To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

What kind of things do you like? If it were me, I’d love to go on a scenic walk , either with friends if they were free or on my own with a few good podcasts. End that with hot chocolate and gooey cake.

Then a bubble bath with candles and a new book. I’d make my own dinner and have lots of nice cheese, olives, dips etc. so a grazing plate. Any of that sound appealing?

God he sounds ridiculous.

OP, what would he do if you just said to him - "Right I've had enough of you and your total lack of effort on my birthday. I am 55 years old and I will not stand for it another day. I deserve better. Wake up. I'm off."

Then just go. Stay out overnight in a Travelodge or something. Anything.

It may be that this shocks him into some kind of realisation.

I mean this kindly, but he only behaves like this because he is allowed to get away with it. I would do something very dramatic in your position. I'm not going to tell you to leave as au know it's never that simple, but I would kick off so much he wouldn't dare not make an effort. You shouldn't have to tell him the obvious, I get this. But, in this case, maybe you do.

Can you just go to him now. Turn the TV off or whatever snd stand there and say, "I have something very important to say to you now so listen well. My birthday is soon as you know. I'm letting you know, here and now, that things need to change as of this year - and I expect a MASSIVE effort from YOU. Yes you. No ifs no buts. Get a grip. Think of something. Surprise me. No I will not be booking my own dinner. You will. I am 55. I am your wife. Hellooo. I have put up with crap birthdays for too long and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANY LONGER. Have you understood? Because I hope you have. You had better make an effort or I will not be responsible for what comes next. It's Over to you now. Act like a man and a real normal husband and stop being so pathetic. I have said this once and I will not say it again. Your future is in your own hands."

Maybe try something like this? How do you think he might react?

Poor love, happy birthday from us anyway!

Are you happy otherwise or is it all a bit of a chore dealing with a person who appears (is) to be selfish and self centred, and tight as a duck's arse? I am sorry but a person doesn't just have those traits and be lovely otherwise, so I'm guessing there is more. So sorry for you my love.

Have a good talk with yourself, not him and formulate a plan. Life is ever so short, and should not be spent in misery.

@Sparklfairy thanks! Virtual hug to all the gals offering a night out! 🍾🍾🍾🎂

@Bunnyfuller I'm sorry to hear your husband is such a miserable tightwad.

I would honestly just call his bluff and already have something nice arranged for yourself for your birthday. Then match his energy when it's his birthday and do fuck all.

As others have said though it sounds like your issues run much deeper than just birthdays. Your husband should not have more disposable income than you. You are a couple and your money should be shared! Apart from the secret nest egg I believe all woman should keep for emergencies;)

I 100% believe that reading this forum has made me a better man.Plenty of tips on how to keep the wife happy and how to make her unhappy.Thankyou

If you have a joint household account, take out the amount you spent on his birthday present from it and buy yourself something you want. If you haven't, wrap up an empty box in nice paper. Choose yourself a suitable card that suggests husbands are nice to wives on birthdays. Wrap the present, pencil his name in the card. Put them before him on your birthday and tell him you've done all the hard work, but this is what your birthday morning would look like if he wasn't so tight. Swan off for the day, perhaps even spend the the night in a Premier Inn. Go NC with him till you get home. Scare him, and your teens, into realising they need to do better. Make a scene, enjoy it and at keast have a memorable birthday if not a happy one! (Or LTB.)

Tell him this!

"Go NC with him till you get home. Scare him, and your teens, into realising they need to do better."

Yes exactly.

If he won't even give you a gift, secretly put his bike on EBay. And then go NC to a hotel with the proceeds. I'm not joking. He deserves it. Let him kick off. He needs a shock.

Travelodges on the Monday bank holiday start at £35-worth booking that or a premier inn? You could take whatever you find treat worthy and enjoy some time away from your tight husband. I feel really bad for you reading your replies 🙁 there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treat on your birthday, he should know that as you spoil with gifts that this is something that it important to you. Sounds like there’s more going on than just this, how sad that he’s happy splurging on bikes but not his wife or kids. Make sure you’re not skint while he buys bike gear.

if I decline the kids will say I’m being petty, and should be grateful and ‘stop dwelling’.

Have they learnt this attitude from him
maybe?

@Bunnyfuller - You deserve a partner who puts you first.

In the absence of that, can you scrape a bit together to treat yourself? Whatever would make you feel great

• a great haircut, maybe a beauty treatment


• go shopping and treat yourself to either one expensive thing (perfume, some lovely gloves for winter) or lots of smaller things (some lovely chocolate, loose leaf tea, something from lush) whatever feels nicest for you


• go to a cafe with a great book and order a fabulous coffee or hot chocolate and some cake. still better invite a friend to join you for coffee and cake

If you can, just go off for the day to the sea or a place you want to visit. Don’t wait for him to be a disappointment, crack on and do your own thing.

Alternatively, it’s not too late to invite your friends round for a bbq on the bank holiday?

I'm so upset for you! You absolutely deserve to be treated special on your special day. If funds were tight that's another story, but he clearly treats himself so he's just being horrible and uncaring because he chooses to. You should be able to expect something nice and special after 21 years together. Op, please just stop going out of your way for him. He doesn't deserve any of it. In fact he sounds like a bully.

In true mum's net style - did you mean to be so mean?

You might want to stick pins in your eyes, others might like it. It was intended so at least the op had a day away being looked after. It feels like that would be needed.

Op - I'm sorry you live with someone so selfish. You are entitled to a pity party. Do you want to do something about it

Even if funds are tight though, he can make an effort. He could bring you a lovely breakfast in bed with flowers. Go for a walk or a drive somewhere. Tell you to put your feet up with a G&at when you get home. There are a million and one things he could do, even if he has no money.

I can't stand mean people.
Would you consider taking your parents out? It would be a nice treat for them and you would be with people who really love you. And don't tell him!

Cinema alone is lovely - hot popcorn and plenty of gins in tin, of course.

Don’t tell anyone where you are, if you can face it. He needs his head wobbled, now or later. But the most important person is you- whether the family knows or not, GO OUT.

Without DH.

Lesson One

Stop referring to her as "The Wife". She is a person not a thing.

You're welcome.

I feel for you OP, my DH is similar

When he said 'we're not having alcohol, right?' what did you reply?

My reply would have been something along the lines of 'oh great, so you're driving!"

On principle I would not be cancelling the meal, I'd be having (all) the wine (and all the cocktails) and tightwad can drive, great = no taxi fare!

Ignore any huffing and puffing at you ordering alcohol or remind him 'it's my birthday' any time he complains.

It won't be the same as a nice night out together enjoying a couple of drinks, but maybe it'll teach him....maybe not xx

Happy Birthday when it arrives!

This!!! 1 million percent!! FGS

What a horrible, selfish cunt. I’m sorry he’s taken so much of your life.

Dear readers, what I’ve said here is very much the tip of the iceberg. Keeping the iceberg in focus, this really feels just a hopeless step too far. Much has happened far worse than this, and I feel like the frustrated and incredulous bystander, except I’m living it.

2 teenage daughters, one has autism and the other huge leanings towards perceived ‘underdogs’ which she would see DH as if I tried to ends things.

im resigned to waiting until DC more settled, and then, definitely LTB

Sorry...meant my wonderful wife.Some people get wayyyy too offended these days.Thanks for the lesson.

Nice try dickhead. Do you get points for goading MNers into frothing?

@Bunnyfuller I’m so sorry to read that. Your daughter should be seeing you as the underdog 🙁 I really do hope you take some time over your birthday for you, doing whatever you enjoy (no one is bothered if you were by yourself in a restaurant) and I’m sorry the build up to your birthday is shit. Please try and do something for yourself, don’t let him grind your spirit away xx