Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

[jsmith1234]

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

Talk to him
Set some boundaries/rules

Get some time away yourself too

Stop being a victim op. Get your partner to woman up!

Nothing about this is to do with "mental health", are his parents looking for an excuse for him?
Hopefully your child has your surname since you are not married to the biological father.
Don't have another child with him.
Do leave him.
Being a single parent is easier than the situation you are in and it's not like he's helping the financial situation.
Obviously stay close to the paternal grandparents as they sound decent enough.

He's not your "partner". He's a freeloader who accidentally got you pregnant.

What a prince;he doesn't work,spends his time either gaming or out at the gym;has money for games/gym membership but doesn't contribute towards his child,doesn't parent his child.......

You clearly want him to change but he won't;he has no work ethic when it comes to anything;what did you see in him?

He's a cocklodger and this is how the rest of your life is going to be.He has no respect for you.

My friend wasted thirteen years of her life with a entitled work shy computer addict who contributed little to nothing in terms of money,housework or general parenting.Her life was hard and miserable.She ended things and went on to meet a new partner who's a hardworking man who does housework and spends time with their joint DC and her children.

I know you probably won't want to hear this but I'd kick him out and get on with being a true single parent (you are one anyway) and get back to university and make a life for yourself and your son. If he wants some custody then your son could visit with his parents there too.

Dump the worthless trash. You’re already there in all but name only, you’d be insane to marry this deadbeat. He’s just the bog standard embarrassment everyone dates when they’re young and looks back and cringes. Sadly yours will burden you for life.

@procrastinator8 maybe they voted she’s being unreasonable for not dumping the loser already, calling him a ‘partner’ 😂 or parenting as ‘helping’.
(I don’t vote on threads)

You’ve picked a duff one there. No shame in it, you are very young and should have the strength to admit you made a mistake and walk away from this useless sperm donor.

If you stay with him this will be your life. No money, constantly resentful, pretty much a single parent anyway. What is the point of him ?

I stopped reading after you said that prior to the gym he had been gaming 9-10 hours a day.

Yet you still chose to have a child with him.

These threads are so bloody depressing.

When will women wise up and realise they can't "change" an utter arsehole?

I despair.............

You can’t change him, and the point is, you shouldn’t have to try. You’re not his mother. this is what he is. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Don’t spend years with someone like this who will drag you down. Get out now, for your son’s sake too.

Honestly, he is never going to be what you want him to be so end it now.

You're already a single parent. Kick him out.

He isn't interested in you or your baby. He doesn't work and no doubt you are funding his lifestyle. He's an immature child. You are wasting your time on him.

He's your fiance?!!!

Do not marry him.

I think it's the issue if it's 3hrs x 6 times a week!

As you say, previously he was gaming 9-10 hours a day, and can't seem to hold down a job. The gym sessions are really just another aspect of him doing as he pleases.

I am a mom of 3 who enjoys working out. Even after my children were born, when I could get back to the gym, I went.

Why not ask him to just go during nap time ? Or he goes to the gym, goes home and takes over so you can do what you want? Why does he have to give it up just because he's a father? I am so glad my husband took over soni could go for my runs and I still workout at least 1 hour each day.

You just have to help each other out. He works out and you watch the baby and then you do what you want after he gets home?

YABU @jsmith1234 because in some cultures this is what guys normally do, they do what they please. We women suffer, always has been that way since caveman times.

@Therealjudgejudy

"These threads make me totally despair. So many woman that are total doormats and have such a low bar for relationships and their children
And Another workshy manchild."

This ^

My heart hurts for you. You are so young and this is not something at your age you should be dealing with. It’s so incredibly sad.

I wish you the best OP. You are still young enough where the wise words said here will likely fall of deaf ears. If you have the ability please see that so many women have been through things and seen them as well, this man isn’t for keeps.

You decided to have this child. Ok. But you don’t need to waste anything more needlessly on a man who isn’t going to show up for you. Because you deserve that.You deserve a man who loves you and shows up.

you are young and I hope you can continue on with your studies. I think when you get a bit older you’ll be ahead of the game. But this man isn’t the focus, he is coming off a real loser to be honest.

He is a gym rat without a job. What a loser! It’s embarrassing!!! I hope he’s actually been at the gym as well…. It doesn’t take more that an hour to train when you do it 6 days a week. I’d be suspicious.

Whatever it is, I hope you see your worth and raise up for you and your child. He doesn’t “help” his ass has an obligation to his own child.

Lastly, I’m willing to bed he is not asking you knees shake on a constant bases. I’m willing to bet he isn’t bringing it in the bedroom. I’m willing to bet you get no ro ace as well. No flowers or anything.

You deserve romance and a good sex life. He will forever be I. Your life due to your shared child. However, you are able to find someone who is so much better. Sometimes better is even not having him around to disappoint you.

Lots of love and I am so sorry and sad you’re in this situation.

I’m sorry your partner is being such a dick. My DH stopped going to the gym when our DC were born. Used to be regular, but priorities change when you have kids. He only stated going back when DC we’re about a year old and even then it was around the kid’s needs.

My ex is a working city professional. His clients don’t actively engage with him after 6pm. Before the birth of our children, he was home at the same time every night, on a particular train - 6:50pm - for more than 4 years straight. The moment our child was born and when I declared I would be keeping a routine of baby bedtime at 7pm, he then made a point of staying in the office and returning each night on a later train after 7:30pm. Once baby had been settled by me and was asleep.

Your partner’s actions are common amongst many men. He has checked out of his responsibility towards supporting you and sharing equally the responsibilities for raising your child.

Many a man has suddenly become interested in gym / cycling / any another healthy hobby the moment a child comes along and then claims the female partner is being controlling when she asks he more equitably share his time taking care of said child / children.

I doubt your situation will get better. I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are definitely not BU, and in fact I’d be asking / demanding he contribute much much more.

Ask yourself if you really love this man- enough to spend the rest of your life with him. If the answers no - ditch him.

YANBU. It sounds like if you left him you'd be no worse off really. You'd only have you and your baby to look after, rather than doing the housework for two adults. If you've already spoken to him and he won't compromise at all, and do his fair share, this does not bode very well at all for your relationship, and the impact on you going forward. I honestly would just leave.

These posts about him being an a-hole are empathetic but not helpful. Maybe he is one but it sounds like you're both VERY young and have a beautiful new human life to raise. If you feel unsafe, then yes leaving immediately to get safe is the right answer. Otherwise, seeking therapy to understand each other better could be more helpful first. He is human too and likely was this way even before the baby came. Your body went through way more trauma than his physically but mentally infants can be a VERY scary new task and both of you have to grapple with that. Avoidance isn't responsible, but it's a common practice for some when things get hard. If his parents are willing to help babysit, taking time to seek therapy for you both to truly voice each side of your issues, may be more constructive than listening to a load of strangers online quickly snapping to judgement about someone they barely know! Kicking out a parent for being a flawed human is not always the best decision for the child. If you suggest therapy and he still won't try to hash it out, then at least you gave him a chance to say his piece in neutral territory. You shouldn't be made to feel this way and some boundaries need to be set. This isn't the same as threatening an ultimatum and again, should be approached rationally. Write down exactly what you want from him, when, and how often. Let him respond. If it's not enough, then seek out therapy for yourself and let a LICENSED professional help you decide. Not these strangers dear. Best of luck. Genuinely rooting for your happiness... because well-adjusted parents are more likely to raise happy healthy well-adjusted children!

You call him your fiance. Do you intend to marry him?

Do you live with your boyfriend?

You say he is your partner, are you on his UC claim?