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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

199 replies

jsmith1234 · 21/08/2022 19:44

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

OP posts:
GurningGolfer · 21/08/2022 21:53

Whiskeypowers · 21/08/2022 19:47

He sounds absolutely awful
tne best way to resolve it would be to separate as he is neither a partner nor a father

This.

Don't marry him, kick him out now.

wb3 · 21/08/2022 21:55

Very sorry but this is who he is and he won't change.

mrsbitaly · 21/08/2022 22:04

I think you need to give him a taste of his own medicine. You need to get out of the house for a couple of hours each day even if it's to go for a walk, shopping anything you like. I'm sure he will realise when you start doing the same how hard it actually is

Anywhereelse · 21/08/2022 22:04

He’s shown you who he is and what he thinks of you and your DS. Get rid of him, go back to Uni, and build a new life for you and your DS. He’s despicable.

CactusBlossom · 21/08/2022 22:14

It seems to me you'd be better off taking him back to his mam, he needs looking after as a child. He is playing games or going to the gym as avoidance of stepping up as a father. He's not helping now and he's not going to change.

Voice0fReason · 21/08/2022 22:19

There really is not any hope in hell that this man will change. There is no reason why he should. You do everything, he has no responsibilities and if you complain, he can just have a go at you.

Please get rid of him. You would definitely be better off on your own. Whatever you do, do not marry him. If you think that might make him more committed, you are wrong, it will make him more secure in the knowledge that you will be a doormat, unable to leave.

You deserve SO much better than this.

Daisydoodo · 21/08/2022 22:29

To be honest I would be happy to have a 2-3 hour break from this loser! Why is he not working and providing for you and your son?

Nancydrawn · 21/08/2022 22:29

He seems unsupportive financially, personally, physically, and emotionally.

I wouldn't want to tie my life to someone like that anymore than a child already has.

GalactatingGoddess · 21/08/2022 22:31

You are so young, please don't let this man suck all of your joy and energy.

There are only two viable options:
Option 1: leave him and work on yourself, strengthen your self-esteem and your standards for the future. Don't bring any future man around your child until he has been thoroughly vetted and you know he will contribute positively to your life.
Option 2: Stay, and drain yourself mentally being a single parent to a baby and a man-child. You will never be supported, cared for, truly respected by him. Things will likely escalate until he basically does what he wants whenever he wants and uses you to meet the needs he is interested in/as a prop to show what a great family man he is.

sausageandbeansx · 21/08/2022 22:34

On top of all the other issues here - is he really at the gym? I find it difficult to believe someone would go from 0 to 6 days a week, 3 hours at a time?! That seems insanely unrealistic

DonnyBurrito · 21/08/2022 22:41

So his suggestion of going to the gym together 6 days a week, apart from being something you don't want to do, who exactly does he thinks going to look after the baby while you two are off pumping iron...?

Does he have a learning difficulty perhaps? He sounds like he might.

Summerfun54321 · 21/08/2022 22:43

Let him go to the gym 6 days a week and take the equivalent time a day yourself to do something and let him look after the baby then. You both have loads of time on your hands, he should be able to go to the gym AND be a good parent if he isn’t working.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2022 22:44

Please do not marry him. He will bleed you dry. You and your baby deserve so much more. My dh’s cousin was similar and with a young woman, who was at university. She graduated and stayed with him a little longer all whilst he remained a perpetual child. She dumped him in the end. He still lives with his mother and has never held a job down. He’s mid 40s. He lamented the ending of the relationship for years. We did warn him this would likely happen. But there was no amount of telling him he should or could do something to change at the time or thereafter. His mother is extremely permissive and they are trauma bonded together due to his father being controlling and at times violent. From what you and other people are saying, it sounds as though his parents are not tackling the issue of having a wastrel of a son either.

Bestcatmum · 21/08/2022 22:48

He is a complete waste of space.
I suggest you dump him.

slowquickstep · 21/08/2022 22:51

Beamur · 21/08/2022 19:55

He's checked out of family life.
When is he even home?

I don't think he ever checked in to family life if he has always spent 10 hours a day playing computer games before finding the gym, god knws where he finds the time to go to work.

J0y · 21/08/2022 22:54

You'll be pushing water uphill trying to make a family man out of this gymboy.

Maybe his parents will still be kind and helpful to you after you end it. I'd tell him and then go to see them with the baby shortly after he's told them and reassure them that the baby still needs grandparents and that you would have loved to have had them as INLAWs but just their son wasn't much of a family man and you know enough to know that you can't change people.

RaininSummer · 21/08/2022 22:55

As above, it should be a joint benefit claim. You are risking prosecution for fraud. Also agree that you need to get rid of him as he is a lazy loser. Why isn't he applying for jobs. Getting bored and leaving jobs is pathetic and immature.

Pussycat22 · 21/08/2022 22:55

You've got a right darling there jsmith. Get out NOW.!

bloodyunicorns · 21/08/2022 22:57

What possessed you to have a child with a man-child who can't hold down a job and who's as mature as a five-year-old??

What made you think he'd be a good father?

He sounds awful. Ask him to leave, and get on with things yourself. What a useless twat.

Sapphire387 · 21/08/2022 23:02

I'm not sure why you keep saying he 'helps' sometimes, OP. It's called parenting his own child, not 'helping'. And it sounds like he isn't doing much of it.

Either LTB or take an equal amount of time away and leave him to look after his own child.

abovedecknotbelow · 21/08/2022 23:03

You will be better off without him, in so many ways.

redflowerbluethorns · 21/08/2022 23:10

We went through a very similar situation with the gym when DD was born. DH didn't seem like himself and something wasn't right with him.

Turns out he had the male equivalent of PND.

Fast track to some counselling for us both to open communication back up and get him back on his feet. That was a few years ago now. Once he got better he could see exactly where I was coming from and ditched the gym entirely.

procrastinator8 · 21/08/2022 23:15

JennyForeigner · 21/08/2022 19:51

What an arsehole. Never actually said this on MN before, but LTB. He has no interest in the hard yards; he doesn't deserve the incredible joys of watching a baby grow.

This. YA def NOT BU
cant believe anyone would vote yabu

redflowerbluethorns · 21/08/2022 23:16

Just read the rest of your posts. He does sound very immature and like he perhaps wasn't ready for the realities of fatherhood. He should be contributing financially and helping to raise his baby. Sit down discussion needed IMO. It takes two to tango and he needs to start pulling his weight.

Do you live together OP? If so be careful with UC, that should be a joint claim.

Carlycat · 22/08/2022 01:28

He's a first class twat