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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don’t want to move in with MIL!

260 replies

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 21:59

hi all I need so ideas on what to do -

situation is we’ve sold our home and are exchanging in 10 days. We will have 3 weeks exactly from date of exchange to moving into our new home.

I stupidly left it to husband to deal with and he kept assuring me it’s all being dealt with but now I find out he hasn’t found anything! His plan is to move with his mum as he doesn’t want to “waste” the money. I do not get along with her and 3 weeks feels like hell.

what are my options? He is saying 3 weeks but could well be longer as date has only been discussed and nothing signed. DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

I looked at air bnb but it’s ridiculous prices. Estate agents require minimum 6 months.

please give me some ideas!

OP posts:
londonlass71 · 24/08/2022 00:12

You should remind DH that he hasn't paid you for the childcare and running around you do staying at home. It isn't his money it's both your money as you're married and a team. Your husband is being a prick.

Nat6999 · 24/08/2022 00:28

You have a dh problem, from what you have written I wouldn't believe him until the day that the keys are in your hand. Have you enough money to book yourself & dc in a Premier Inn for the 3 weeks. Under no circumstances move in with MIL & the first chance you get start looking for a job so you can have your own money & build up an escape fund for if or when you decide to leave him. He is financially abusive.

SpacePotato · 24/08/2022 00:38

Have you even seen the new house or any paperwork regarding it?

Are you stuck in his home country?

Liorae · 24/08/2022 00:41

LadyMaid · 24/08/2022 00:09

Is this a desi household by any chance?

You have more power than you think.

I agree with other posters in that you should clarify certain points before moving out of your home.

If you do end up at with your mother inlaw then remain firm but courteous with with her at all times regarding your time.
Under no circumstances should you be waiting on them because they expect you to.
Make it clear that you are happy to HELP with things in the house.

You need to also chat with your husband because if he feels like it's his money then he needs to make back payments for your services that he has been getting for free.

Invoice your husband for childcare, with a 50% discount as its your child too.

Also invoice him for the cooking and cleaning that you have been doing.

Don't forget to invoice him for the sexual services, adding a surcharge for each disappointment.

You realize that invoicing crap doesn't work, right?

EllaB22 · 24/08/2022 00:53

So many issues with your post .. are you sure the new home is bought? why is nothing signed / when will it be signed? Surely this would be a priority? In your case I would downright refuse to exchange until I knew for certain I had somewhere else to go.

Do not be forced or shamed into staying with your MIL. It is not your job to serve her or your husband.

His attitude to you and your family money is awful but normal to him. I really worry there is no house. I think he believes your place is serving and looking after his children and mother and he does not want to pay money to give you the freedom of your own home.

Honestly I would leave. It will only get worse. You got away from MIL once, now he has got more power in that you are a SAHM and he feels like you have no valuable voice so he is going to do as he likes and move you back in there.

I would need to see actual contracts / deeds with your name / speak to solicitor 1:1 without your husband there to begin to believe his plan is any different.

LittleOwl153 · 24/08/2022 01:25

I would refuse to sign the exchange papers until I knew there was a legally bound house to move to. There is no way I would move out if my home into this uncertain situation. And I wouldn't move unless my name was on the deeds of the house. Even if you are married he sounds very capable of playing games. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH MIL. You will never get out unless you divorce him... and then she will have her claws into your children....

Ihaveanoldiphone · 24/08/2022 01:35

Sorry OP reading the first line about you just being a SAHM and it being his money, and then moving in with mil made me think are you Asian. The fact your mil is nasty to you and he’s somehow managed to move you in with her is a red flag. I think you’ll be stuck there? Is your marriage registered? Are you on the deeds to the house? Probably not. I’d be more concerned about your husband than your mil. If you are legally marriage then you’ll have some rights but men like that don’t like to register marriages from what I’ve seen as they don’t like to share ‘their’ money

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2022 01:39

This doesnt make sense - are you selling as well as buying because you exchange then a certain amount of time later complete and it is then you move out.

HUndreds of houses get bought and sold and very very few end up with a 3 week break in the middle - it just wouldnt or shouldnt happen.

How involved are you in the process because it sounds dodgy as anything. Is your name on either house?

Ihaveanoldiphone · 24/08/2022 01:45

OP who is telling you you are trapped just because you have kids with him? Is your family supportive? I honestly have a bad feeling and think he’s conned you into moving back in -permanently. Unless you put your foot down this is how it’s going to be. I’m sick of seeing women in my culture putting up with this shit in 21st century Britain. There are many organisations that will help you getting out but only if you’re willing. These men need to know they’re not ‘back home’ where they can treat women like this. Please go to your mum’s for 3 weeks, hotel, anywhere but mil’s.

Give women’s aid a call if you feel really stuck.

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/08/2022 02:02

35965a · 23/08/2022 22:06

I’d be reassessing the relationship for the “it’s my money” comment.

Yep this is far more of a worry than your MIL

He seems to have absorbed a lot of her cultural attitudes

But if you don't think you can afford an air bnb OP I am not sure what you can do - presumably friends are out of the question? ?

If you do stay, she can't stop you going out you know, or doing anything - are you projecting back to a time you felt powerless, or do you really fear for your safety and freedom if you stay with them? If it's the latter then that does also indicate you have more than an MIL problem.

Bellyups · 24/08/2022 02:18

You vacate on completion, not exchange.

deeperthanallroses · 24/08/2022 02:41

ChangeNane1 · 23/08/2022 22:05

The kids are in school and nursery so I have to be around to take them.

Do you though? Can’t Dh work it out with his mum while you piss off to anywhere that will have you? If you have evidence there’s a house you can come back for the last week. This will make it super clear that you are not staying.

Nancydrawn · 24/08/2022 03:12

DH keeps reminding me that it’s his money and as I’m a SAHM at present it’s his decision.

Wtaf.

I'd be very clear with my husband that if he thought of money that way, I'm going back to work full-time immediately and the childcare bills and all houseware responsibilities will be split equally.

You are a marriage of equals. He is not the decision-maker. I couldn't live with someone who disrespected me so profoundly.

autienotnaughty · 24/08/2022 03:25

With regard to the where to live, you can't find anywhere so why did u think your dh would?

The way he spoke to you is appalling, you are not a child and raising children is a contribution.

KTheGrey · 24/08/2022 03:48

@EllaB22 has it right.
You need the information on the move and then you may have to call Women's Aid and move out with the children.

allinatizzy · 24/08/2022 03:55

To begin with, I was ready to say you should just power through the three weeks of hell, but after the updates, no! The more you reveal, the worse the situation looks, OP. Your husband is not treating you with the love and respect you deserve. As everyone else is saying, your MIL isn't even the biggest problem here, though she is definitely a problem!

You don't have to do what he wants, regardless of who earns the money. You always have choices.

Poppyblush · 24/08/2022 04:16

Are you sure there’s a new place to move to in 3 weeks?

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 24/08/2022 04:22

Have you had a legal UK wedding? Let's hope so for yours, and the kids, sake! Flowers

custardbear · 24/08/2022 04:33

Push the completion date til you get your move in date.
Ensure you're on the paperwork for the new house as joint owners
Don't do a thing for your MIL
Get a job so you've sone security financially
Broach subject of how you're a wife and it's 'our' money not his, otherwise they're your kids / home as he doesn't contribute to them or their upkeep

Ponderingwindow · 24/08/2022 04:59

It’s your money too. He doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions. His attitude is very concerning.

once you add in mention of not being allowed to leave MIL’s house, the red flags multiply.

TheCutter · 24/08/2022 05:14

Blossomtoes · 23/08/2022 22:08

Three weeks is tolerable, surely?

I tend to get on with my mil when she stays with us, by the 3rd night I'm looking forward to getting my home back...

readingismycardio · 24/08/2022 05:24

Blossomtoes · 23/08/2022 22:08

Three weeks is tolerable, surely?

I'm pretty sure I'd end up in jail after three weeks with my MIL.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2022 05:48

LTB.

StoppinBy · 24/08/2022 05:57

Are you on the contract for the new house?

Honestly, I'd rather live in a tent in the middle of winter than move in with your MIL from the sounds of it.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 24/08/2022 05:57

It’s sounds like you’re moving back in with your MIl and something will happen with the new house which means you can’t move out…

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