Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

[jsmith1234]

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

Allegedly training 2 to 3 hours a day, 6 days a week sounds ridiculous, unsustainable and not even believable for someone who lifts.
Is he really going to the gym?

He doesn’t work, he is on universal credit. He has had a variety of jobs but gets fed up and quits. I worked up until 36 weeks as a care assistant aswell as going to university. The thing is I probably wouldn’t complain as much if he worked and provided financially, but I forked out for the pram and majority of things myself. He rarely contributes to milk, nappies or wipes.

He won't change.

You are essentially a single parent already. What difference will leaving make?

He is a child.

Good luck, OP. I wish you and your son well. You both deserve better.

Why isn't he working and financially contributing to your child's needs?

I would want a better quality fiance than that.

Sorry OP he doesn’t want to be part of family life and doesn’t respect you. You’re both young but he sounds really immature and a dickhead, I can’t see this lasting. I would throw him out and claim every penny of maintenance. More work for you in the long run if you stay with this waste of space. You’re young you have your whole life to find someone who treats you with respect.

So you fund him? Why? And why are you thinking to marry him?

you should break up immediately - how on earth are you managing to pay for him?

Why isn't he working and financially contributing to your child's needs?

And also, how the hell is he funding the gym?!

Sounds like his parents are trying to pacify you by buying stuff, their loyalty really lies with him, they’d allowed him to become what he is but you don’t need to put up with it. I can’t see what he’s bringing to the table apart from more work for you. You need that energy and money for yourself and your son.

Isn't this what MN calls a 'cock lodger'?

He sounds completely and utterly useless.

There's no shortage of jobs at the moment and no excuse for him not stepping up.

You already have one child, he's just another one you have to look after. Do you have support around you? Is your home in your name?

Tell him you have got a baby sitter and you are going to be joining him at the gym. 6x days a week.

Does anyone else ever read about these men and wonder how the OP managed to have sex with such an absolute wanker in the first place?

You'd be 100% better off on your own.

Definitely kick him out op. And whatever you do, don't have any more kids with him!

My husband still went to the gym when we had our babies but it didn’t matter because he was/
is an amazing hands on father. The gym isn’t the issue tbh- it’s the fact he doesn’t financially support you and doesn’t take on any of the practical load of having a baby.
tbh though OP, I’m very sorry for you but every sign was there- he clearly never had a steady job, he told you he didn’t want children.
i would apply for financial support for your child and move on from this “relationship” it’s a dead horse.

Isn't this what MN calls a 'cock lodger'?

^* your life will be much easier as a single parent. Get rid of him and get yourself to uni.

He did have a stable job at one point and he did want children, just not early in life, it was unplanned however he was excited.

How long is a stable job? Exactly he didn’t want to give up his freedom and guess what, he’s not going to.

Urgh. You and your baby deserve better than this. What benefits does he bring to you, or your child? Honestly you need to have some strength here and tell him to go back to his Mums!

He sounds dreadful - my DH was considerably older than him but managed to work full time, commute 10 hours a week, spend at least 3 hours a day looking after DD in the evening to give me a break AND did all the cleaning!

We had a conversation early on about how much 'free' time we both had which resulted in me going out to a craft group one evening a week to have more of a break from baby. Could you suggest taking it in turns with him so you both get a break?

He sounds like a complete and utter selfish waste of space. Look after yourself and your baby. xx

Has he got no self respect? He sounds awful.
You’re obviously a bright, articulate woman - you deserve better. Tell him to go.

Will you at least rethink going ahead with a wedding?

You really need to raise your bar. Whether he’s playing computer games 10 hours a day or going to the gym every night, he’s a lazy fuck who doesn’t prioritise you or his child. You can and should do better. Not just for you.

Planned baby or unplanned baby is irrelevant.

You have sex, you know it's a possibility.

Do you really want to be married to a selfish, inconsiderate man child, who doesn't contribute financially, emotionally or in any meaningful way to the lives of you and your child.

Do you have family support? Can you check what benefits you will be entitled for you and your child alone? The gym is only one of the problems, there are many. Do not marry this man. You are more mature, more responsible,more considerate, more hardworking and really want to put your child first. He doesn't, don't saddle yourself with him.

If this is real then I really despair for you.

For some unfathomable reason you have chosen to have a baby with a complete waster.

But you can start making better choices TODAY. He brings NOTHING to your life or that of your child.

I literally don’t understand why you’re still with him.