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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:43

You've called me out for being a man @Meraas . You're wrong.

Sometimes women have their own opinions that differ from yours. Who'd have thought it eh?

SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 17:43

Many serial offenders do commit crimes for the sole purpose to go back inside

They wouldn’t rape a child unless they wanted to rape one because they know what will happen when they get to prison and the prison guards ‘accidentally’ leak what his crime was.

He’ll be attacked by prisoners (and possibly guards) on a daily basis - no one would choose that.

He could have punched a police officer or tried robbing a bank which would see him have a large sentence considering he’s already got s criminal record.

He raped this mother and child simply because he wanted to.

He just pretended that it was because he wanted to go back inside, either because he was trying to use reverse psychology and hope that he wouldn’t be sent down or to have a reduced sentence because people would feel sorry for him.

If he genuinely wanted to go back to prison he would have said that he did it because he enjoyed it and that he’ll do it again to try and get the maximum sentence, not try and excuse his behaviour.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:43

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:43

badbaduncle · 23/08/2022 17:41

These men are everywhere, everywhere

Nail on head. So many dudebros on this thread.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:45

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:43

You've called me out for being a man @Meraas . You're wrong.

Sometimes women have their own opinions that differ from yours. Who'd have thought it eh?

Internalised misogyny also exists.

OP posts:
PSKeyboardwarrior · 23/08/2022 17:45

The misogynist/s of MN appear to have forgotten what a full stop is.

Hi Slapper 👋

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:45

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:43

You've called me out for being a man @Meraas . You're wrong.

Sometimes women have their own opinions that differ from yours. Who'd have thought it eh?

Well your opinions aren't opinions anymore, because some of them have been deleted. I wonder why...

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:46

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SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 17:46

The fact he had a lot of spice in his system?

It's a very significant escalation to go from low level crimes to something so serious, the spice will be a factor in this unfortunately.

Spice would not make someone rape a man, women or child if they didn’t want to.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:46

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SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 17:47

Punching a police officer or attempting to rob a bank don't get you that long a sentence.

But he didn’t want a long sentence else he wouldn’t have been trying to say it was consensual etc.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:47

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It's interesting that you proport to have the same knowledge of offending and Spice as slappers did.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:47

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:47

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Yes, they are embarrassing men, for once we agree.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:48

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:48

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:47

It's interesting that you proport to have the same knowledge of offending and Spice as slappers did.

Yep, down to the same phrasing - 'based on your trauma' were Slappers words too.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:49

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So defensive, tch tch

PostcardsFromPalma · 23/08/2022 17:50

@dpshownhistruecolours
In your considerable years together, had he ever said anything else to freak you out or upset you?

Someone doesn’t just come up with something like that out of the clear blue one day unless it’s in their character somehow.

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:50

Well your opinions aren't opinions anymore, because some of them have been deleted. I wonder why...

Any post will be deleted when enough reports are received...it doesn't make them any less my 'opinion' after deletion. It was just one that was unpalatable to many apparently.

My opinion is the same...i think the op was being ur. Her oh probably was too but him being ur doesn't mean she wasn't too.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:50

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TattoedLady · 23/08/2022 17:51

Your "DP" has let you down very badly. He has demonstrated zero ability to empathise and understand that your point of view on rape and therefore your response to the article is intimately informed by your personal experience of rape.

That he should laugh, particularly when making a connection between a child who has been raped sleeping with a hammer so that she can feel safe and another brutal murder, is nothing less than...well it's kinda sick really isn't it, it's abhorrent. It says a lot about who he is as a person and demonstrates a huge lack of awareness of the impact of his own behaviour.

Sending you the massive squeezy hug you should've gotten from your DP.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:51

I work in mental health. Not once have I met a woman experiencing psychosis which led them to rape a woman or child, let alone forced them to watch each other. He full well knew what he was doing, he was well aware of the consequences hence he checked the daughter's phone and got so enraged about the daughter calling the police. He used the rape as punishment, and he tried to flee the scene, then bullshitted about what happened. He also already had a story planned for when he knocked on the woman's door.

OP posts:
SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 17:52

I must say, @dpshownhistruecolours that you're taking this influx of incels on your thread remarkably well.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:52

I actually agree in this instance he probably was a very well hidden sexual offender and snapped on the spice but the OPs partner isn't wrong for having a different opinion.

Youve just contradicted yourself.

Ops partners theory/opinion was either reasonable & valid or not, you agree it was not.

Yet you say he's not wrong for having a "different" opinion, he didn't a different opinion, he had a deeply flawed, stupid opinion that even you can't say makes sense or holds together.

So she's perfectly justified at being mind boggled and wanting to argue against it.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:53

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 17:50

Well your opinions aren't opinions anymore, because some of them have been deleted. I wonder why...

Any post will be deleted when enough reports are received...it doesn't make them any less my 'opinion' after deletion. It was just one that was unpalatable to many apparently.

My opinion is the same...i think the op was being ur. Her oh probably was too but him being ur doesn't mean she wasn't too.

No, posts aren't deleted based on the number of reports. They're deleted based on the content.

Your opinions minimise rape and promote misogyny. That's why you were deleted.

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