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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

199 replies

jsmith1234 · 21/08/2022 19:44

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 23/08/2022 06:42

He sounds like a complete waste of space and utterly useless.
You can do much better, for goodness sake kick him out and get yourself and your baby a decent life.

ReturnfromtheStars · 23/08/2022 06:45

Hi @jsmith1234 just wanted to add how amazing, mature, hardworking & a great mum you sound.

rwalker · 23/08/2022 06:48

The top and bottom is the pregnancy was unplanned he never want a child

RosiePosie27 · 23/08/2022 06:50

JennyForeigner · 21/08/2022 19:51

What an arsehole. Never actually said this on MN before, but LTB. He has no interest in the hard yards; he doesn't deserve the incredible joys of watching a baby grow.

I echo your response. I don’t often agree with people shouting LTB for minor issues but this chap obviously does not want to be a dad. He wants to be young, free and single, much to the detriment of OP and their child.

OliveTreees · 23/08/2022 06:54

These threads are so depressing. He’s obviously completely to blame but I will never understand women who put themselves in such situations by not using contraception properly especially when they know their partner doesn’t want to be a father yet and can’t keep a job! It was never going to end well.

MeridianB · 23/08/2022 06:58

ChrisTrepidation · 22/08/2022 09:20

You're already a single parent. Kick him out.

He isn't interested in you or your baby. He doesn't work and no doubt you are funding his lifestyle. He's an immature child. You are wasting your time on him.

This. Being alone couldn’t possibly be any worse than this. He’s completely absent, refuses to work (!) and so will your finances. You and your son deserve so much better.

It sounds like he gets angry quickly - any chance he’s taking steroids as part of his gym obsession? Either way, is there some help you can get to remove him from the property? Big strong brother or friend?

Iknowforsure1 · 23/08/2022 07:10

It’s so funny? Does he want to be attractive by going to the gym? Because having no work (why he’s not working and getting all this help???), avoiding his baby, or playing 9-10 hours video games sounds as unattractive and disgusting as can be.
He’s not too young at 23. At this age most people eased their children in the past. I held a responsible professional position at this age full time.
He needs to go and you know it OP. He’s no father and he’s no partner.

itsgettingweird · 23/08/2022 07:23

he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby,

Well he maybe less tired if he wasn't spending nearly 20 hours a week in the gym.

kateandme · 23/08/2022 07:26

jsmith1234 · 21/08/2022 20:26

He did have a stable job at one point and he did want children, just not early in life, it was unplanned however he was excited.

Sorry no.this will sound hard but your still talking and answering stuff.but sweving the vital points and optimal options...why are you with him,he's no good and leave him?!
Stop explaining.dont try to justify.
Read what type of bloke he is in your posts.whwre are his positives.
What would you say to your dc if there partner was treating this way?
You've also not mentioned any actual feeling for him?
His gp can still be as partbof his life as now so don't worry there.im sure they'd love to.^^

Watchamocauli · 23/08/2022 07:27

You both at the age of 21 and 23 are too young to be parents. You need to seek help from both sides of the family to take care of the baby. He seemed immature and maybe doesn't want a family life yet. Don’t marry him until he holds a job down and wants to support you and the baby
Also see all three of you as one unit. Sorry for your predicament. Its a tough one.

Coffeeisamust · 23/08/2022 07:42

You both at the age of 21 and 23 are too young to be parents. You need to seek help from both sides of the family to take care of the baby. He seemed immature and maybe doesn't want a family life yet. Don’t marry him until he holds a job down and wants to support you and the baby
Also see all three of you as one unit. Sorry for your predicament. Its a tough one.

Why do you say that at 21 and 23 they are too young to be parents? I became a parent at 23 and I did not behave like this. In fact I became a single parent at 24 and I also worked and supported and looked after my child who is now a teenager. Plenty of young adults have children and do a good job.

I'm going to outright say that it's actually not all that difficult to care for one baby. This man is just being a complete and utter selfish waste of space. It says it all that he doesn't even hold down a job.

Iknowforsure1 · 23/08/2022 07:45

@Watchamocauli
Possibly will go against the grain here, however I don’t see how it is fair to request help from the family.
It was a choice to have this baby, why it always has to be someone else to pay the price? Some of us had no choice whatsoever and raised children independently due to family being so far away. Maybe some responsibility is what this man child needs, NOT help.
23 is NOT young by any stretch of imagination. Come on… when do people become adults these days? 23 is too young to be serious and hold a job? Wow

DashboardConfessional · 23/08/2022 07:49

Iknowforsure1 · 23/08/2022 07:10

It’s so funny? Does he want to be attractive by going to the gym? Because having no work (why he’s not working and getting all this help???), avoiding his baby, or playing 9-10 hours video games sounds as unattractive and disgusting as can be.
He’s not too young at 23. At this age most people eased their children in the past. I held a responsible professional position at this age full time.
He needs to go and you know it OP. He’s no father and he’s no partner.

Men like this normally pick the gym because it's an excuse to be out of the house and they think that if the woman complains they can say she's trying to stop him looking after his health and fitness. "She is stopping me going to the pub" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Underroad · 23/08/2022 07:53

My first LTB. He is bringing nothing to your relationship, household or family. He is not working, not looking after the baby, not being a dad and not respecting you or even showing you love. If you left him, you would be better off financially and you’re doing everything anyway so it won’t make much difference there. He will have to have the baby regularly for contact time which will give you a break. You would be far better off without this waste of human skin.

WisherWood · 23/08/2022 07:57

He doesn’t work, he is on universal credit. He has had a variety of jobs but gets fed up and quits.

I would at least put the marriage on hold and preferably leave him. And make very sure your contraception works well. If you have one child on your own that's manageable but if you have a second it will only get more difficult to leave.

He's not going to change, at least not for many, many years and not because you try to make him change. This situation will only get worse, not better, if you stay with him.

ChunkyLegsandKinderEggs · 23/08/2022 07:58

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

My DH can train for 20 hours pw in a pre-race training block, however he makes sure that this has minimal impact on family life. He’ll get up at 4am and train before work, or use his ‘lunch break’ (he’s self employed), or do a session late at night if needed.

Leaving you alone every evening is not ok. Quite frankly I’d be starting my own hobby and telling him you want 50% of evenings off.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/08/2022 07:59

What would you miss if he wasn't there?

BabyDreamers · 23/08/2022 08:00

So he chooses not to work and provide for his child? That would be it for me. What a waste man.

WilsonMilson · 23/08/2022 08:00

Unemployed, can’t keep a job because he gets ‘fed up’. Does not help you with the baby, does not financially support his child. Finally, he chooses to either game for 9-10 hours a day or piss about at the gym 6 nights a week rather than putting his effort into finding a job and/or looking after his son.

OP - this man is an immature piece of shit. Please get rid of him immediately, he has no redeeming qualities and you’re being taken for a total mug.

Chooksnroses · 23/08/2022 08:03

I note you call him fiancé. Whatever you do, don't even think about marrying him!

You are both very young, and this is the problem. He's a little boy still wanting to act like a little boy. You, though younger, have stepped up to your responsibilities and are much more mature.

Even five days a week is much too much, even if you didn't have a baby to look after. How does he afford the gym? Is he expecting to eat certain foods that will support the physical work he's doing on his body? Is he really going to the gym?

Do you have family of your own who could help you and your baby leave? Though his parents sound lovely, and I would not lose touch with them, the baby needs good grandparents.

Jamaisy82 · 23/08/2022 08:03

No you are definitely not being unreasonable. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if you went out 6 nights a week for a few hours and left him alone with the baby. I think 2 times is enough. If he needs to go 6 times tell him you are going to do the same and follow up a hobby of yours which you will also be doing 6 times a week and he can mind baby.

1994girl · 23/08/2022 08:05

Apologies but what an absolute knob. I've got a 6 week old and although my partner is working full time he has been an absolute godsend. Helping with nappy changes, feeding him and interacting with him. If your partner is like this now, he will never change and is missing out on a special bond with his baby and it won't help your mental health. The only thing I can advise is sit down with him again and say how you're feeling. If he's still being an asshole, you and your child are probably better off without. Confused

Watchamocauli · 23/08/2022 08:06

You’re dwelling on the issue instead of finding a solution. I was offering a solution.
They made a mistake theres no need to dwell and suffer. If GPs or family can help then why not. Plenty are happy to do it.

I said 23 is young to start a family. At 23 people start building their careers, traveling to gain new experiences and making money to have a future family. Unless her finace is relying on his family money, he needs to start earning.

BanjoVio · 23/08/2022 08:06

You used the word ‘help’ or ‘helping’ several times and I think this underpins the problem. He sees pitching in with the baby as ‘helping’ you, when really you should be equal members of the same team. Would you see any member of a football team or a doubles partner in tennis as a ‘helper’? To ‘help’ with a responsible task is what children do or when people see someone else is in charge. That’s not parenting.

Watchamocauli · 23/08/2022 08:08

Iknowforsure1 · 23/08/2022 07:45

@Watchamocauli
Possibly will go against the grain here, however I don’t see how it is fair to request help from the family.
It was a choice to have this baby, why it always has to be someone else to pay the price? Some of us had no choice whatsoever and raised children independently due to family being so far away. Maybe some responsibility is what this man child needs, NOT help.
23 is NOT young by any stretch of imagination. Come on… when do people become adults these days? 23 is too young to be serious and hold a job? Wow

You’re dwelling on the issue instead of finding a solution. I was offering a solution.
They made a mistake theres no need to dwell and suffer. If GPs or family can help then why not. Plenty are happy to do it.

I said 23 is young to start a family. At 23 people start building their careers, traveling to gain new experiences and making money to have a future family. Unless her finace is relying on his family money, he needs to start earning.

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