To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

Do you share finances? If do, why does he decide what’s worth spending money on and what isn’t?

Awww @sweatervest what a lovely thing to say. I’m Northants

Don’t get him anything. So what if he gets in a mood? It’s the consequence to his actions.

Are you hoping he’ll change?

This. Why does he have money to spend on what he wants and you don't have money to spend on what you want?

The lack of birthday effort is, I suspect, a symptom of a more deep-seated problem. It's easy to address though - rather than spending £100 on his next birthday, just get him a cheap card and earmark the money for something for you. If he sulks, he sulks - who cares?

Awww you sound so upset and pissed off @Bunnyfuller If I were you I really would consider booking a long weekend away. If you have a passport, book a trip abroad. Or even just a few days at your closest seaside resort, and just have a few walks around the beach, and the local shops.

And as a pp said, STOP BUYING HIM ANYTHING. He sounds awful sorry. I would really struggle to stay in a marriage with someone like this.

All the best ... 😘

This must sting and I think the reply above about being hurt that his first thought was "what's the wine costing"
Why is it ok for money to go in road bikes and not a doll? Is he the next Bradley Wiggins? If not then his bike is no less deserving. Meanness is an awful trait along with thoughtlessness
I say this as someone whose DH got her wine on Mother's Day at 10pm Saturday - I'd given up wine for lent - then drank it two days later and didn't replace it
Now if he'd even chosen all my faves from pic and mix, I'd have known he cares. But he doesn't.
If you're NW I'll take you out and you can drink what you like as long as I can too!!!

💐 OP I get it, I really do. He is not just tight, he is selfish and unloving.
What do you think will happen instead on your birthday??

Unfortunately you said he's always been the same. What makes you think he's ever going to change? It's sad that he won't treat you though but it will always be this way if this is just how he is.

You are worth it how dare he. Can you go out with your children instead?

This thread is absolutely MN doing what it can, thank you.

just trying to think of something that won’t make me feel like a loser and doesn’t cost ££££

I think YABU to cancel. Go yourself. Have the cocktails and the fizz. You can afford it since you won't be paying for his meal. Life is too short. It sounds like he's got into the habit of raining on your parade. Don't let him

Tell him you are having booze but he can have tap water if he wants to save a few quid.

My birthday will be the same as any other day. Then DH will have a fit of guilty and suggest some last minute shite to make up for it (cheap last minute shite).

if I decline the kids will say I’m being petty, and should be grateful and ‘stop dwelling’.

my bday is the BH so not the easiest day to do something last minute. As I said, my friends don’t have the funds or freedom to do anything with.

Yes, and he can drive.

A night at the cinema (take wine in!)? The theatre? A hotel with a book and room service? I hope you have a happy birthday regardless. You deserve much better than this treatment!

Something is seriously missing here.

You say you have less money because you spend on the DCs. Are they not his DC? I thought you said they were teenagers and you’ve been with your husband for 21 years? Why isn’t he spending on the DC?

I know it’s becoming the cancel thé chèque of this thread but DO. YOU. HAVE. SEPARATE. FINANCES.

Because this makes it sound like: you have separate finances and yours are depleted because he pays nothing for the DC. Is this correct?

I would have just said that’s fine dear you don’t drink and then you can drive... my hubby isn’t the best with birthday or Christmas pressies- he’s forgotten once and I played havoc ... never forgets his family though... I wasn’t amused and it cost him a lot

oops that followed on from BlueBlell

Arrange a nice night out with some friends instead?

Christ! Where are you? I'll buy you a cake and a bottle of fizz!

Treat him to a Big Mac (or a little one, if they do those!)...

Very, very good point.

Nothing more than this.

If he can't change, look at your options. Life is TOO SHORT to feel devalued.

@Bunnyfuller OMG not only is he tight but he is selfish as well!!!

Do you have a friend you can go and celebrate with? I would literally disengage and plan something fabulous with a friend. But maybe dont listen to me as I can be petty.

What sort of things do you like? I feel angry for you. I think it’s the road bike that has pushed me over the edge.

Some lovely messages, I’m teetering. There’s so much more but too detailed and makes me look like a complete fwit because when I see it from other posters I’m all LTB,

LTB so much harder than it is to write 😣

I'm nowhere near northants but I'd take you out too