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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:23

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:20

@lemmein

Nope

Hence why I agree with other posters that this entire thread is fishy

Seen a lot of them over the years

Posted with the sole aim to rille people up on here

But you don't have a posting history?

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:24

@dpshownhistruecolours

It shows you know your audience

Again, why post if you're so sure you're not unreasonable? Not responded to that yet

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:24

@lemmein

Do you not understand the concept of name changing?

lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:25

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:24

@lemmein

Do you not understand the concept of name changing?

You changed your name for this thread? Strange.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 18:26

KathwithAK · 23/08/2022 18:20

@lemmein

Nope

Hence why I agree with other posters that this entire thread is fishy

Seen a lot of them over the years

Posted with the sole aim to rille people up on here

Seems like the riled up people have been deleted.

I call that a win Grin

NiceTwin · 23/08/2022 18:31

YABU to suggest all men are the same and are misogynistic.
YANBU about your partner.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:32

Op has outlined why she posted even though she thinks she's nu, other posters have highlighted and repeated her reason (which is reasonable) ... Yet this poster appears says noone has explained it.

And continuing to troll hunt the op.

The trolls on this thread must have MN hq reaching for the wine.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 18:33

NiceTwin · 23/08/2022 18:31

YABU to suggest all men are the same and are misogynistic.
YANBU about your partner.

Seems like H was goading her. Why is she BU to goad him back?

lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:35

*Seems like the riled up people have been deleted.

I call that a win*

Grin I wonder who'll be next to run with the incel baton? Amazing how these posters have tag-teamed throughout the thread - one disappears and another one pops up instantly. It's almost like it isn't a co-incidence.

It's about time admin changed the settings where you can only participate in sensitive topics if you have a posting history - it's really shit on OPs when their threads get derailed like this.

cheeseonposts · 23/08/2022 18:41

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:43

Op, while it is 100 percent normal and reasonable to want to gain perspectives and opinions on such a disturbing interchange with your partner and father of your child, and 100 per cent normal to want to show him others opinions on what he said when he has been so truculent and claimed others would agree with him .......

Ultimately you know you're not being unreasonable.

His focus/theory re the horrific case was weird and pretty lacking in empathy. His resijnsevto the hammer thing ... Weird, horde focus and lacking in empathy.

You now know he also watches videos of horrific murders for curiosity/because someone who watches these things sent it to him etc.

I am widely read, frequent a lot of forums, very interested in pretty much everything, and I had never heard of it. I'll ask my partner but I'll bet he's never heard of it. Your partner clearly moved in circles where people do know about it and watch it. Noone has to watch anything like that ... He apparently chose to (?)

What his thinking was in linking the attempted defensive strategy of a raped child with a hammer and a horrific murder video with the weapon being a hammer is quite sketchy and bizarre in my mind. And the fact that he leaot, not to deep empathy for her (whicj most of us would) to that instead is ..... Kinda hard to understand.

It sounds like you got together with him very young.

It sounds like you had an extremely traumatic period in your life before you got together with him.

Perhahs some counselling could help you evaluate your relationship with him, in light of this recent incident.

I know this would he a painful, scary and conflicting thing, given you've been together quite a while and share a child. Please protect yourself against another pregnancy with him, that would make a separation (if you decide to move it at any time) much more difficult.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:44

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Those aren't sex crimes, and sex crimes against children.

I briefly searched spice and sex crimes and only two results came up mentioning sex crime & spice ... This case, and a coue having sex in public. That was all I could find in several pages of results.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/08/2022 18:46

'It was the drugs/ drink/ the woman who made him do it.'

Rape apology is vile.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 18:48

lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:35

*Seems like the riled up people have been deleted.

I call that a win*

Grin I wonder who'll be next to run with the incel baton? Amazing how these posters have tag-teamed throughout the thread - one disappears and another one pops up instantly. It's almost like it isn't a co-incidence.

It's about time admin changed the settings where you can only participate in sensitive topics if you have a posting history - it's really shit on OPs when their threads get derailed like this.

And right on cue, we have another ‘spicy’ poster 😂

Completely agree re posting history. We don’t even need to see it, it can just be in the back end for mods to see.

KyaClark · 23/08/2022 18:49

@LemonDrop22

Yeah, please don't watch it. It's horrific. It's going to play on repeat in my head now I've been reminded of it.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 18:49

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That must be why we hear about all those women who sexually assault children whilst under the influence of spice 🙄

'The drugs made him do it' fuck.off.

cheeseonposts · 23/08/2022 18:50

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cheeseonposts · 23/08/2022 18:50

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Booklover3 · 23/08/2022 18:51

I quite honestly would leave my OH if he responded that way OP.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/08/2022 18:51

What do you not get about unpredictable behaviour

Being under the influence of intoxicants is NO excuse for raping children.

Not ever.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 18:52

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I actually can't believe I'm reading someone excusing the rape of a literal child. Would present like an adult?! Have you actually SEEN 14 year olds? Child rape apologist through and through, you should be ashamed.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:54

And at 14 the young girl wouldn't be considered a child in sentencing terms anyway

Why wouldn't she be considered a child when she is considered one and it's a crime if anyone over 18 had sex with her?

lifeturnsonadime · 23/08/2022 18:54

Are you suggesting that a man can't tell the difference between an adult and a 14 year old?

Vile vile vile.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:56

She would present like an adult

To who, to him?

But he's a off his face on spice druggie who's taking due to the drug, according to you, so why would a court give credence to how he thought she "presented".

You can't quite keep your story straight,can you.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 18:57

*who's raping due to the drug

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