Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

[jsmith1234]

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

I'm so sorry, OP, but I actually laughed out loud when I read this part:

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé.

I was like, clearly not been much on Mumsnet before - they are not going to say that! They are going to say LTB, he's a useless manchild.

And I was right! And they are right.

Maybe this boy will eventually mature into a decent man who has the capacity to be a good father but please don't waste your life waiting around to find out. The more his awful behaviour is validated as acceptable, the less likely he is to ever achieve adulthood. You'd probably be doing him a favour if you left him and you'd definitely be doing yourself a favour.

Any chance for you to leave him with the baby for a couple of hours? May help him understand how hard this is? At this point he probably labelled you as the nag so nothing will say will help. Good luck whatever you choose to do x

He doesn’t work, he is on universal credit. He has had a variety of jobs but gets fed up and quits.

What a deadbeat worthless bit of shit he is. Don't you have any self respect? Why would you want to marry such a deadbeat loser who has such bad work ethic and doesn't want to provide for his family? This thing you are with is completely worthless. Absolutely worthless and useless. Forget the baby and gym if he got fed up with work and chose to chuck in jobs, I would have walked long ago. I have far, far too much respect for myself as a woman and human being than be with a bludger . Where is your self respect. And considering he 'gets fed up and quits', well, that seems to be his motto in life doesn't it? He got 'fed up' with being a parent and just....quit. He lets you do it all. He is a no hoper deadbeat bludging pos, surely you see that. Get some self respect and chuck him in the gutter where he belongs. Find yourself a real man, one who will provide for his family and put you and a baby first.

Also I am surprised no one else has said this, but are you really, really sure he is going to the gym for 3 hours every day? Given his utter lack of any morals I would not be surprised if he never goes near the gym but is seeing someone else. In fact, I doubt he is going to the gym. Or if he does, he goes for like, half an hour then goes to another woman's house the rest of the time. Regardless, he is worthless bludging garbage. Know your worth and throw him back in the gutter.

He’s immature and selfish. Perhaps he simply can’t cope with being a father due to this immaturity, or perhaps he could cope but just doesn’t want to. Whichever it is, it’s not good.

Ignore the crap he says about you being controlling - you’re not. If I was you, I’d be looking into leaving him. Check out what financial help you’d receive and make sure you’re confident about that and sorted first. You won’t lose his help because he’s not really helping you anyway. You say he helped after the birth but it sounds like he can’t deal with the ongoing needs of a baby.

Prioritise yourself and your child. Focus on that. Look to the future. Don’t bother factoring him in at all.

Novonite has picked up your thread. He obviously is avoiding being a family unit and if he isn’t working what is he contributing to yours and your babies life. He should be doing any job to provide for his family sounds like he doesn’t have any health issues if he is weight lifting 6 days a week so what is stopping him?

Unfortunately you have had a baby with an arsehole. It sounds like the best course of action would be to separate.

This.

In my experience, so many male partners seem only to properly understand the situation once they are left in charge, alone.

Then again, I also know others who still shirk from child-rearing duties despite having been left alone with the kids. It's like they are just unable or unwilling to accept that children can be 'inconvenient' and emotionally demanding, so they just run away instead of adapting.

My theory is that if men, when they are children themselves, are not raised to understand and deal with their own emotions, they cannot handle the weight and responsibility of dealing with the (mainly emotional) needs of a child (or often anyone else). They run away and have no insight into why they are running away (this could also have something to do with your partner's inability to hold down a job).

Would couples counselling be an option for you both?

I think one thing I've learned with age and maturity is that it's really important to know in your own mind what you are prepared to tolerate in terms of other people's behaviour and what you aren't. Boundaries are healthy.

For me, a partner is someone who loves you unconditionally, supports you unconditionally even when they know you're in the wrong, and does whatever little things that they can to make your life better. If someone isn't doing any of this, then you're essentially alone anyway.

I think you need to decide what you are prepared to accept, and walk away if needs be.

This is completely irrelevant.

You can't possibly actually have a relationship with this guy. You share a house and thats it. You don't even share parenting.

Why waste your life on him?

I think the gym is a red herring. If he was out at work all day and then going to the gym for 2/3 hours every evening (which was my initial impression) then he would absolutely be in the wrong, but that isn't the case as he isn't working and THAT is the real problem.
If your'e both not working at the moment and I assume you are still on maternity leave, then I see nothing wrong with taking it in turns to get out of the house and do something for yourself whilst the other person looks after the baby. In fairness to your fiance , it sounds like he has encouraged you to do this.
I do however think that your fiance needs to step up and get a job and start providing for your child financially. If he shows no willingness to do this you need to show him the door.

Please don't marry him.

Don't get into a situation where he cares for baby while you work. He's not fit and will end up getting custody if you split. You could end up paying for your child to be with him. Go now.

OP has fucked off, I see. Like with almost all these depressing threads, she’ll likely be back in a year having produced another kid to be burdened with this piece of crap for a ‘father’.

@Spohn

It really is depressing. I just wish some women would value themselves a bit more.

He’s bringing precisely nothing to the relationship. Doesn’t work? What is the point of him? How does he afford the gym? Think I’d have serious words with his parents about how he’s treating you (because he sounds like a child!) and I wouldn’t be doing a thing for him, no cooking, washing, definitely no sex!

With the added but I thought he’d change if we got married. I thought he’d change after another baby.

From the NHS: When do babies start teething? Some babies are born with their first teeth. Others start teething before they are 4 months old, and some after 12 months. But most babies start teething at around 6 months.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/teething/baby-teething-symptoms/#:~:text=When%20do%20babies%20start%20teething,teething%20at%20around%206%20months.

I'm a mom; I go to the gym 6 days a week myself. My little one goes to the childcare in my gym. My time at the gym is a mental decompression, and I "come back" to motherhood with much more vigor and a better attitude. The gym doesn't interfere with my role as a mother.

The problem isn't that your man goes to the gym. Your man's general attitude seems to be the problem. I guarantee, gym or no gym, he'll still help ZERO with the little one.

He isn’t being paid Universal Credit to go to the gym all day, he is supposed to be looking for a job and would’ve made an official commitment to do so.

sorry - he’s a loser. You could try couples therapy or just sack him off. He is dead weight and contributing nothing. You have enough on your plate - why are you making your situation harder? What would a typical day look like without him?

Unlikely though. I will be surprised if the OP returns.

Try reading your letter again. This time put "her" in everytime it says "him". If you do that anyone would agree she was the worse mother ever. In fact most of us could not even imagine a mother like her. She sounds like those mothers who end up in a chrime magazine.Why is it some thinks it is ok for guys to act like this? And what would it help if you went to fitness with him? Or got a hobby? Then who would take care of the baby every day? No man would put up with a wife who spend 2-3 hours a day away from the house to do her hobby. You tell him:" ok I found a hobby, so I will be gone out of house everyday for 2-3 hours were YOU babysit" and then go visit family or frienda without him and the baby. I bet it will take him 2 days before he starts begging you to stay home everyday.

OP is unmarried and has significant issues with her DP.

The single most important thing she can do now is return to work as soon as the paid weeks of maternity leave end, and ensure she does not become financially vulnerable and dependent on her partner. Because it really doesn't sound as if he's either up for it or up to it.

No man would put up with a wife who spend 2-3 hours a day away from the house to do her hobby.

That's pretty much what happens to every man married to a horse owner. They seem to deal with it. I mean I agree this man is a deadbeat, but that analogy doesn't work.