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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:25

But he was only conceding this after I pointed it out, like "of course the man is sick, but he still only did it to go back to prison"

Ok, so the only well adjusted thing he said was illicited, not even really him.

Walkden · 23/08/2022 17:29

To start with its not a pleasant conversation to have or to think about. Lots of people would prefer not to think about it especially if a situation is something you can't do anything about.

To an extent we all do it. We minimise the trauma experienced by refugees etc. I recall lots of people minimised the Syrians drowning when they fled to Europe and dismissed until the picture of that littles boy's body on the beach shocked them out of apathy.

I'm not saying it's right as it was a heinous crime but some people laugh things off rather than reflect on or confront how shitty the world can be.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:29

LordNelsonsPigStatues · 23/08/2022 17:11

There was a horrific crime here years ago where a pregnant 18 year old days away from giving birth was violently raped, stabbed repeatedly and then set on fire. I knew her mother and wasn’t much older myself at the time, and was really upset on learning about it. My dad asked what was wrong and I told him and he just replied ‘Probably some tart shagging someone she shouldn’t have been and upset someone’

Ive never felt the same about him ever since, and he had form for appalling opinions before that. What’s that saying? When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

That's horrendous, I am so sorry to hear about that. I don't know how a man's mind can even leap to that conclusion. So devoid of empathy. I could only be thinking of that poor woman and her family.

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 23/08/2022 17:30

Mangogogogo · 23/08/2022 16:09

i personally think that you were annoyed he wasn’t immediately outraged and ranting about it like you were so you pushed and he didn’t really know what to answer.

you would have put my back up too and even if I felt the deepest empathy for the mother and daughter (as I do) I’d have found it hard to say that with you going on like that at me

i also think you need to not read these articles if they’re going to trigger you like this.

I agree with this. It seemed like you wanted a specific answer and reaction from him and was just pressing on until you got it.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 17:30

you are being a bit unreasonable OP

Ffs.... yes, someone who has been traumatised may have reactions which aren't 100% 'reasonable'. Doesn't everyone understand that, and that therefore when this person is upset the onus is much more on them to be the reasonable,non-argumentative one?

Anyway OP... re your AIBU question
I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

... seems like overall most posters are appalled, and a high proportion of those who thought you were being unreasonable have been deleted.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:30

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:31

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:23

People are really latching onto my partner agreeing the man is sick. But he was only conceding this after I pointed it out, like "of course the man is sick, but he still only did it to go back to prison". I don't feel like he understands the enormity of the situation. I don't think he showed any empathy. He didn't have to go on about him wanting to go back to prison (which by the way makes no sense if you know anything about rape conviction rates or the man's behaviour which shows he did not want to get caught). He could have just said, that's awful and reassured me. And that would have been the conversation over and done with. I wasn't picking an argument, I suffer with PTSD and there were elements in this case that both reminded me of my own trauma, I was that young girl once upon a time, and in a way I still am. And the thought of that happening to my daughter, with me there unable to do anything about it, is earth shattering.

Women's fear of rape suits men very well because women sub-consciously modify their behaviour to avoid male anger/rape. Your DH reassuring you would have been counter-productive to keeping you scared.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:32

Many serial offenders do commit crimes for the sole purpose to go back inside

Why change from burglary to violent rape of an adult and a child?

Also article says he tried to bullshit his way out of it with a story about being invited in and encouraged sexuslly. Why do that if he wanted lifted and imprisoned?

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:32

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SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 17:34

These crimes are of course horrendous but what’s almost as bad is how many men either agree with it or don’t think it’s that bad.

No wonder rapists and peados get a slap on the wrist when convicted.

It’s also why it’s so important we encourage females to become police officers and judges in court so women get justice.

I read a news article the other day about a man who had thousands of category A child abuse images and videos which included torture of babies and young children.
This man also took photos of children in the local community and did voyeurism and the judge didn’t even give him a week in prison.
I think he got a suspended sentence and had to sign the sex offenders register and that was it.

Walkden · 23/08/2022 17:35

"Women's fear of rape suits men very well because women sub-consciously modify their behaviour to avoid male anger/rape. Your DH reassuring you would have been counter-productive to keeping you scared"

Sorry but that's blatant misandry.

I think it's absurd to suggest that men subconsciously or otherwise like to keep the women in their lives scared of them.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:35

Or are you someone who thinks anyone who doesn't line up to kiss the OPs shoe

Ah that's what understanding the op's (understandable) disquiet is .... Kissing her shoe?

Says a lot about how you think.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:35

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:37

Watch out guys Slappers/Chinesefortea has a new 'spicy' account...

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:37

She has posted asking for opinions. I gave mine. Or are you someone who thinks anyone who doesn't line up to kiss the OPs shoe isn't allowed to comment

There's a lot of that on this thread. Plus, if you think the op was in anyway ur, you must be a man 🙄

Women are not allowed to have any different opinion to the majority on this thread - and those with a differing opinion are accused of misogyny.

The irony is amusing.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:37

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:37

Watch out guys Slappers/Chinesefortea has a new 'spicy' account...

Exactly what I thought!

OP posts:
Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:38

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:39

I'm not sure why you think your opinion is the only correct one in this scenario

It is the correct one.

The theory that he raped a woman and child in their home, made them watch each other, and tried to say he was invited in for sex .... In order to be returned to prison is ...... Shaky.

His amusement at the hammer thing and reference to a horrifically violent murder video he's watched is ..... Disturbing.

His reactions were those of a lacking in empathy, teenage boy who needs psychological help.

He does not have valid or reasonable opinions here.

Stop pretending he does.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:40

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:37

Exactly what I thought!

And they've brought their friends...

Funny how the people we've called for being misogynistic men have been deleted (and likely banned). Almost like they are... misogynistic men.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 17:40

Or are you someone who thinks anyone who doesn't line up to kiss the OPs shoe isn't allowed to comment

I think some of us are just baffled how anyone could think the OP is being unreasonable.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 17:41

The OP and her partner have a difference in opinion, and instead of letting that be she kept going on and on. And this will be based on her trauma but it doesn't make her less unreasonable

Ffs. Someone who has been traumatised is obviously likely to respond emotionally and 'unreasonably'. The onus is on the other party not to escalate, to behave reasonably and compassionately. To not point score and certainly not get defiensive and sulk.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:41

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badbaduncle · 23/08/2022 17:41

These men are everywhere, everywhere

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)
Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:42

And here's another lemming...

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:42

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