Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to move in with MIL!

260 replies

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 21:59

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 25/08/2022 17:48

It's HIS money? Is he usually an arsehole about money?

beallrightdahlin · 25/08/2022 17:58

You have a bigger problem than his mother if he dares speak to you like that

HannahSternDefoe · 25/08/2022 17:59

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/08/2022 08:17

If you haven't exchanged yet I would pull out of selling your current house unless you see signed paperwork for the new house AND somewhere for you to stay between. Tell him you will not under any circumstances be moving in with your MIL, he tries it and he will have divorce papers. You're married, that money is equally yours.

^ THIS WITH BELLS ON!

Longleggedgiraffe · 25/08/2022 18:08

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 24/08/2022 00:01

If you are in England then he must get the agreement of everyone over 18 to move out of the house. I would be talking to the solicitor or if you don't know that then the estate agent should know who the solicitor is. Refuse to move and say you need to exchange contracts on both houses at the same time. Unless you think he could be violent in which case go to a refuge.

I don’t think this is correct. It is the people who own the house who make the decisions, not everyone who is over 18.

Twowilldo50 · 25/08/2022 18:14

It’s not just your MIL that’s controlling. The comment about who owns the money is alarming. Why can’t you go on holiday with a friend and leave DH and MIL to do school and nursery?

angelfacecuti75 · 25/08/2022 18:20

Tell friends /family /stay at a hostel thats cheap find a clever solution there must be one...

llizzie · 25/08/2022 18:24

Do men actually still think that a SAHM doesn't work or contribute to the family? It is so sad to find that attitude still prevails in 21st century. What sort of husband is it that thinks that because he works for money he is superior to his wife who works for love and kindness? Some sorting out of budget is needed, but for the husband to claim that he only has the right to decide where they live is not only morally wrong, it is enough to wonder whether the marriage should continue: whether the OP should take the opportunity of the house being sold to discuss sharing the proceeds and separating.

It does not get better, once the rot sets in.

mummaxi · 25/08/2022 18:26

Is pulling out of the house purchase an option... his attitude stinks...

Lizzy53 · 25/08/2022 18:28

Only three weeks.can you staybin a caravan either on a site or a friends garden or path

Mumofthreeteenagers · 25/08/2022 18:33

Seriously - the "its my money" is a dealbreaker. He had no intention of finding anywhere. What a shit. If he knows you dont get on AND that comment - i would be offfffff! Far far away from him.

Mumontour85 · 25/08/2022 18:33

'His money, his decision' ???!

Wow... what a fucking delight he sounds.

Withdraw what you need from 'his' funds to survive 3 weeks and leave him with the kids at his mums house. You enjoy a nice Airbnb or a trip to see your mum.

He thinks you're free labour as a SAHM, see how he handles it.

If, as others have said, he hasn't actually bought another house yet, fucking leave him. What a schmuck.

Good luck!

Mumgonenuts2020 · 25/08/2022 18:39

What about having a chat with your in laws, before you move in.. perhaps have a plan in place and agree the routine for those three weeks, and factor in a back up plan if you need to extend your stay perhaps if organised you may find that you get on better over the time you are there.

llizzie · 25/08/2022 18:43

EllaB22 I agree. The problem is how to convey that to the OP and tell her that in Britain we have laws and her husband is breaking them. She needs an injection of confidence. It is not easy to be confident to start divorce proceedings, but she might be surprised at how much the law is on her side. It is a long time since I divorced my first husband. I never thought I would be able to manage on my own, but at least the house was in my name as well.

When I did find the courage, it was really better than I expected. I did not go to court for the divorce hearing, and the judge gave everything to me without even seeing me. I did appear for custody of my daughter and had no opposition. My daughter was still at school so needed a roof over her head. I did not expect to get the whole roof. When she left school I sold the house and bought another.

Fernticket · 25/08/2022 18:45

Mumontour85 · 25/08/2022 18:33

'His money, his decision' ???!

Wow... what a fucking delight he sounds.

Withdraw what you need from 'his' funds to survive 3 weeks and leave him with the kids at his mums house. You enjoy a nice Airbnb or a trip to see your mum.

He thinks you're free labour as a SAHM, see how he handles it.

If, as others have said, he hasn't actually bought another house yet, fucking leave him. What a schmuck.

Good luck!

Don't go away and leave your kids with the. They might see this as being a bad Mum and not let you have them back.
I really hope I am wrong here,but could your DH and MIL have done this deliberately to get you back under MILs thumb?

Runmybathforme · 25/08/2022 18:46

Your problem isn't Your MIL.

LovelyIssues · 25/08/2022 18:47

Personally i would suck it up for 3 week. I may be biased as I get on with my MIL though

LovelyIssues · 25/08/2022 18:49

"I wouldn't be allowed to leave the house " comment is ridiculous OP. You're an adult

LouBan · 25/08/2022 19:04

My in-laws stayed with us for a few weeks when they were moving house. They are not easy to live with and do take over but not in a helpful way. It did make it easier to have an end date to work towards and we just found lots of things to do out and about so we weren't in the house with them too often. Is this an option? Still opened a bottle of champagne when they left!

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 25/08/2022 19:09

The same happened to me while we were moving but it was longer. I get on well with my MIL but really feel for you as your post above says she is controlling.
I hope you manage to sort put another arrangement.

Crumpleton · 25/08/2022 19:13

keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I couldn't get past this.
Do DH's/DP's realise that if you went out to work FT how much the cost of child care, a cleaner, a gardener, paying delivery charges for shopping and anything else relevant to what a SAHP does would actually cost....
You've every right to have a choice, and in choosing a house you're going to live in.

Oh and throw in a chef, yes a chef cause bet your bottom dollar DH won't be cooking dinner after a day at work so why should you.

Just read what a PP wrote about being a carer for MIL...
Fortunately you've sold your house, take your share of the funds and run....

Maryminx · 25/08/2022 19:16

I feel for you.
divorce him, things will not get better.

HairyKitty · 25/08/2022 19:19

If you’re a sahm it’s definitely not his money, it’s family money, it’s only by you being the sahm that he has the ability to earn. I expect you’ve got more problems than whether or not to stay with mil. If he paid you the going rate for all the services you provide I expect you would have all the money and he would have none!

AmberMcAmber · 25/08/2022 19:25
  1. it’s not his money… by being a SAHM you are supporting his paid career by sacrificing your own.
  2. your feelings matter regardless of who is paying… if you don’t get on with MIL he should be adult enough to accommodate this as 3+ weeks does sound like hell (I also hate my MIL)
  3. assuming you really can’t get out of this… and this sounds hard but once you’ve done it, it gets easier…. Get out every day for as long as you can - go on walks, local baby groups, baby friendly cafes and nurse a coffee all morning, library etc if she says anything about you ‘serving’ her in payment for staying there… tell her to invoice her son as it’s “his” money - do not make yourself available to exploitation as you’ve done so well to get out from under her (she sounds very much similar to my MIL except there’s no cultural thing going on with mine, she’s just an utter C word)
  4. every chance you get, talk about the new house & how excited you are - if at any point someone says you’re challenging the hierarchy/being disrespectful turn it on it’s head and say that they gave it wrong… you are grateful they’ve raised “such a man who can provide all this for his family” - it’ll be hard for them to circle back from that

good luck xx I’m thinking of you! If I had space I’d host you and little but not hubby lol he made his bed!

rangagirl · 25/08/2022 19:46

I don’t mean for this to be offensive… but WHY do you have to stick around 24/7 for your kids?

Is your husband not capable of caring for them as a parent? Is your MIL not capable?

I’d seriously consider getting out of the house at least during the day. Make it VERY clear that you are an independent woman and whilst you are willing to pitch in on housework/cooking (whatever), you are not MIL’s slave and will not be treated as such.

Your husband can be her slave if that’s why he had you all move in with her - not your culture, not your problem.

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 25/08/2022 19:46

I was married for 25 years to a control freak. Took the plunge and got a divorce. I remember one instance when my daughter said "mummy bought me this" and he said "mummy got it, but I paid for it". I was a full time mum and he didn't want me to work anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread