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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:53

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 17:52

I must say, @dpshownhistruecolours that you're taking this influx of incels on your thread remarkably well.

Op is solid.

I'm actually horrified she's tied to this utter wanker.

He got you young op, you can do better.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:55

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 17:52

I must say, @dpshownhistruecolours that you're taking this influx of incels on your thread remarkably well.

They're just key board warriors, with socks and vaseline.

TerrysGotPeeves · 23/08/2022 17:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Why do you think anyone disagreeing with you is 'struggling with projection'? Are you so ridiculously arrogant that you can't fathom that anyone disagreeing with you is doing so because they actually just disagree with you?

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:56

The socks come in handy for multiple reasons...

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:57

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:51

I work in mental health. Not once have I met a woman experiencing psychosis which led them to rape a woman or child, let alone forced them to watch each other. He full well knew what he was doing, he was well aware of the consequences hence he checked the daughter's phone and got so enraged about the daughter calling the police. He used the rape as punishment, and he tried to flee the scene, then bullshitted about what happened. He also already had a story planned for when he knocked on the woman's door.

Definitely sounds like a man who desperately wanted to return to prison.

I'm sure he particularly wanted to return to prison as a child rapist. They're really admired there.

He probably has a list of unprosecuted sex offences, because our society and legal system is so good at dismissing, minimising, victim blaming and not prosecuting them.

RustySwitchblade · 23/08/2022 17:57

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:10

As the survivor of abducton and violent rape, I think this kind of thing is unhelpful. This girl will have a lot to recover from, but there is no reason that, with support, she won't be able to live a normal life and find love.

Telling rape survivors that they are broken and shattered forever is no better than the old view that we are tainted goods, IMO.

I agree @Octomore

as a survivor of child sex abuse, I also find this view can add to the stigma.

@DdraigGoch i know your comments are coming from a good place and acknowledge the devastation this kind of attack causes, but you can recover from this. they have both survived.

I say that as someone who has struggled with MH issues as a result of what happened to me. At my darkest times, I have felt I’d have been better off dead. But I’ve also lived a full life with many good relationships and positive experiences.

however, I do think his sentence is too light. 10 years is a joke. I think it should reflect the emotional damage he has caused- 25 years minimum.

and in the interests of wider society, he should be in prison indefinitely.

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 17:58

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:59

and in the interests of wider society, he should be in a shallow grave.

There, I fixed that - something just didn't flow with the diction ... Apologies.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 17:59

Yep, down to the same phrasing - 'based on your trauma' were Slappers words too.

Quite. I can't even imagine the level of hatred these people (men!) have to create multiple accounts to troll a woman who has experienced sexual trauma and is feeling unsettled by her DPs flippancy about an horrific crime. Truly, blows my mind - not just the determination to derail but the effort they put in to create multiple accounts. No wonder they're 'involuntary' celibate!

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:01

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You clearly didn't read all her posts.

Because she explained why she posted in her first post.

He's gas lghting her that others would share his views, and she said she'd get a poll/perspectives on it.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/08/2022 18:02

That feeling of satisfaction when you've been mentioned in a post, click over and see it was exactly who you expected, but it's already been deleted.

I might order Chinese tonight in memory of his shitty account.

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:03

@LemonDrop22

Nah that doesn't quite fly

Otherwise you'd be a lot more objective in where you'd post to poll for opinions

The OP knew most on here would support her and has decided to post on an emotive subject to rille people on here up

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 18:03

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Of course I think I'm the reasonable one. My partner goaded me into sharing what happened with other people because he is so adamant he is in the right, he didn't actually seriously believe I would post this online though. So I am doing just that, and I don't know if I can look at him the same again. I am a long term poster with a long post history. If you have concerns report this to MNHQ because there is nothing fishy about it.

OP posts:
Meraas · 23/08/2022 18:04

@KathwithAK did you not think that when MNHQ were merrily deleting the trolls that they wouldn't have checked OP too? You don't give them enough credit if you think they don't know how to do their job.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:05

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:03

@LemonDrop22

Nah that doesn't quite fly

Otherwise you'd be a lot more objective in where you'd post to poll for opinions

The OP knew most on here would support her and has decided to post on an emotive subject to rille people on here up

are you a new poster?

RustySwitchblade · 23/08/2022 18:06

@LemonDrop22 I bet he has- you don’t just suddenly decide to commit a double rape having never carried out any other sexual offences.

I read somewhere that burglars often progress to rape and sexual assault- basically people who have no respect for boundaries.

Wonder if burglars should be dealt with more severely?

as you point out, they’re unlikely to be caught for sexual offences.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:10

Three guys, 1 hammer;

"The man whose murder is recorded in the leaked video was identified as Sergei Yatzenko from the village of Taroms'ke [uk; ru]. His murder took place on 12 July 2007, and his body was found on 16 July.[14] Yatzenko was 48 years old. He had recently been forced into retirement due to a cancerous tumor in his throat. The treatment left him unable to speak for some time, but Yatzenko was unhappy with being unable to work and continued to find odd jobs around the village. He took on small construction work, repaired cars, wove baskets, and cooked for his family. He was beginning to regain his voice at the time he was murdered. Yatzenko was married and had two sons and one grandchild. He also looked after his disabled mother."

They videoed themselves torturing and brutally murdering this man.

They murdered 21 people in all.

They videoed lots of them to make money on snuff video sites.

This is what your husband found amusing, and for some bizarre reason linked to a child who'd been raoed keeping a hammer under her bed.

I can't even begin to follow his thinking and I wouldn't want to.

He's not quite right in the head.

You can do better.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/08/2022 18:13

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:41

To clarify, he knows all about my history with sexual violence as I saw a PP was wondering if he knew. I suffered sexual abuse from the age of 16 and was nearly killed through it and was held captive. As people think I am being ridiculous from reacting strongly to this article.

That's because they have no idea, OP, or in a more sinister sense, have every idea and are deliberately making a beeline for rape victims. I'm a longstanding member of this site who openly discusses my own - unfortunately extensive -experiences of rape and sexual assault. This is for two reasons: first in the hope of helping and supporting other victims, and secondly because I'm not going to conveniently shut up and cover up for men's abusive actions. Women's silence makes it easier for them to get away with this, and I won't be complicit in that. It took me decades to speak up and I'm not about to be silenced now.

Unfortunately there are sick fucks on this site who hound women who do precisely this, who make a beeline for threads where they bravely talk about their experiences, and harangue them, vilify them, accuse them of being man-haters, and on one occasion with me, trailed me around this site. Some of these people claim to be women; I suspect a number of them use this as a guise.

I should have been surprised and shocked by such behaviour. Sadly, I'm neither.

Empathy and solidarity, OP. I'm so sorry you have received neither of these things from your DP. Your actions are blameless.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:15

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:03

@LemonDrop22

Nah that doesn't quite fly

Otherwise you'd be a lot more objective in where you'd post to poll for opinions

The OP knew most on here would support her and has decided to post on an emotive subject to rille people on here up

What a charmed and sheltered life you must live ... To believe there aren't quite a lot of people like op's partner in the world, in relationships, letting their psychopathy leak out.

And you're on here harassing and seeking to undermine op

Report if you think it's fake, and perhaps you might enjoy another thread more, Ta ta

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/08/2022 18:15

Response to upthread: any thread about sexual assault and abuse attracts incels like flies to a shitheap.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 18:17

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/08/2022 18:15

Response to upthread: any thread about sexual assault and abuse attracts incels like flies to a shitheap.

It's pathetic but it will never silence me. I've talked about my experiences on here in the past and got some of the same, although it's worse lately.

OP posts:
IAMNOTTHEONE2022 · 23/08/2022 18:17

You're appalled, as you should be. But could you still sleep with a man who behaved like that? I couldn't.

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:19

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KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:20

@lemmein

Nope

Hence why I agree with other posters that this entire thread is fishy

Seen a lot of them over the years

Posted with the sole aim to rille people up on here

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And yet many of the responses have been deleted but my post still stands. Wonder why that is.

OP posts: