To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

I'd needcan alcohol problem to be with this man.

@Babysitter12 maybe you need to read the thread, I think you may have missed something important.

OP, hope all's going well & your dh is realising what a knob he's been

Who is a very angry man hater? 🤣 How about you RTFT and then come back and say something sensible.

Which of the five or six of us who challenged your misogynist assumptions was this to? All of us?

Angry and toxic is the perfect way to describe people like you who assume women don't understand income and outgoings, simply because they have a vagina.

What an odd way to think.

Yanbu do you know what I would do if no one else could be bothered? I'd book myself a little day trip and stay in a cheap b&b overnight somewhere even if it was just the next seaside town across I'm in the UK so this would be somewhere like Blackpool or southport for me in fact I couldn't get no takers for a concert I went to at the beginning of the month I live in Manchester UK and the concert was in Liverpool and my fave artist so I booked my own ticket booked a premier inn for the night just over the bridge from the concert venue and took myself out for the whole day and night it was 1 of the best night's I'd had if u are in the UK just look for a cheap premier inn or travelodge and go away for the day even a day spa for the day by yourself nothing stopping u from treating u.

In a previous relationship he would ruin every one of my birthdays, disappear to the pub and spend all day getting drunk, leaving me to cook dinner and then come home and verbally abuse me and worse, never got an apology and have since come to realise he’s a narcissist. I’m now married to a great man, we often don’t buy each other gifts, but he will make me a birthday cake or we will take a family day out (no babysitters so we don’t get to do anything together, which is often the cause of arguments). I realised last year that I now ruin all my birthdays, I can’t tolerate them, I’m phobic of them, always expecting something awful to happen.

I understand that invisible feeling too well, you deserve better. I’d stop bothering getting him gifts or taking him out and ask him to contribute more to the kids.

Hahahahaha!

Dump him Op

do not wait for your daughters to be settled that could take years and you only get one life

put yourself first

Any daughter of me that told everyone I should be grateful for that pitiful show from my husband would get a rightful mouthful I can tell you

who does she think she is?!

This is so lovely 🥰

what a miserable bastard he is - liberate yourself by cancelling his Christmas.

Also your pension pots could be construed as assets so you could end up with more money.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this around your birthday OP, but I’m sure it can’t be the first one where you’ve felt unappreciated. I know you didn’t ask for advice other than about your birthday itself, but it seems to run much deeper than his comment about the alcohol. I’m assuming you have separate finances already, so if he has disposable income & you don’t these really need reassessing. Bills/mortgage/groceries etc should be split according to a fair percentage of your incomes if they’re not already & the first thing I’d be doing after your birthday is telling your DH that you both need to put aside money into a fund for things that the DCs need so it’s more evenly split & much fairer between you & then I’d be budgeting my own money to start building a fuck off fund. Even if you don’t use it, it’ll help you feel like you have more freedom in the long run!

Sounds like your daughter is a piece of work too.

I would be downing tools and making the little madam and her father feel the chilly winds of me doing fxxk all for either of them.

I'd suggest a treat where you are away from home for at least 24 hours and leave miseryguts to his own devices. Perhaps a note to say, 'I wanted to feel special for just one day so I am enjoying my birthday without you, get your miserly dinner at the chip shop.'

I know it's a bit childish, tit for tat and all that, but do not treat him again.

I find this post a bit weird. It's not about how much you spend, it's the thought. It doesn't matter if he spends £10, if it's a thoughtful present. Don't spend £100 on him then, if he doesn't want to spend that much. Agree an amount you will both stick to. It's more hurtful if someone does not put thought into it.

However, you are encouraging him not to put any effort in by buying things yourself and booking your own birthday meal. It's basically giving the message that it's ok or expected that he does nothing. Next time, DO NOTHING. Make sure he knows you are not going to do it yourself. Give him a chance to get/sort something out. Then if he doesn't, don't get mad, get sad in front of him.

Cancelling the meal because he asked about drinks was a bit dramatic. Maybe you are not well off? Can you both/he afford a big meal? I don't know the context.

Is he like this over just birthdays, or uncaring in general. If in general, you don't have a birthday problem, you have a marriage issue that needs addressing. If just birthdays, maybe they weren't a big deal in his upbringing?

My dh and I don't spend loads of make a big fuss over birthdays, but we usually do something thoughtful....big breakfast in bed, etc.

I think you've missed some of the OPs posts?

Correct......

For me you have to tell him how he’s made you feel, how this instance is representative of others. Spell it out, highlight the difference in how he views discretionary spending when it’s his priorities vs yours, and that you don’t want to, WON’T spend the next 20 years/ remainder of your days feeling like this, and something has to change.

Write it out in a letter if that’s easier.

Better than than the ongoing feeling of resentment and unloved. I would love to take you out for a meal and a drink - don’t suppose you’re in South Manchester?!? 😘. Big hugs OP.

This is awesome! Me too, except I'm on the other side of the world. FOMO to missing the party.... Honestly OP find new friends to go out with and have a bloody ball! F him.

Where do you live? I’ll take you out.

I hope OP is ok.

Feel your pain, no one every bothers for my birthday either, never had a birthday party as a child either, not bothered for one as an adult. Son and wife suggested Iceland last year as a weekend away so I booked it for the weekend of my birthday and we went in the Blue Lagoon for my 50th. Best birthday ever, even though 90% of the planning was by me, but I will hold onto the memory forever. Had covid on my birthday the year before ! It’s very annoying when you make the fort buying presents for family cause you know what they like, to be told, ‘your so difficult to buy for ‘ er no you can’t be arse to make the effort x

My husband wasn't arsed about Christmas or birthdays and it did piss me off that he didn't care, but I used to buy myself stuff with his money and he was fine about that. He wasn't tight, just lazy.

I realise this is an old threat from the summer but i just wanted to say I hope you had a lovely birthday and that you're feeling happier now bunnyfuller.
And I hope Christmas goes well...

Deffo go out by yourself and enjoy yourself or maybe see if a friend is free.

Oh! Just read the above post. This is an old thread. Ah well, hope you had a happy birthday!