Christmas issue already!!!

[Hymnulop]

Please tell me if AIBU and help me word this

I'm on mat leave and everything has gone up/going up so much that savings are dwindling. I want to write a message to friends and family who usually buy for our 3 kids to say we basically can't afford to exchange gifts this year (they all have kids too or grandparents etc that usually buy for our DC) at all and would like for you to not buy for our DC as we can't afford to reciprocate.

DH has said thats rude as fuck as we shouldn't send it (most of my family and his start buying early so I want to send this message soon- would feel to awkward for us and them to discuss this in person hence the idea of sending a message) and they can buy for our DC If they want - yes this is true but I think they need to know we can't afford to reciprocate this year as we always do.

AIBU and how would you word this?! Thanks

YABU - don't send the text just let people decide what they want to do and they won't mind if we don't reciprocate

YANBU and I'll help you word the message.

I did this a few years ago - in my case I was having Chemo, and did not have the energy to go shopping, and I was on sick pay.
Most of the recipients were teens or adults , so it was understood.

As others have said, many will be relieved, and it’s absolutely not rude.

As long as there isn't someone in the family who is childless and ends up with nothing from anyone then it's fine

If people are just sending gifts to DC, then none of the adults will get anything, I guess? If it's adults exchanging gifts, then all the adults will be in the same boat, kids or no kids?

The most important thing is that this does not cause you stress (your health) or money you cannot afford to spend (your life). Communicate the message in the best way you can manage, and if that is a text message so be it. You can never please everyone all the time, so there may be a family member who is put out not to get a gift etc, but they are not being realistic and its not your problem. Go forth and do what you have to do - most importantly Christmas is about time at home (hopefully) and enjoying being with your family x

There are lots of good reasons to cut down on gifts, including sustainability and running out of space for all the STUFF kids have. Christmas is a ridiculous consumerism fest.

My family do a draw and everyone buys for 1 person.

Home made chocolates etc can be good - show thought, don't clog house with stuff and much cheaper than buying.

That would be me, and single now too. I am mature enough not to give a shit about Christmas tat. I do not want any presents for Christmas, I am fine without them. That's why we are called Adults, not whingeing little kids.

I have reasonable health back after two years of hell, and that's the best present I have ever received.

"Hi Fred, we've decided with the current economic climate we won't be exchanging gifts this Christmas! We're mentioning it early in case you are early bird shoppers

I agree this is a good message. You could add something about maternity leave if you wanted to.

Anyone who gets offended isn't a friend and who cares what they think?

Also anyone who can't understand that some people aren't well off are very stupid.

If someone still buys you a present because they can afford to and want to, and don't care about reciprocation, that's fine.

I agree be careful with crafts or baking cakes, it's more expensive than buying mass produced things.

If your DH says its rude, how does he think you are going to afford to buy the expected gifts?

Well that's your opinion. I know others that are lovely perfectly mature adults and not 'whinging little kids' as you put it, that would be upset.

You don't speak for every single person.

+1 for Secret Santa.

If you were my friend, I'd rather you said something than have you worrying about it.

Well no as your DC get something and presumably the DC will get something for their parent (would be pdd if they didn't at least make something). The person on their own gets literally nothing.

I did this when I was on maternity leave.

"Hi everyone,

As I'm on maternity leave at the moment money is much tighter this year and we're not in a position to exchange gifts at Christmas. Please don't feel obliged to buy for the children as we can't return the favour x"

It was fine.

I think you can always say what you are going or not going to do. I don't think you can or should try to make others do something. I would always say conversation is better than messaging. In my life that looks like making the decision to stop buying nephews after they are 18. I didn't discuss this with my sister in love I just made the decision. She is of course welcome to do whatever she wants to do with my kids. I also get to decide what I am spending. It's a gift not a competition. A different option would be to do a secret Santa if your family set up is conducive to that with a financial limit.

It's entirely possible that others are in the same situation. They may be very grateful for someone to raise this! Just a simple "we'd rather you spent your money on fuel bills this year, as that's what we're going to do!"

If your DH thinks this is rude, does he have any actual ideas about where to find this extra money you don't have to buy presents you can't afford?

What is his solution?

Surely it would be ruder to just not buy presents for people who have bought presents for you.

Well no as your DC get something and presumably the DC will get something for their parent (would be pdd if they didn't at least make something). The person on their own gets literally nothing

So in the event of literally not one friend or family member buying you a small gift, offer to exchange homemade things?

Tbh, you sound as though you're getting ready to passively wait to be offended about this.

We did this years ago, Christmas is so much less stressful now and everyone was in agreement! Only buy for kids, parents and ex.
And the odd secret santa with friends chucked in.

Let them know now. Present buying is a faff even if you have the money. Your rich friends will be thrilled that there will be fewer presents to buy this year. Stopped in my family years ago, worked for everyone very well.

If you’re feeling awkward to mention money, could you make it an eco thing? You know, you’re thinking of the environment, not wanting to create waste, having a more minimal Christmas, so therefore let’s not do gifts?

YANBU. Children get an insane amount of presents at Christmas, it's overwhelming and a lot of it ends up in landfill anyway. I'd just say something like:

"Hello friends and family. Given the current cost of living crisis, we won't be buying Christmas presents this year. We just wanted to let you all know in case any of you are starting your Christmas shopping soon! We know gift giving isn't about reciprocation, but just didn't want anyone to feel short changed or shafted by our decision and break from tradition."

You could add: "If you still want to buy DC a present then that's entirely your choice but it's not expected at all, and we are not in a position to buy for anyone else, unfortunately." I just say this bc my auntie loves buying presents and even when told by relatives that they can't reciprocate, she doesn't care as she's quite wealthy and generous, and likes to spoil people at Christmas time. Still, people can make that decision for themselves without being told to do so. It's just important they know all the facts beforehand.

Any true friend/anyone who isn't an arsehole should be understanding of the current financial climate.

I would do 2 texts .
One to friends. "What with the cost of living increase this year, we have decided to only exchange family presents this year. I thought I would give you the heads up as I know some of you plan ahead and buy early.

To family.
We will all have limited resources this year so wanted to suggest the following.
Either we buy for our own and don't exchange gifts
Or we do a secret santa for the kids and then each child gets one present ?£30?.
Let's have your thoughts.

Really? Haven’t bought or had bought gifts from anyone for well over a decade and the sky hasn’t fallen in yet!

I would definitely just be honest. I don't think your kids should suffer though so, if after being honest, people still want to buy for them, I would let them.

Like this
Or say you're making handmade gifts with the kids.

Can’t you suggest a secret Santa for the kids, that way your only buying one gift and nothing for adults or suggest a day out in the summer instead of gifts