Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

Perf

Friends care about you.

Anyone who wants you to spend money you don't have or go into debt so they can have Christmas presents isn't your friend.

Ignore your husband; he's wrong. Let people know you won't be doing Christmas presents this year for anyone other than your own children, and that itself will be small, due to your current circumstances. Go low contact at a minimum with anyone who takes issue with your very sensible, responsible approach to your situation.

I would say

Dear everyone

As you know the cost of living crisis is putting additional pressures on everyone at the moment and we are certainly feeling the pinch with me being on maternity leave. As such, this year we are not going to be in a position to buy gifts this Christmas. We hope you understand this and reciprocate by not buying gifts for our family this year. Whilst we have always been so grateful for your lovely gifts in the past, this year it's just not an option for us so what we would REALLY love is to focus on the things that matter such as hopefully seeing you over the festive season and spending some time together.

Yanbu, this will be a tough year for many. You might be surprised that others will be feeling the same or quite relieved. There is no shame in saying you can't afford something, that's a fact of life. Just spend it all on your own dc and bite the bullet and send a message. Honestly, if people judge you on that then shame on them.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Absolutely tell them in which ever way you feel best that you won't be giving gifts this year. Becoming skint or stressed over presents is not what christmas should be about! Anyone who doesn't like or understand that isn't worth it and quite frankly should Sod off.

We have an agreement not to do gifts with some family members, just because it's just giving for the sake of receiving.

Small Christmases are in this year

I will use @girlmom21 message and add about cost of living crisis. Also have you done cards so far? Lots of my friends put last year about moving them electronically, I would still bear in mind that DC would do something at school/nursery.
Can you put it on FB for friends and send personal txts for grandparents?
Your DH is very wrong , people appreciate honesty and thoughtfulness, saying this early you show that you are caring and thoughtful, and you never know someone else might really appreciate it for financial reasons.

As a family, we've stopped doing gifts. We did this a few years ago. Instead, we prioritise spending time together. Would something like that work?

'I know it's early to be thinking about this, but I'm starting to see Christmas chocolate in the shops and it got me thinking. The cost of living is rising more quickly than I can remember and I don't know about you, but we are certainly noticing the difference. I think it would be good to change priorities this Christmas. How about instead of exchanging gifts, we get together and all being something to share - food, music, a board game - let's get rid of both the financial pressure (I'll be honest, we really don't have money to spare this year) and the mental load of choosing which gifts to buy, and instead use the time saved to just enjoy being in good company.'

I hope that this becomes a thing. I hate to think people are going to stress about it this year with what's to come.

Ive got 10 nephews and nieces. There were times when we didn't have a penny to spare! Nobody should be guilt tripped into buying gifts they cant afford.

Can you just not say, hey with the rising costs and being on maternity leave can we just do presents for kids this year. My DHs family who are far better off than us suggested this a few years back which we were grateful for as his family are big on adult presents. My family have never done adult presents except for special occasions. It works well, occasionally when we have the money we will buy adult or token presents, usually wine & Christmas themed biscuits etc… We know they all exchange gifts behind our backs but we are happy with that.

In my family we'd have no issue with this. We're all always making compromises here and there and it's nice to know others feel the same.

Just be open and honest.

Hi all. With me on maternity leave finances are tight currently, I’m afraid we’re not in a position to buy gifts this year. We’re giving the heads up as we wouldn’t feel comfortable receiving gifts when we aren’t able to reciprocate. Would love to see you all other the holidays though. Hope you’re all well!

Do it, so many people are in the same boat they are likely to be relieved!

If they have already bought presents, it´s possible they can still return it, or give them to other children on their birthdays, for example, or even their own children instead.
I think it´s fair to opt out of present exchanges if your finances don´t allow it. In fact, it´s silly to keep it just for appearance sake.

We did this as a family a few years ago and it was such a relief. We buy nieces and nephews birthdays but never Christmas. Grandparents gets Christmas gifts. I think you really just need to be honest and with costs rising so much I suspect it will be a relief to a lot of family members who are feeling the pinch too.

I would love it if someone sent me this!

It's not rude at all. It may take the pressure off them also.

My mum messaged me this morning saying please don't buy presents for your Dad and I this year, we would really just appreciate a card. I must admit I signed relief.

My siblings have also agreed to presents.

Totally agree we have 15 nieces and nephews. I would be horrified and upset if a family member was struggling to afford Christmas for there own kids and felt they had to buy for mine too.

Ive not read the whole thread but I did read your OP. No you're not being unreasonable. Tell them all money is tight and dont succumb to the pressure to buy at Christmas. Its just consumerism at its best. The kids dont even know who bought them what most of the time so they'll not miss your gifts I suspect. Look after yourself first.

I think a lot of posters are missing that the OP is flat broke and using food banks, so she doesn't have the ability to negotiate or do Secret Santa, so I think a text is fine.

"Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers"

I think this is fine but I might say environmental and economic climate as people will be less likely to argue with the environmental concern.

Nobody should EXPECT you to buy a gift at Christmas. Especially family who should understand your situation and be supportive.
Trouble is most people care too much about what other people think, thats probs why your other half is against it.

I think it's totally fine for all but the very closest relatives. Those I'd make something like peppermint creams for (literally) a couple of quid in December. But honestly this winter is going to be hard for a lot of folk, people will understand. Your priority is to keep food on the table and the lights on and if you need the food bank to do that then it would be madness to be buying for other people.

If I received this message I'd not only be sympathetic and understanding but also relieved I wouldn't have to spend all that extra money in return.

You're DH thinks it's rude but what does he suggest as an alternative??

I think some people would be relieved to receive a text like that

imagine if you got one how relieved you’d be as financial things are tight

Friends fine - I dont get friends that buy for each other past teenage years, once me and my friends had kids we all focus on our own priorities which often means we dont even get to see each other round xmas, sometimes not until months later so the whole exchanging gift was farsical very quickly.

Family rude - grandparents etc... arent giving your kids gifts because the expect it back. I buy for my siblings every year but they have never bought me gifts, they are more the kind of 'love language' that help out with tasks rather than buy gifts and I have zero expectation of stuff back - I still like to buy thing I know they'll like though.