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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to move in with MIL!

260 replies

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 21:59

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 24/08/2022 10:11

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 10:03

I just don’t get posts like this. There is no legal basis for this at all. It is not family money, it’s his money, it’s his choice how to spend it, even on divorce there would just be child maintenance. Family money is a myth made up by non earning folks who want their spouses money. It is their choice on whether to pay for you or not. Pretending they can take a stance and it’s some mythical thing called family money is a joke. It’s not. If she wants money and he doesn’t wish to give her it then she needs to get a job. As unpalatable as it is, that’s it.

Show quote history

Actually on divorce she would get half the joint assets, including savings and equity out the house.

Don't think because she is a SAHP she has no rights.

As I said earlier in Scotland she would need to give her permission for the house to be sold regardless if she is on the deeds or not.
Hopefully England is more civilised than to allow an Englishman to sell the marital home without his Wives permission and knowledge?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2022 10:13

Do you mean completion date is in 10 days? From the language you’re using is the house seems in his name only?

Rosehugger · 24/08/2022 10:14

It's only three weeks and would save you so much money.

And yes, it is family money as OP is looking after their kids so her DH can go to work without having to pay for or think about childcare.

elliejjtiny · 24/08/2022 10:16

No advice but I have to move in with my inlaws next week while we get our house renovated. For 4 months! So you have my sympathies.

Dancingwithhyenas · 24/08/2022 10:17

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 10:03

I just don’t get posts like this. There is no legal basis for this at all. It is not family money, it’s his money, it’s his choice how to spend it, even on divorce there would just be child maintenance. Family money is a myth made up by non earning folks who want their spouses money. It is their choice on whether to pay for you or not. Pretending they can take a stance and it’s some mythical thing called family money is a joke. It’s not. If she wants money and he doesn’t wish to give her it then she needs to get a job. As unpalatable as it is, that’s it.

Show quote history

Generally Upton’s dissolution of a marriage with children, the assets are split fairly evenly. So whilst he can be abusive and controlling of money during the marriage, if she ends it, she would get a likely even share. In that sense, it is family money (even if she has to divorce him to get access to it! Note: she absolutely shouldn’t have to. He should want to make decisions about money WITH his wife!)

billy1966 · 24/08/2022 10:18

I think you should be contacting Women's aid and ask them to direct you to the best cultural supports?

He is an arsehole and you are very vulnerable.

Refuse to move in with this woman.

Go to your local police station and ask for help.

There is every chance you are being manipulated.

You need to ask for legal aid as you are being financially abused.

He could bank the house sale and use you to care for his mother as house skivvy.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 24/08/2022 10:21

I would be booking an air BnB. Or telling him if he doesn't sort something you will file for divorce.

HotWashCycle · 24/08/2022 10:25

Of course you are allowed to leave the house. You are an adult and can do what you want. Could you stay in a Travelodge or Premier Inn for the three weeks, OP? Use credit card if necessary. You could still take your DC to school. And it would speed up the process of your moving in to your new house, as your DH seems to lack motivation to get on with it.
I hope you don't stay with in laws because if you do, the 3 weeks is likely to go for ever, and you will be back where you started having to get away from them again.
Your DH's attitude to money is despicable - you are a SAHM and not earning because you are bring up HIS kids. How incredibly unreasonable is he? You are team. He has no right to assert that all decisions are his because he is the only earner. Hope this goes well for you OP. Stay strong.

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 10:25

Dinoteeth · 24/08/2022 10:11

Actually on divorce she would get half the joint assets, including savings and equity out the house.

Don't think because she is a SAHP she has no rights.

As I said earlier in Scotland she would need to give her permission for the house to be sold regardless if she is on the deeds or not.
Hopefully England is more civilised than to allow an Englishman to sell the marital home without his Wives permission and knowledge?

Show quote history

Sure but we are not talking about joint assets, we are talking about his wage being defined as family money. I think you’re confused

Ihaveanoldiphone · 24/08/2022 10:29

OP I have read that you mention your mum seems to be suspicious of him re house, could you move in with her? I hope you’re not under any family/social pressure to conform to remaining in this set up just because you have kids. You came close to divorce once, don’t let having kids stop you. Especially if you find he’s trying to con you. Like I mentioned there are many organisations who can help, I know lots of women from the community having to put up with this treatment due to a combination of family pressure/social conditioning. It doesn’t have to be this way. Please get help

RedToothBrush · 24/08/2022 10:29

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 22:21

issue is MIL is very controlling. She’s not being nice in “letting” us stay there. She never wanted us to move out in first place as according to her culture the son stays with parents and the wife is a servant to MIL, obeying every command and spending all day cleaning n cooking. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if I stayed with them. It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again. We were “allowed” to move out in the beginning as I was ready to get divorced. This was pre-kids and now she knows I’m stuck so if I get back there it will be hell

You seriously are blaming your MIL for controlling behaviour?!

Is your DH innocent in this department?! Really?!

He probably wants to move home precisely to put you in your place. He holds the same views. Wake up.

Your MIL isn't the problem. Its your marriage.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 10:31

"DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision"

F that. You're a family unit. And he failed to let you know he hadn't sorted anything out.

I think MIL is the least of your problems. You have a major DH problem!

RedToothBrush · 24/08/2022 10:32

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 22:26

@GinIronic that’s exactly what my own mum said!

I don’t have family here unfortunately and I can’t ask others to expect others to let us stay.

So you don't even know if you have DEFINITELY got a house to move into and certainly don't trust him?!

Wow. Your relationship is completely fucked.

Hesleepswiththefishes · 24/08/2022 10:32

What a horrible way to speak to you, you’re a partnership

DarkDayforMN · 24/08/2022 10:38

You absolutely should NOT move in with MIL and husband. Under no circumstances.

Have you seen all the legal documentation re the new house? I'm getting the impression that you haven't! That's really scary.

Have you got a joint bank account and access to it? Get your hands on as much money as you can as soon as possible, you are probably going to need a solicitor. Take the kids and go to your mother's house if you can, or contact Women's Aid and explain that you are being expected to go back to an an abusive situation, or both.

Get money (and passports etc), get away and then get advice.

Dragmedown · 24/08/2022 10:42

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

Nevermind your MIL, this ^^ is your biggest problem.

However, you’ve asked for advice on the move, so I’m with the posters who say ‘suck it up’. I would save the money and make plans to spend time out of the house/with friends etc. Is there family or anyone else you could stay for a night with at the weekends to break it up? Moving is so expensive, the cost of living is rising etc etc…throwing money at a hotel when you can stay somewhere for free is madness.

RayneDance · 24/08/2022 10:44

Wow it's his money so he gets to call all the shots with no care to how you feel?

Are you on the mortgage/deeds of a new house?.

Did you work before?

I wouldn't allow it on principal..

RayneDance · 24/08/2022 10:45

I would also be announcing going back to work

Dragmedown · 24/08/2022 10:48

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 22:21

issue is MIL is very controlling. She’s not being nice in “letting” us stay there. She never wanted us to move out in first place as according to her culture the son stays with parents and the wife is a servant to MIL, obeying every command and spending all day cleaning n cooking. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if I stayed with them. It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again. We were “allowed” to move out in the beginning as I was ready to get divorced. This was pre-kids and now she knows I’m stuck so if I get back there it will be hell

But you will be allowed to leave as presumably you’ll be out doing school runs etc? Leave in the morning and then have plans. Go shopping, see friends….what do you normally do? Gym, classes…anything else you do outside the home?

Tbh having read your update I just can’t understand why you left it to your husband to sort and only at the last minute are panicking that he did nothing about alternative accommodation. Surely staying with MIL was always a high possibility? You have been a bit foolish in leaving this to him given the track record.

Baoing · 24/08/2022 10:48

She never wanted us to move out in first place as according to her culture the son stays with parents and the wife is a servant to MIL, obeying every command and spending all day cleaning n cooking. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if I stayed with them. It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again

Why tf are posters recommending that the OP 'sucks it up'?

Would YOU live like this? ^^ The OP has said that she's prevented from leaving the house and is treated like a servant. Why is anyone suggesting that she returns?

OP, forget the house for now. You need to follow the advice of DarkDay and others on this thread. Please - you have the chance of a better life for you and your DC. It's so hard, but please try to steel yourself. Good luck.

Mariposista · 24/08/2022 10:48

RayneDance · 24/08/2022 10:45

I would also be announcing going back to work

Absolutely this. Get some financial independence and security!

KettrickenSmiled · 24/08/2022 11:24

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

A few weeks with your MiL is the very least of your problems.
Suck it up, & start planning your route back into full time work, because with a stinking attitude like that from your husband I doubt your marriage is going to last.

Don't allow yourself to sleepwalk into financial abuse.
Leaving all the big decisions & money choices up to your H while allowing him to imagine that only he counts because it's "his money" while you act as unpaid nursemaid & housekeeper is a recipe for disaster.

You need to wake up & start taking responsibility for yourself.
For example - how did you allow yourself to drift into not knowing where or how to house your DC when you knew your house was sold?

He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed.
Frankly, after the 'it's my money' comment, I'd be wary of signing up to a mortgage with your H. I'd be using the short time you have now to assess how much money & assets are held within the marriage, & talk to a solicitor about what proportion of that asset I could take with me if I divorced.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/08/2022 11:27

issue is MIL is very controlling.
Hmmm. So is your husband from t he tiny snapshot you've shown.

She’s not being nice in “letting” us stay there. She never wanted us to move out in first place as according to her culture the son stays with parents and the wife is a servant to MIL, obeying every command and spending all day cleaning n cooking. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if I stayed with them. It’s taken me years to get out from under her control and I don’t want to get back there again.
Again - HOW did you allow yourself to be so passive that you are now at risk of being back in her clutches?

We were “allowed” to move out in the beginning as I was ready to get divorced. This was pre-kids and now she knows I’m stuck so if I get back there it will be hell
Call Womens Aid.
Get a solicitor.
Get back to work.
Get away from your arse of a husband.
You know how he was raised. Why do you think he will be inclined to treat you any better than his mother does?

Baoing · 24/08/2022 11:30

A few weeks with your MiL is the very least of your problems. Suck it up

Why do people keep saying this? The OP has said that she's prevented from leaving the house and is treated like a servant. She describes how it took years to extract herself before from MiL's control. It's an abusive, controlling situation, and possibly the H is part of it.

Wtaf?

C8H10N4O2 · 24/08/2022 11:38

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 10:03

I just don’t get posts like this. There is no legal basis for this at all. It is not family money, it’s his money, it’s his choice how to spend it, even on divorce there would just be child maintenance. Family money is a myth made up by non earning folks who want their spouses money. It is their choice on whether to pay for you or not. Pretending they can take a stance and it’s some mythical thing called family money is a joke. It’s not. If she wants money and he doesn’t wish to give her it then she needs to get a job. As unpalatable as it is, that’s it.

Show quote history

Nope, marriage (in England, Wales and I think Scotland) is a contract wherein income and worldly goods are shared as a unit, traditionally on the assumption of raising a family.

Much as if you entered into any business contract on a 50/50 basis. The financial benefits of the arrangement do not all accrue to one partner.