To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

He sounds like a right one.

55 is not age to hang around though. Get on the phone to the divorce solicitors and get him on his bike!

@Bunnyfuller Just be prepared for the fact that you may not make the 5 years. Once the scales have fallen from our eyes, we find it very difficult to keep up the pretence. Once I realised just how bad my ex was it was months and every single day of those months was hard.

When we see the real them without the excuses we have made for them all those years, you dont get indifferent, you get angry. And every single time they are selfish and thoughtless you get even more angry. Thats why there are people out there who say "My husband/wife left me because I forgot our anniversary! How petty is that?!" because they simply cannot see that it was the final straw.

So bearing that in mind, maybe start thinking about Plan B, as I cant help thinking that Plan A is a wee bit optimistic and may end with a new patio and prison sentence 😉

Fucking awful, I couldn’t live like this. I am lucky enough to have a DH who is incredibly thoughtful and generous. You deserve better op.

Or perhaps as a birthday present to yourself, why not book yourself in to see a counsellor and begin the process of change.

It was only through seeing a counsellor I was able to end my horrendous relationship with a previous ex.

The counsellor kept me on track and FREED ME.

Without that counsellor I'd probably still be with him or probably in a loony bin, no joke. He was a bastard.

But yes, that would be a sound investment in your future and just for you, no one else. You'll be amazed how you turn things around.

But find a good one. You get a free trial session with most of them. The first one may not be the best. Don't be afraid to go to a few more sessions. Once you find the right one - well you'll know and you'll be on your way to a new you and new life.

LTB.

Alternatively, don't get mad, get even.
Why does he have spare to buy a bike and you don't? Sounds like there's some unequal household financing going on there. Do you have joint money and separate money? Surely the things for the kids should come from joint money?

Out tightwad him while you save for your next place!

It is overpriced but it's your birthday!! He sounds a misery to be honest.

Sorry to hear what is going on and it seems he spends on himself and likes to drink himself. Is he controlling towards you also as seems so. Sorry that you have to book things and would just like someone to spoil you for once and him and his first comment would also have put me right off. I would buy some treats for yourself and have a good movie and lock bedroom with a few drinks and treats and tell him to fuck off. Am in peri menopause so my patience and intolerance not good, used to be a walk over but have changed and stayed single. Do not waste your life on someone if you are not happy as it grounds you down so much and it is always hard to think of changing your life but once you get through it all you would think I should have done it sooner. Sending big hugs and hope you are ok xx

100% this!

Do not cook for him on your birthday. I would ignore him for the day and make such a strong point on it and do not usually agree with sulking but he needs to realize what he does.

Even if he booked a table now, could you really eat without choking, looking across at that miserable miserly sod.
See if there are any lunchtime music recitals near you. These can be so soothing and uplifting.
I wish you many happy returns and hope you can end this agony.

Just be blunt and ask for money for your birthday. Ask him what he was planning to spend on a gift and dinner, to be transferred to you. Take yourself out for the day. Shop, eat, read, whatever you enjoy at his expense and in your own relaxing company. Phone on silent.

Op you don’t have to live like this for another 5 years. All parents are worried and feel guilty abi it the kids for splitting up but what really nailed it for me was - what kind of example of a relationship am I setting my kids? They are watching and they are learning how relationships are. I didn’t want them to se their mum being treated unfairly and controlled and accused and think that was acceptable.

When my daughter was being treated badly by her ex boyfriend, I told her that she should only ever be with someone who treats her well, who respects and loves her and vice versa. It would have been really hard for me to say with any conviction or for her to believe it if she had seen me continually putting up with what I did with her father.

She sees the man I’m with now who is kind, loving, respectful, shops and cooks etc . We don’t live together but when he’s here and she’s here, she can see what a relationship should be like.

Don’t wait until you’re 60 to leave him. You deserve more and your children deserve more. Don’t let your limiting belief make you think otherwise.

And start by shopping or joining a gym or a class or going for a massage or whatever you fancy doing for your birthday without that miserly selfish prick.

It's partly your fault because he has got away without paying because you have enabled his behaviour by cancelling.
I would have gone still and ordered exactly what I wanted alcohol too if that's what I wanted and made him pay.
He is doing this because he knows he will get what he wants, call him out and say you don't have to have alcohol if you don't want it, but if I want it I will have it and you will pay for what we have had, it's my birthday end of story. X

My response to the "hope you're getting spoilt" messages would be "nope, as per usual, no one is making any effort for my birthday".

Tbh, he sounds like my ex
And yes, he’s an “ex” and frankly should have been one sooner, He was another one who would spend thousands on a new pushbike, but nothing on my birthday.
put yourself first, and treat yourself, because you’re worth it

OP, you share a birthday with me!

Please think about your worth - you are worth so much more than this....and I'm talking about thought, respect and say in your relationship. You are also much stronger than you know, much more resilient in battle and more ready than you know to cope with change.

Your daughters will benefit from a strong role model, even if they do not know itin the short term.
💐

OP if i was your friend i would take you out for lunch and i would buy all the booze you could drink.

I'm really sorry, that's shit. I couldn't be with somebody like that. There is nothing less attractive than a tight arse. Buy yourself something lovely and some nice food and fizz. Fuck him 🙈

So you have friends but they can't afford to come out with you? Well that's easily sorted, leave H at home and treat one of your mates instead. No way would I sit at a table with him.
He is showing you how much you mean to him. 😥

What a nob. Take yourself for a spa day on the joint account, or something else expensive that you will enjoy. Buy the antique doll you want!

Work towards your goal plan and get advise and get all in place and you may be able to kick his ass out sooner. I would be sleeping in spare room and living my own best life. Take up a small hobby, walking groups weekends, gym or something and it will get you out doing something for you. Things will get better but do nothing for him in house, let him do his own washing, cooking, and be angry as you have put up with it long enough. Gets to a point when you seem to be doing it all and thinking of everyone else and no one does the same back that something has to change. I would even go to a hotel for a night as others have suggested and make a point to him.

I'm so sorry OP, this is so sad.
I wish we were friends and lived close to each other so I could take you for a treat for your birthday ♥️

Next time on his birthday, tell him you're treating him to dinner out...then take him to McDonald's 😁