Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

[jsmith1234]

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

And Jesus Christ don’t marry him.

Apologies, my comments re planned or unplanned read badly. What I mean is everyone who has sex knows pregnancy is a possibility. He knew it could happen.

Why are you settling for so little? What’s happened to you that means you think this is acceptable?

I mean. This is it, this is your life with him, he isn't going to change. The baby is here, the time to "step up" has long been here, and he's just increasing his hobby time. Nothing we say will change it, his own parents can't get him to pull his head out of his arse and apparently you can't convince him either.

I suggest doing all you can to better your own situation (did you complete the uni courses, for example?) Because you can only rely on yourself here.

You should absolutely leave this manchild but I imagine you won't so you might as well get used to being the breadwinner and only parent. I'm sorry.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant again/keep it while you're with this to55er.
Tell him what you expect regarding daily childcare duties, and that his self-indulgent gym trips need to play second fiddle. If he needs to get exercise at a gym, why can't he help you more or volunteer for a few hours a day?
You've picked a right winner there!

He isnt working then going to the gym 2/3 hours a day is fine surely. Isnt the issue that you dont feel supported and that isnt going to change by stopping him going out every day - it is controlling on your part but he sounds like a waste of space who cant hold down a job.

I'd plan to move forward as a single parent, stop trying to push happy families and plan a better future.

Hard NO to this. He is a waster. You need to leave him. Better alone than having this fuckwit around when he feels like it.

What is the point of him?

Christ, he sounds like an absolute loser. Tell him he needs to get a job to support his child and frankly it’s embarrassing that at the age of 23 he can’t hold down a job. Even better, dump him and raise your standards. You sound like a lovely mum and both you and your child deserve better!

This is so sad. You and your child deserve better than someone who has his priorities so badly wrong.

I got a bit narked when you said that he doesn't work, is on UC and yet can afford the gym 6 days a week.
Christ alive!

Is he even contributing to family life?

I'd be getting really controlling by chucking his stuff onto the front garden and changing the locks.

Never, ever ever tell yourself he'll change, never marry him. He's a lazy, self centred bu@@er who avoids all responsibility and is happy letting you do all the work. Make plans to get him out of your life.

As a fellow gym addict, and parent myself. 2-3 hours is extreme and there is genuinely no excuse OP. He's definitely checked out!

You need to start going out for the same amount of time.

What does he do all day?

I'm failing to see any merits in this person. He needs to get a job. In the meantime he can do his working out in the morning. He isn't helping, he isn't working, he seems happy to live on benefits. What kind of role model is that? Where does that leave you?

I’ve put YABU purely because he is a man child and he will never change. Never.
Dump him, he probably won’t even be that bothered as then he won’t be getting nagged and can do what he wants 100% of the time.
You deserve so much better.

For those questioning how he can afford the gym, a budget chain gym can be as low as £15 a month, so it isn’t an expensive hobby… but he is treating the gym like some men treat the pub; a place to hang out with his friends and pretend he has no responsibilities. I’m sorry OP, you sound lovely and deserve so much better!

He’s not going to change, you will be left to take care of everything while he just pleases himself, he’s bringing nothing to this relationship.
On another note you say he is on universal credit not you have a joint claim, if you live together and one or both of you is claiming as a single person that’s benefit fraud.

You need to dump him. He's an immature prick.

I hope your contraception is water tight.

LTB. You're never going to get what you need from this man. I'm so sorry OP.

You're still really young yourself so whilst it will be tough being on your own surely it's better than being with someone who clearly isn't ready to be in this with you.

Played games 9-10 hours a day?! I take it he doesn't work to provide for his family then! I'd be telling him to get a job and start being a father to your child. Otherwise, you're better off without him because he sounds awful and you deserve better. I am amazed that you had a child with someone like this but I suppose it's all in hindsight

My boyfriend is a SAHD and goes to the gym 5 times a week... Once our son is in bed! At the weekend he might go during naptime. His gym routine is important to him, it's his outlet, but it never comes before his family. If we need him - and I'm heavily pregnant and do need him at time - then the gym has to wait.

If he's not looking after your child or working, what is he doing? What's the point of him? You don't need dead weight and you deserve to have you and your child put first on his list of priorities. What a cock.

Please don’t marry him and seriously think about separating .