To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

I bet you don’t spend “too much” on your dcs. I bet you’re just making up for their tight arse dad!

Spending for the dcs should be met by both of you.

I’d go off for the day by myself. New podcast to binge listen to. Happy to recommend some.
New shoes/handbag/makeup - whatever you like.
Then a facial/mani/pedi or spa afternoon
treat yourself . It’s your birthday after all

I’d go out with some friend and get bladdered. Fuck the misery guts! Urgh! He’s awful.

If money isn't tight then why cant you treat yourself and behave the same way he does? E.g. he gets £x for bikes, you take the same amount for yourself. Why is there no spare for you? Is your DH controlling or is this a metal block you place on yourself. As someone who does similar I can understand if it is.

It is shit but there is something I dont understand about these threads.....

Women moan on here that they get nothing for their special days but make a huge fuss for Xmas/birthdays/fathers day etc for partners. WHy? First couple of years ok but when it becomes clear that it isnt reciprocated, why keep doing it? Thats like hitting yourself and expecting it to hurt the other person.

Treat him as he treats you.

This is horribly, horribly sad. He's too tight to even want to share a nice bottle of wine with you over a meal in a restaurant.

But when it's about his toys, money is no object. Yanbu for feeling unloved and uncared for. Your feelings reflect the reality. I guess the question is what you'll do about it.

My dh ruined my 40th.
He was an exh before my 41st..
You don't have to settle for this shitty treatment op..

I wish people wouldnt duggest this shit. A spa day is not going to compensate for the fact that her DH doesn't care enough to want to make her feel special. It won't fix the fact that her DH doesn't care whether his wife has a lovely birthday or not. It won't address the fact that when given the option of sharing a lovely meal with his wife, his first thought is how much the wine might cost.

I would suggest not making such an effort on his next birthday.

So what happens when you speak to him about it?

I’m not hearing mentioning of friends?

Go for a weekend/ day/ night out with your friends or something nice.
spend lots of money too - after all, If your husband won’t spoil you; spoil yourself! 🥳

I would feel too sad to go out on my own for a meal. I don’t have any friends with the funds or freedom to come out with me. What a fucking loser to bein this position.

I do overcompensate for him with the DCs.

Thanks MN for going easy on me. So tired of never being first for anyone. My parents will send me £25. But I’ve just sent them £50 to help with a bill so pretty pointless. His parents are in another country and have never done birthdays

I’d treat myself to some time with a decent divorce lawyer and waste no more of my life with such a miserable bastard

Don't bother making any effort whatsoever on his next birthday. Save your money to buy yourself a treat on yours instead.

Take yourself out for a 3 course meal for one, with booze. Fuck him.

I think a very frank conversation with him is needed. Set out why this behaviour is making you unhappy, and provide a few examples tell him that you are not going to accept being treated like this, and see what he says/does in return.

If he doesn't change, I wouldn't stay with a man who values me that little.

I am so done with life and it's problems and partners that don't give a shit, stop buying him things for his shitting birthday, wish I could take you out.

It's not "a treat" you want, is it? It's for your husband, the man who is meant to value and treasure you, to value you enough to want to make you feel special and cared for.

Let him be in a mood. Tell him he's such a selfish tight arse that there will be no more gift buying for each other at all for any occasion. At least then there will be no disappointments.

You really should make space to treat yourself though. I don't really do birthdays but I book a week off work and do some things that make me happy.

Awk OP that’s so sad 💐
Could you book yourself in to a hotel or boutique B&B and just have a restful evening with books and a few treats. You deserve something nice ❤️

At least have a day off housework and DO NOT cook for any of these people who are so thoughtless to you.

I would make a stand. Id show them you know you own worth even if they dont. A long walk, a cinema ticket, a drink in a cafe or bar and read your book. A swim. A long bath and an early night. They may not ever follow your lead.
It doesn't have to cost a lot. Buy yourself flowers or a plant.
Their jaws will be on the floor if you follow through and celebrate alone. But they need a shock.

@Octomore that’s it exactly, He likes a drink. But on his terms. And he doesn’t get that it’s not about the drinks! He had told the girls ‘I’m taking Mum out to a restaurant of her choice’- this was literal asi had to book it. When I told him I had the ‘we’re not drinking’ comment was his first reaction.

bloody hell what a funsponge he is.
my ex husband was like that. (ex. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY)

is there anyone else you can go out for dinner with? that'll piss on his chips if you do that.
and if he doesn't care that you'd sooner spend your birthday with a friend rather than him then he needs to "get his things in order and get his free half an hour with a solicitor" (as people (including me) say)

cc: your miserable git husband.

So many men think money is worth spending only if it's something they want or something they approve of. My DH can be like this and I've been given some amazing gifts over the years but it's really all about him, not me. I can hardly complain, people would think I was bonkers and ungrateful but it makes me wonder if he knows me at all as I'm much less materialistic than he is This year was a cracker, he got me nothing for my birthday but bought himself a stupid car just a couple of days before. I was upset but, when it came round to his birthday, I got him nothing and it was liberating.

also where do you live? i'll meet you for dinner if you want. i'm totally normal and 51 and we can talk about the 1970s with fondness lol.