Don’t want to move in with MIL!

[ChangeNane1]

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

If OP had stated this upfront in her OP instead of dripfeeding it later, PP would have picked up on it.

And of course the H is part of the control & abuse.
He allowed his mother to keep OP locked up for ... however long it was before she managed to escape to their own home by threatening divorce.

This marriage is not going to improve.
I would not be surprised if other family members are going to be named on the deeds, but not OP. She is seen as a chattel. It's time for her to escape for good this time.

@Floweryflora

I just don’t get posts like this. There is no legal basis for this at all. It is not family money, it’s his money, it’s his choice how to spend it, even on divorce there would just be child maintenance. Family money is a myth made up by non earning folks who want their spouses money. It is their choice on whether to pay for you or not. Pretending they can take a stance and it’s some mythical thing called family money is a joke. It’s not. If she wants money and he doesn’t wish to give her it then she needs to get a job. As unpalatable as it is, that’s it.

No, on divorce the judge assesses the asset pot and divides it based on a number of factors (earnings, children, etc)

The fact that you don't know that basic detail makes the rest of your post unreadable.

If it's "his money" perhaps it's time to start charging him for childcare. You can use that money to rent a hotel room or stay in an air bnb

Exchange is the binding contract to sell and buy.
Completion can be the same day, the next week or 3 weeks later or whenever — it’s mutually agreed.

1. Are you on the house deeds/ mortgage of the house you’re selling? If so you can either delay exchange, or agree a completion date that suits you. You DON’T vacate a property at exchange.


2. Are you on deeds/ mortgage of new property? Are you 100% sure there is a new property?


3. Your MIL, DH or anyone else cannot refuse to allow you to leave— that is imprisonment. If this happens you call the police.

id suggest you speak to Women’s Aid about taking your children to a refuge. Divorce your husband.

@ChangeNane1
If you have not exchanged on the sale of your current house, and if your name is on the deeds, then I think you should contact the solicitor representing you in the sale and tell them that you withdraw your permission to sell your current house. Follow that up in writing, especially if the solicitor was chosen by your husband.

If your name is on the deeds, then you have negotiating leverage that goes away the day the exchange to sell your house is sold.

It sounds as though your husband and his MIL want to use you and this leverage may help you to prevent that, or to escape it in case leaving the relationship is the only way not to be treated like a slave.

This is completely misrepresenting it. In the whole of the uk you are not legally entitled to your spouses wage. It is not yours. There is no point folks pretending they are, they are not. It is not anyones money other than the person who earned it,,

I’d also add the people writing this erroneous stuff are not helping the op at all.

Well, IN marriage I'm not sure of the LEGAL issues but certainly, if he has 3 dependents, he is morally and ethically obliged to support them. And I think most people would agree that if she's not working and doing childcare then she is WORKING and does deserve compensation in some way - albeit that is unlikely to be in the form of a salary (on threads like these though, I often think it SHOULD be in the form of salary - the work might be better appreciated then).

And certainly, on divorce, she absolutely WOULD be entitled to a share of his assets and/or income.

On divorce assets are split, the point of the marriage contract is that goods and work are shared.

You may want men to keep all the benefits of their spouse's labour and childcare but the courts and the law don't (entirely) agree with you.

If you don't want to pool your assets when you raise a family - don't get married. A choice made by many men who use exactly that lack of a contract to benefit from women's labour and then fuck off.

You may want men to keep all the benefits of their spouse's labour and childcare but the courts and the law don't (entirely) agree with you.

I certainly don’t want that. But I can’t change the law. Assets are shared. Earnings are not classed like this. They simoly are not. As individuals we are entitled to any money we earn or that’s held in our names. We are not legally entitled to our spouses wage. Savings are considered an asset, income and future income is not.

how can people have such limited understanding. If you were legally entitled to your spouses wage everyone would have joint accounts etc. it would be easy to access it. The whole reason women end up like the op is they don’t know their rights and listen to shite being posted on the internet.

there js no such concept or legal right to classing your spouses salary as yours. Irrelevant of gender. Men who don’t work are not legally entitled to their wife’s wage and vice versa.

''DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.''
Try to get that in a text or email from him, its evidence of him being financially controlling.

You move out on completion, not exchange. When are the two completion dates?

I suspect OP isn't on the title as a joint proprietor otherwise shed know a bit more about the situation and would have signed the contract and transfer. It's good practice to get an over 18 occupiers
to sign to say they have no occupational rights. I wonder if OP was asked to do that?

You waited until ten days before completion to ask where you were moving to? Where is all your furniture going?

Don't move in with MIL. He's trying to move you back into dutiful DIL and DW role. You escaped. Don't go back. If your DCs will be back at school, AirBnBs shouldn't be as expensive. The prices are higher in the holidays. Find an AirBnB that will negotiate on the price since it's a longer let.

But I'm struggling with what you thought was going to happen - if you think AirBnBs are too expensive and you can't get a private let for three weeks, where did you think you were going to live? It feels as though you've sleepwalked into this. Are you always passive in the relationship?

Not a UK person here. So if wages are not legally shared, and a husband refuses either to share his wages or participate in childcare for his children, and one or more of their children are too young to be entitled to government-funded childcare, then how does a mother support herself? Abandon her children in the street so she can work for wages to support herself? Marriage in the UK essentially provides zero protection for mothers and very, very little legal obligation for fathers to support their own children? I'm very confused.

@AlexandriasWindmill I think you are being a bit harsh, she's been asking him, who's not been telling her.
She's probably never bought and sold in England either.

Yep!

This is the biggest red flag for me.

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

Id be going back to work outside the home and letting husband pay the childcare costs.....

fuck that

@aloris the expectation is he should be supporting her, the Child Benefits should be getting paid to her directly.
If he isn't supporting her then it's really abuse and she should leave, then she becomes single and the state will help her support herself and encourage her to seek work.
The state will not support her to stay in an abusive relationship.

Ok, I see what you mean, but it seems to me that if she has no legal right to demand he share the family income equally, then her legal vulnerability, created by the lack of legal protections for women in marriage, sets up the conditions for abuse. Also, I read lots of threads on here about women who have left marriages where the husband refused to share his salary or to help with childcare (financially or physically) and the government financial supports for women who leave abuse are minimal, the legal requirements for child maintenance are minimal, and the woman and children are living in poverty while the ex-husband is having a great life and barely supporting his own children. So even if a woman DOES leave the marriage, the government is allowing the man to get away with financial abuse and financial neglect of his own children.

I'm just finding it confusing.

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

WTAF, I'd be moving into my own mothers without him, I couldn't live with someone and not be a team with equal rights when it comes to big decisions. He knows you don't get along with your mum but wants you to do this anyway, so he's shown you what he thinks of you xx

@aloris what legal protection does a woman have in your country to prevent financial abuse?

This.
Leave the bastard. It's not his money, it's family money and you being a SAHM does not mean you get less say if the marriage is between two loving and ethical individuals.
How is the property you are selling held? Is it joint tenants or tenants in common? You may be able to quite easily take your half of the equity and het yourself somewhere to rent well sway from this sexist arsehole.

Holiday let.

Tell him it’s family money not his money and if he disagrees he can move back with his mum and stay there.

None of this is adding up @ChangeNane1

Are you sure you’re being given the correct info. from your ‘D’H?

Exchange of contracts is the agreement to sell/buy the house and you don’t normally move out until you ‘complete’ on the house purchase.

Are you a joint owner or is everything in your husband’s name? Being a SAHP doesn’t preclude you from being a joint owner.

You really need to get some proper financial advice here because if you’re living in England, you do have rights assuming that your marriage is legal under English law. Start by visiting your local Citizens Advice and find out where you stand.

Do not agree to moving in with your MIL. Assuming it’s a genuine sale and purchase of another property, there’s absolutely no need to move in with her at all.