To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

Even if you can't do it for you I think you need to push back to show your daughters what a healthy relationship looks like before they end up with miserable gits too. You deserve someone who at least tries!

I would tell him instead of going out you would like x that costs equivalent to the gift and meal you spent on him.

Preferably either something you love or something that will retain its value in case ever need funds.

From now just keep finances in focus. Start paying him and the DC token gifts because you "can't afford it ask Dad". All the stuff teens ask for - well I can only afford half ask Dad to fund the other half.

Start being financially savvy and ensure that you contribute to ALL family costs proportional to your income. Bloody put your pension contributions up a san investment to yourself or start putting money into an escape fund.

OP, how old are your teenagers? Surely they can't be as dense as him on this issue? Can you appeal to their conscience and better judgement? Don't hold back. Tell them you feel really sad approaching your 55th birthday and you feel unloved and you want someone to take some initiative to show they care. Surely they would understand this. They must recognise all you do for them. Teens can be thoughtless sometimes, but I do think if you tell them honestly how you are feeling they will hear you.

If I was you, I’d order just myself a takeaway & open a bottle of bubbles!
Next year on his birthday, I’d give him a card ONLY! He needs to feel under appreciated & hurt, he’s got no reason do anything nice for you while you’re treating him like a king on his birthday. Selfish prick!

Classy response.Not at all.Sorry for any offence caused.

Bunnyfuller · Today 20:44

The one year I did go more modest on Christmas for him he was in a right mood.

I work full time the same as him, but I prob spend too much on the DCs

Are they only your dcs?Do you have a joint account for anything ?

Tbh it sounds like his tightness extends to everyone but himself , is he caring towards you at all ? Some people stand by "it's the thought that counts" but it really doesn't sound as though he gives gifts or celebrations for you any thought . I think its time for you to consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this misery guts

Why be so rude just because a man posted?

Anyway ..... back to OP....

Has he ever bought you a birthday gift OP?

Sex has nothing to do with it, I would say (and have said) the same to anyone clearly on a wind up mission.

Do you have any access to money at all?

if not- you’ve bigger problems

if so, I’d be quietly booing myself into a nice hotel for a couple of nights. Taking myself off somewhere nice for a couple of days visiting, have a couple of nice lunches out with booze. And then buying myself my own present.

I’d not tell anyone where I was going in the family, maybe a friend who you prime secretly with your location in case of emergency . And then disappear.

Send husband a text on the day to say he’s in charge of kids etc and you’ll leave home to it. And see him late the next day, that’s it. Don’t prep anything for when you’re gone.

do the thing you’ve always wanted to

quite frankly if needed put it on a credit card. You matter. It is a predictable event that you’ll feel miserable on your birthday if left to others. Change that- your birthday becomes about you doing what you want to do and making yourself happy with what you do- even if it is staying in PJs all day in the hotel, ordering room service and with a tablet watching box set!

And, as you say, back to the OP......

Guilt followed by a last minute attempt to make it up the OP posted earlier so I am guessing forecourt flowers and a takeaway (basing that on my ex husbands pathetic attempts.....note EX). For my 30th he ordered a lawn mower because "we need a new one".

In life you get what you deserve (or that can also read, you get what you put up with).
Tell your DH you are going for a nice meal for your birthday, he can join or not. Book a nice restaurant (that you can afford) and go and have 3 courses, drinks and push the boat out. You are worth it. Next year do the same.......

My sympathy OP my OH is also a tight wad. On holiday at the moment and I am astounded he actually agreed to eat out rather than self catering.
I usually organise my own birthday "celebrations" and just tell him, this what we're doing.

Book a night out with a friend!

I meant what i said .No wind up "mission" here

OP, you deserve to be happy. If you can’t leave now, please start to gather info about finances and pensions etc.

I would stop spending money on him as well. His birthdays and Christmas are irrelevant to you now. If he goes moody and horrible. Then good- let him. Give the fucker a taste of his own medicine.

Remember that you are worth much better than this.

If you are anywhere near York I’ll come for a meal with you @Bunnyfuller.

You may not be in a position to end the relationship but you deserve to have a wonderful birthday despite your DH.

I hear you and I feel for you

Ah @PyongyangKipperbang you must have been therefor the Christmas saucepans…

I dunno what I will do but I’m feeling like this worm has finally turned…

my biggest issue is my anxiety ridden teens….I wish I had been brave when they were teeny and had no views/loud opinions!

Why you still with him? He sounds awful.

I would be pissed off, but mostly just desperately sad that he doesn’t want to make any effort.

If you don’t want to leave / aren’t in a position to leave him, you need to now put yourself first. You don’t have to make any grand statements.

Just quietly take care of yourself a bit more - do more of what makes you happy and less of what makes him happy. Maybe plan your exit buy saving a small amount regularly. You deserve to be happy, and if the person you are in a relationship isn’t willing to spoil you, then it’s down to you to spoil yourself a little.

Its worrying that your daughters are so supportive of him though. How on earth did that happen?

Please do not buy this man any more presents - and if you feel you have to for the sake of your daughters then buy him a pack of socks, or the cheapest chocolates you can find. Don’t make any effort for a
man who isn’t willing to make any effort for you.

god what a tightwad. Once a year and you had to book it yourself.

I don't blame you for cancelling.

I'd take yourself off to a nice hotel for the night and if you're not comfortable having a meal on your own, have a gorgeous late lunch then watch a film.

You're only 55 can you tolerate another 25 years of this

OP, from your updates it sounds as if the problems with your husband run deeper than his meanness / lack of effort on birthdays etc. But you could also look at it this way - make 55 a turning point in your life. Start prioritising yourself. You NEED to start taking care of yourself. If you truly believe he is a lost cause, filter him out as far as humanly possible. Protect yourself. Start doing things you enjoy - step by step. Doesn't have to be anything major. Go for walks. Leave them all to it. Go for a nice coffee somewhere and read. Take up a new hobby. Join a club or something. Make space for YOU. If you don't consciously make space for yourself, nobody else will. Make 55 the year of the pushback. Sod him and all he stands for. Honestly life is too short. Start taking back. You deserve it as much as anyone.

@J0y no, but I think I can stand 5 more, when the mortgage is not v much and significant equity in house - enough for me to buy something outright.

ironically from my original house purchase then a fuck off huge redundancy payout

Mine forgot one year FB reminded him I was steaming. Got dressed make up nice clothes. He said where are you going. I said Cheshire oaks shopping. He said I'll take you. He did. I fell in love with a coach handbag said I'll have this for my birthday. He coughed up. Then we had lunch at cafe rouge lots of wine. A lot more shopping. It was a good day. If expensive. So now every year I go there on my birthday. I have three coach bags now from him 😁

He's never forgotten since.

Don't get upset @Bunnyfuller get mad

Its worrying that your daughters are so supportive of him though. How on earth did that happen?

From what the OP posted, probably because the only way that Daddy is nice is when Daddy is kept happy. They have learned how to walk on eggshells from an early age. They are literally saying to the OP "Please dont piss him off or we will all suffer".