the waters. Plus, homemade gifts can actually work out expensive unless there is something you are good at doing and already have the supplies.

Also, if someone does give you a gift, just say something like "Wow, that's so kind of you. You really didn't have to do that, but thank you". Whatever you do, don't feel obliged to reciprocate.

I only do presents for my own kids and a small token gift each for my mum and dad plus something for me. I don't give stuff to nieces and nephews or friends and co-workers. I don't even give to my brother, but that's because he has no interest in Christmas or Christmas presents. It's fine and we have a lovely Christmas without so much stress and expense.

Your dh is crazy. Absolutely mental that he would cut a necessary food budget to buy a bunch of kids presents. Most of those kids will have mountains of toys anyway.

You should send messages to people (I'd send them personally rather than a blanket message) and just say: I know it's August but I'm on mat leave and we will be unable to afford to buy presents for anyone this christmas. We don't therefore expect presents for us or our dc and hope you understand. I'd add the bit about the food bank to some people.

If I received that and had the money and inclination to buy you presents, I'd still do it. If I was a close relative, I'd hand over some cash as a present to help out. However, I have already chopped my present list right down. It's an expensive ball ache. Nobody needs the 3 for 2 shit at Boots. Nobody.

What is your DH suggesting you do if you don’t send the text? Surely this is going to be way more awkward in person at Christmas time? If a friend sent me a message saying money was super tight and could we forego presents this year I’d 100% understand. I don’t understand why somebody wouldn’t be understanding? Regarding family, why not speak to them in person? It’s likely they’ll still offer to buy the kids something which is fair enough, and maybe you could make a little craft present for them from the kids? Honestly genuinely is the best policy in this situation.

@TopGolfer Are you my SIL?

She pulled that trick the very first year our DS was born after our spending the last 20 years being given precise instructions as to what to buy her 3 kids, (even down to the page/item no in the argos catalogue)

You might not have had any funny comments to your face but I certainly said a few about "D" sil

As @Shoxfordian says. It’s polite, to the point. You can add that you don’t wish to receive gifts this year, if family wish a donation to local food bank bank or their favourite charity would be nice.

I’m doing the same this year —- small handmade stuff for close friends ( things I already had in the house) and don’t want to receive gifts, donation to charity if they really want to.

We have stopped exchanging gifts with family the last couple of years. I just sent a message to family saying shall we agree not to send presents this year. Due to financial constraints with the rise of bills etc we can’t afford to buy gifts this year. One of my brothers replied and said it was a relief not having to buy presents so you might not be the only one to not be able to afford them,

Of course it's not rude. If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

As PPs have said I expect they'll be relieved!

Please just send out a message - bite the bullet and don't put off any longer. There are some good ideas for wording upthread.

Don't suggest cheap gifts/secret santa/homemade- be very clear as PPs suggest. You can do crafts/hand prints on cards for grandparents. If folks don't understand, that's their problem - they are missing some empathy. Others can buy extra presents for their own kids with money not spent on yours - no one loses out (and you get some peace of mind).

Yes send it soon before presents are bought. I've got most of mine.

You might not have had any funny comments to your face but I certainly said a few about "D"
why would I have got funny comments? All the people I sent messages to had exactly the same age DC as myself, there was no unfairness. It meant we went from buying for 25 people to just 6 plus my DH and I buy for each other too.
All my other relatives copied the following year and we’ve all discussed how much easier Christmas is now and how we love our get togethers.

We are totally broke until I go back to work and are having to use a food bank come October when our money runs out
**
OP, food banks are not a resource that people should be planning in advance to use. 🤦