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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to move in with MIL!

260 replies

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 21:59

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

OP posts:
IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 25/08/2022 23:02

Don’t do it. I know you’ve got a home to move in to so it’s different but I’ve been with my MiL now for 4 years. It’s been hell, currently stuck because of the economic climate. Renting would drain our deposit. Mentally it’s screwed me over.

Have a word with your other half RE the money comments, that’s not on.

boqq · 25/08/2022 23:09

Don’t go, not even for one night… there is no justification for slavery…

ECN73 · 26/08/2022 00:56

It breaks my heart that in the 21st century women are still being treated like this by their partners. Unbelievable.

Islandgirl68 · 26/08/2022 05:59

Well in our house it is family money. We are a partnership and a family unit, there is no his and hers and if we were to divorce all assets would be split 50/50, even if I spent some of that time as a SAHM. No way would I put up with I earned it so its mine.

GettingStuffed · 26/08/2022 08:18

Bill him for the time you "don't work" so fees for being a nanny, a chef, a cleaner etc then ask why it's his money

angela99999 · 26/08/2022 08:36

I would say just suck it up for three weeks, it isn't that long.

But it is worrying that you haven't exchanged yet, even after that you can have quite a few weeks to the completion date. He should have tied in the completion date on your old house with that on the new one, that's the normal way to do it.
I have to confess that in your position I'd be worried that MIL hoped to keep you living with her.

Isn't there anybody else you could stay with?
So sorry that you've been put in this position, he's obviously not an easy man.

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 08:40

You might be better off staying at a premier inn or travel lodge. These can be expensive but back before I was I’ll and used to go to occasional karate tournaments, we used to stay at a slightly grotty but ve clean 1970s premier inn on the edge of Cardiff. You could get big family rooms which our group members with kids used. Might work out less expensive than air bnb.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 26/08/2022 09:38

Longleggedgiraffe · 25/08/2022 18:08

I don’t think this is correct. It is the people who own the house who make the decisions, not everyone who is over 18.

Show quote history

My DH bought his first house when we were 18 and 20, the house wasn't in my name at all and I had to sign an agreement to say I wouldn't squat if/when he came to move out. When we sold it I'm pretty certain I had to sign something to say I would move out as agreed, that was only 6 years ago.

Interestinghmm · 26/08/2022 10:06

OP I think he's lying to you about the house purchase. Please keep yourself safe.

LoisLane66 · 26/08/2022 10:11

@ECN73
Individuals can only get away with doing what others allow them to do.
The OP knew his inclinations from the start as I gather she would have been au fâit with and accepting of the customs of his upbringing.
To rail against it now is somewhat futile as those traits are usually embedded from an early age and practised by her MiL. Either stay and put up, or leave.

Pinkfilofax · 26/08/2022 10:53

You should contact women's aid. Even if your husband isn't setting you up to live with your mother in law, you can't actually trust that he isn't, which is just as bad. You need to get out of that relationship and I think you need professional help if you do not have any close family to help. Good luck.

Circular · 26/08/2022 11:23

You should not be agreeing to the sale without having security of the new house to move into - so ideally having at least exchanged on the new purchase (presuming there is one) even if there is something delaying completion and they can’t both be on same day.

Is the current house in joint names?
If not you should be speaking to a solicitor ASAP to register your interest to occupy under matrimonial rights. That will protect you from him selling the house from under you.

ProseccoOnSafari · 26/08/2022 11:23

For the sake of your sanity and wellbeing of your kids, I would look for a decently priced airbnb and move in with the kids for those 3 weeks. Demand that your husband gives you the money to pay for it. Your mental health is extremely important.
Then immediately start looking for a job! There’s nothing worse than being in a financially abusive relationship - the longer you stay dependent on your husband, the more difficult it will be to get out. Good luck!

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 12:35

You can expect non family to have four people to stay for several weeks, but you could ASK friends. Maybe do 4 or 5 days with several different friends.

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 12:36

Your house should be in joint names. Who earns income isn’t that relevant,you both put into the home.

Kazibar · 26/08/2022 17:18

If you don’t want to move in there, don’t.

Livelaughlove786 · 26/08/2022 17:26

Oh dear
Doesn't sound ideal
All I can say is find ways to break up your day
Take nothing your MIL says to heart...treat it like a prison sentence, it'll be over soon
What goes in 1 ear goes out the other
Break up your day,take the kids out everyday, avoid back to back 24hrs with MIL
Good luck xxx

BR1967 · 26/08/2022 19:45

Call a friend for guest room privileges and promise a return favor or offer cooking cleaning babysitting service for time there. Let HIM go to Mama all by himself!

1HappyTraveller · 28/08/2022 00:06

“DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.”

DH is a twat.

Your body has both grown and nurtured your children whilst he has been afforded the luxury of work. It’s not his decision, it’s a family decision. I’d be 100% reassessing the relationship if this is his attitude to finances. He sounds like a control freak. 🚩

MamskiBell · 28/08/2022 00:07

What's NC? Racking my brains trying to think of what it means!

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 28/08/2022 00:11

MamskiBell · 28/08/2022 00:07

What's NC? Racking my brains trying to think of what it means!

@MamskiBell No Contact

Weenurse · 28/08/2022 00:37

Hire a caravan, or campervan and stay in a park. A bit of a holiday instead of staying wi5h MIL

amitoooldforthisshit · 28/08/2022 02:12

take yourself off to a caravan park

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/08/2022 02:31

35965a · 23/08/2022 22:06

I’d be reassessing the relationship for the “it’s my money” comment.

Sounds like a trivial comment but 100 times this ^

Stop being a SAHM for your sake and that if your kids, this man doesn’t have your back.

PinkyFlamingo · 28/08/2022 03:23

It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again

You are in a worse position as its your DHs control of your thats the problem.

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