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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to move in with MIL!

260 replies

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 21:59

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

OP posts:
BloodyCamping · 23/08/2022 22:49

Is it worth approaching your local mosque, womens support groups or church and asking if there’s anyone who can help you in avoiding abusive living conditions? I’d be tempted to take the kids out of school and go stay with relatives or friends. Could explain to the school that you’re temporarily homeless in order to avoid an abusive housing situation

Chasingclouds100 · 23/08/2022 22:51

Please dont move in with the in-laws! We did for nearly a year whilst having work on the house done and it was absolutely awful, worse than I thought it would be. We are now NC because of MIL behaviour during this time

Isaidnoalready · 23/08/2022 22:53

Is there a new home to move into or is he just keeping "his" money

Lavendersummer · 23/08/2022 22:54

It’s a joint decision. I am SAHM with teens. Big money decisions are joint decisions. I’d go on holiday for some of it.
Can you visit family? Even if out of the Uk Much less costly that way.

tonicwaters · 23/08/2022 23:05

I don't know about buying and selling these days, but surely "exchange" is just both parties signing the contract. I would have thought that a "closing" or moving date would be separately agreed by all parties so why can you not stay in your house until the new one is ready to move in to?

My apologies for maybe missing something obvious, but a chain is a chain or is it only for some?

Brigante9 · 23/08/2022 23:06

Have you bought a new house? Are you up to date with the progress of when you can move in? Are your family near? Can you stay with them instead?

Brigante9 · 23/08/2022 23:07

For 3 weeks, I would move to wherever your mum is.

awwbiscuits · 23/08/2022 23:07

Sorry, he said what about money?!?

Doyathinkhesaurus · 23/08/2022 23:16

Three weeks in a Premier Inn? Holiday Inn Express? B&B? I'd take that over abusive MIL.
However - you have to confront DH and make sure he understands why you need this. You should be named on the new house deeds. You are not some slave daughter to his mother whatever cultural background he is from. You have rights and responsibilities in your family, as does he. Put your boundaries in place and hold the line!
Make sure you have financial independence at all times and an escape fund. Your parents could maybe help with that.

Mossstitch · 23/08/2022 23:23

I would make absolutely certain there is another house before I left your old one. Have you signed anything at solicitors or just your husband? Your married it is your money and house as well as his! As he will find out if you divorce him😡

SarahProblem · 23/08/2022 23:27

LTB.

You know full well he didn't "do nothing" he planned all along for you to go back with MIL for a bit, probably in cahoots with her. Get out OP!

Mossstitch · 23/08/2022 23:28

@ChangeNane1 just re read your op and you haven't exchanged yet which is good, do not sign until you are certain there is another house and you do not have to move out when you exchange, only when you complete and that date can be negotiated to suit your dates for moving into your new house. That is the normal way things are done........ which makes me very suspicious that you are being conned by your husband🤔

Talia99 · 23/08/2022 23:29

Exchange is just when the contract becomes binding. It’s the completion date that’s relevant. The last time I sold I had 3 weeks between exchange and completion (someone in the chain had to give notice on a rented place). I moved out on the day of completion. The house was still mine until that date and I stayed living there.

If you’ve got nowhere to go for 3 weeks, you need to move the completion date so you don’t move out until you can get your new place. The date is moveable right up to exchange.

As has been said, I hope you are on the title of the new place. Also, are you 100% sure your husband intends the onward purchase to go through? Is it possible he is going to get you under his mother’s roof and then the purchase will ‘fall through’ so you have to stay with MIL?

I find the ‘my money, my decision’ attitude to be worrying.

Talia99 · 23/08/2022 23:35

Mossstitch · 23/08/2022 23:28

@ChangeNane1 just re read your op and you haven't exchanged yet which is good, do not sign until you are certain there is another house and you do not have to move out when you exchange, only when you complete and that date can be negotiated to suit your dates for moving into your new house. That is the normal way things are done........ which makes me very suspicious that you are being conned by your husband🤔

I completely agree - if you are on the title of the current house, you may want to tell the solicitor you are no longer consenting to the sale until this is sorted out.

NoMoneyHun · 23/08/2022 23:38

This is giving me an awful sinking feeling for you OP. I really hope you manage to stay in your current home then locate straight to your new home as other posters have suggested. I'd be having a conversation about money with you "D"H too!
Living with my MIL is literally my worst nightmare...

StoneofDestiny · 23/08/2022 23:39

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

Your problem is your husband, not the MIL! Though from the description of her it's clear the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

GG1986 · 23/08/2022 23:39

He sounds like a controlling twat to be honest!

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 23:48

Can you and your children move in with your mum for a bit? That might make him pull his finger out and sort proper accommodation.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 23/08/2022 23:48

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision

WTAF??

She never wanted us to move out in first place as according to her culture the son stays with parents and the wife is a servant to MIL, obeying every command and spending all day cleaning n cooking. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if I stayed with them. It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again. We were “allowed” to move out in the beginning as I was ready to get divorced. This was pre-kids and now she knows I’m stuck so if I get back there it will be hell

double WTAF??

there's not a chance I'd step foot back in that house!! No way.

where does your mum live?

you say you could ask any friends etc.

I'll tell you, if I knew you, you & the kids could come and stay, himself could go & stay with his mummy!!

can you use this as an opportunity to leave him?

you can't spend your life existing like this.

shelter/woman'sAid/council....

you deserve better than this! X

OlderParents · 23/08/2022 23:54

So let me get this right;

his money his decision
you as childbearer and rearer have no value
His mother has been abusive to you before, he knows this and he is setting this up to happen again

The apple didn't fall far from the tree did it?

Dinoteeth · 23/08/2022 23:54

Op I don't know about England but regardless if you are on the deeds or not in Scotland he needs your permission to sell your house.
I'd declare my undying love for your existing house and location and refuse to sign. If you move in with MIL you'll never move out again.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/08/2022 00:01

Are you actually buying a new house? If you were moving in about a month, there would have been papers to sign by now, have you (personally) done this?

This new house isn't going to mysteriously 'fall through' when you're established at MILs is it?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 24/08/2022 00:01

If you are in England then he must get the agreement of everyone over 18 to move out of the house. I would be talking to the solicitor or if you don't know that then the estate agent should know who the solicitor is. Refuse to move and say you need to exchange contracts on both houses at the same time. Unless you think he could be violent in which case go to a refuge.

Spohn · 24/08/2022 00:05

As always, the issue is not with your blokes relatives, but him financially abusing you. Divorce the male and he can parent 50/50, or pay you to raise his kids for him. Never be unemployed to facilitate some shitty guy. He can fund childcare while you get employment and earn your own pension.

LadyMaid · 24/08/2022 00:09

Is this a desi household by any chance?

You have more power than you think.

I agree with other posters in that you should clarify certain points before moving out of your home.

If you do end up at with your mother inlaw then remain firm but courteous with with her at all times regarding your time.
Under no circumstances should you be waiting on them because they expect you to.
Make it clear that you are happy to HELP with things in the house.

You need to also chat with your husband because if he feels like it's his money then he needs to make back payments for your services that he has been getting for free.

Invoice your husband for childcare, with a 50% discount as its your child too.

Also invoice him for the cooking and cleaning that you have been doing.

Don't forget to invoice him for the sexual services, adding a surcharge for each disappointment.