To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

That is terrible, I would be upset and disappointed too - you are not unreasonable. Can you do something nice for yourself? Nice treat, coffee, cake and cinema on your own? Or even, dare I suggest it on MN, a spa day?

Is it just buying alcohol that he has an issue with? What's he like with the weekly supermarket shop for example?

What’s the problem with alcohol? That he’s got to pay for it?

Shit , I'd need a drink if I lived with him

I do the supermarket shop. He’s tight if he doesn’t think it is worth it. So - for example - road bike and all the kit - fine. Antique doll for me - not fine.

He’s always been the same, it’s just got to me tonight.

I would be hurt and annoyed if it was a standard meal out, never mind for your significant birthday.

God, nothing worse than a miser. Soul destroying.

He says restaurant booze is v overpriced. It is, but it’s not the point, you know?

Ah so he's only a miser where you're concerned. He's a selfish prick.

Do you have seperate finances? I'd just buy myself something (expensive!) to be honest. And then not get him anything in future.

He means he wants to keep costs to a minimum ie food only? I think he better be a good husband in so many ways! This is horribly sad. I had a colleague who one told me she never mentioned her birthday in our team because in her previous job she felt so awful when people would ask about what she did over the weekend on the Monday/about her birthday treats etc. Her husband never gave a shit either.

Is £ very tight?

If not book yourself a spa day.

So he's a misery and selfish then? Treat yourself to something nice, splash out if you can afford it. Then on his birthday get him sweet f all.

I'm really sorry. You need to tell him how this makes you feel anyhow hurt you are. Obviously, there may be financial reasons for his response but he could tell you in a very different way.
Maybe change the parameters for the future. For example DH and I always buy something under £10 for our anniversary - it's part of the fun to find the gift. Also, can you arrange something nice with DD on a near day to specifically celebrate your birthday so she understands it has value?

Absolutely this.

A lotta drink actually.

Cannot stick mean men.

I would insist on the price of the meal and a gift and spend it on myself.

I really wouldn't want to spend the evening with him.

Stop marking his birthday when he is so mean.
Match his effort.

Do you have your own money, if you don’t you need to organise things so you can access funds. You don’t need his permission to buy alcohol.

Does he do anything thoughtful for you that's non financial? Breakfast in bed or a nice back massage or something trivial but considerate?

Ps do you both earn?

DH was often too busy to think of my birthday. I always did balloons a little pile of presents and cards for him and DC. Then one year I didn't. Just a kiss and a happy birthday.

Funnily enough he has remembered ever since.

usual question from me.....why do you stay?

££ isn’t tight, he’s happy to spend on what he wants. I don’t have spare to treat myself, and teenagers work at weekends,which is when I’m off.

just so fucking hacked off that there’s not one person in this world I know that can afford to treat me, just once, and does. Sorry, this is a pity party, not a ‘what’s the solution’ party.

If not book yourself a spa day

Why is that the MN answer to everything. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

OP sod him. Book a nice restaurant & take a friend & next year remember this when it's his birthday

No advice, but happy birthday, you sounds lovely and I hope you find something fun to do without your selfish arse of a DH in tow. Spend your budget for his birthday present on yourself!

The one year I did go more modest on Christmas for him he was in a right mood.

I work full time the same as him, but I prob spend too much on the DCs so no spare to play with.

That’s so shitty OP. My ex could be like that. Really resented spending on anything to make me feel special, or my priorities. He’s priorities were, of course, fine..

Honestly don't get him anything next birthday. If you really have to book a cheap restaurant for him. Sounds like it's more than he does for you. Re your birthday is just go out on my own if I were you.