Son has just turned 3 months and fiancé is going to the gym 6 times per week.

[jsmith1234]

My partner sometimes used to weight lift at home, however recently went to the gym once with his friend. He has now started going 6 nights per week and is gone for 2-3 hours at a time or more. Our son has just turned 3 months old and is teething. Before he joined the gym he used to video game for at least 9-10 hours per day so I’m glad he’s found a healthy hobby, however he still doesn’t help much with the baby and housework. I can tell he thinks he’s making more effort with the feeds and comforting baby to make up for his time spent at the gym, however he is still just doing the bare minimum. Therefore we’ve tried to fit him going to the gym 6 days a week around the babies needs but I’m still the one doing everything.

I’ve spoke to my partner multiple times before coming to Mumsnet, even suggesting that he only goes to the gym 5 times per week instead of 6. When I speak to my partner about going to the gym less, he turns it into an argument and there is no reasoning with him. He says I’m being controlling. I’ve tried explaining that now we have a child, we both have to make sacrifices and compromises. He suggests that I go out with my friends find a hobby which I do have a hobby. We’ve considered alternatives such as going to the gym together but that just isn’t for me I decided.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’ve recently lost a close family member, and have been diagnosed with PTSD regarding my birth, anxiety and depression. Therefore I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally and have been feeling really alone at home, he knows this.

I have a feeling some comments may suggest that he’s playing video games/going to the gym so much because he’s feeling over whelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood and is avoiding it, which I believe is true to an extent with my fiancé. I’ve kind of spoken to him about this he expresses that he finds it hard work and tiring looking after the baby, I said so do I but we have to put our son first!!

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to workout just one day less? I’ve spoke to him about going to the gym less or at least helping out ALOT more with the baby and housework, but he just won’t compromise and I’m really struggling. He left us to go the gym last week when I was feeling unwell, then got really angry when I rang him and asked him to come home as I felt faint.

Has anybody been through a similar situation?? Did you ever resolve it ??

My DH did this. It's a load of bollocks. Tell him 3 times a week for him and 3 times a week for you, so you both get fit, both share baby responsibility and both get a break would be fair. Anything else is an insult to you and him shirking his duties as a father.

Who is paying for the gym?
When did he last work?
What has he provided for his child?

He's fine lol king after the baby tiring - how does he think you find it! And what makes him think it's OK to force you to do it all!
He quits every job he gets because he gets fed up!

His motto? ... When the going gets tough, the tough drop out (and leave their loved ones high and dry) .

So sorry to hear you are suffering his pathetic attitude. You're not finding it easy (and he's making it worse than it needs to be! ) but you're stepping up - well done to you.

You're both young but the main difference between you and the older is that you haven't overcome many of lifes challenges yet, you are in the process of doing that, he is in the process of avoiding it and doesn't want to hear about it and pushes back hard against any reasonable requests that he makes different choices.

Everything he is doing, and has done before shows he will go out of his way to dodge the personal development required to become an adult who can shoulder responsibility and meet challenges with grit and backbone.

He might have muscles but he doesn't have strength of character.

Very sorry you are in this position it must be very tough, don't expect change though, it isn't coming anytime soon. I would not marry him it will make the inevitable 10x harder.

After only being a half-arsed cyclist (rding every 2 weeks ish), my DH went back to work, he suddenly became a fanatic. He went for 3/4/5h rides after work, coming back at midnight. On day 5, I pointed it out to him..that it couldn't Continue. We agreed 1 ride in the week and 1 at the weekend... which he kept up for about 2 weeks, then went back to being a casual cyclist.

I think it's about clinging on to their former self and/or feeling overwhelmed. Hopefully you can open your communication up to have a frank discussion and come to a resolution. 6 times is ridiculous!

OP,

1. drop the ‘fiancé’ status. Do not marry this man unless or until he starts taking responsibility. The reason is simple: you earn , he does not. If you marry your money and assets will be half owned by him. You would not be able to Chuck him out of the ‘marital home’ that you pay for and he lives in. Etc.


2. Think about all this before you go back to work. If he is not earning, and will not do childcare for you to earn, you will end up supporting both him and the baby financially. You may be better off single.


3. Think about your life long term. What are your plans? With care experience and a Uni degree you can build a decent life for you and your baby. Keep up work: pension, professional development, promotion prospects and CV are all an investment, even if childcare makes it break even at a cash level.


4. Be serious and direct with him. Tell him that he is taking no financial or domestic or childcare responsibility and as a young mum yourself you need support and back up. Your Mum is acting like a grown up and like family. He is not. So if he does not like you talking to his Mum he needs to start taking 50% responsibility for your family. Ask him honestly if he is up for the long haul as a Dad. Tell him that you will not support him as a freeloader in the household so he either gets a job and takes a fair share of the household jobs, or he leaves.


5. Under no circumstances have another baby with him.

Excellent advice Supercamp

THIS. Best post on this thread. offering solutions than despairing how bad the situation is. Well done @SuperCamp

He’s not working so being out of the house 2-3 hours shouldn’t be an issue. You’d be on your own far longer if he was working.

What is the issue is, is why isn’t he working? There are loads of jobs around at the moment. And you wouldn’t mind him going if he was pulling his weight the rest of the time. That’s the real issue.

You’d be mad to stay in this relationship as it is.

Teething at 3 months sounds unusual OP - have you discussed your son's symptoms with your health visitor? Do you have good support generally as a new young mum?

Anyway, your partner sounds useless. Is he definitely actually at the gym? Is his gym kit worn/sweaty when he comes home?

I wouldn't normally say this, but he's giving you a very clear message. Don't wait for him to up an leave when he's finally found his balls, take a look at your finances, make a plan for being on your own with your son, and start building the support net work you need to be able to bring up your son alone (which in reality is what you are doing now, but with added deadweight pulling you down).

Even if you don't realise you deserve so much more than this, your son most definitely does.

My ex went daily, or even twice daily at the weekend.. he claimed he ''needed down time''.. aside from not helping with the baby, he didn't cook, do any laundry, clean, shop nor was he capable of loading a dishwasher. I had serious complications during the pregnancy which left my health irretrievably changed and had severe post natal depression. Pushing him to help more was a major factor in our divorce before our child was even 2.. unsurprisingly he's not even done so much as a school run since..

Do not marry this man.

Please don't expect him to change. He will get worse. DH was an unplanned father at 22. The relationship had already failed before I even knew about the pregnancy. He however got a full time job so he could pay maintenance, then had his son every Wednesday night and all weekend from Friday 5pm until Sunday evening once DSS stopped breastfeeding. Young men are fully capable of being great father's. Yours is failing on every level.
Lots of my friends have had similar situations and I can think of 5 who have become single parents and it was without fail much better. The stress is reduced, they have some free time when the dad takes the kids for the (occasional 🙄) weekend. And most importantly their DC don't have to witness a shite unbalanced relationship.
You sound very strong doing it all alone. Good luck 💐

Why on earth would you have decided to have a baby with an idiot like that? What were you thinking? You now have a baby and a man child to support. Next time have a baby with a man not a sperm donor cocklodger.

He’s sounds like one of those dads who will blame you when the baby doesn’t want to go to him.
What are you gaining from this relationship?

You don’t have to put up with this.

In 10 years time is this the relationship you want your 10 year old son to see you in and to be the model of how a relationship should be?
Or would you like him to see his mum as a bright young woman in her early thirties, succeeding at life and her career potentially with a stepdad who truly values her (and him) and cares and respects her....

You are so young. Please don't shackle yourself to this man now. Maybe it will.give him a shake up and he'll get better....or maybe he won't. Either way, LTB works out well/better than the present

No you're not being unreasonable. He sounds like a selfish dick.

Also as I think other PPs have made clear, the issue is not the gym itself, its him not contributing anything to fatherhood or the relationship. Don't let him twist this in to "oh so dad's can't go to the gym? My mate does". As that is not the issue. You can be a good father and partner and go to the gym. he is not

Oh OP, I’m so sorry he’s being like this. You and baby really deserve so much better than this. Sadly it doesn’t sound like he is willing to compromise, which is something we all have to do in relationships! He should make your life better, not more difficult.

I honestly would ask him to leave or move out if you have family you could stay with. Look after yourself 💕

Sorry to say this OP but he’s an absolute arsehole. Drop him like a stone. You and your son deserve better.

This would be bad enough if he were working, but he doesn’t even contribute financially.

Don’t marry him. Cancel any wedding plans- any deposits are sunk costs now.

Get your housing into your name only. In the medium term , plan to be a single parent and think about how you will manage. He’s checked out already.

In the short term, do nothing for him. Buy groceries / baby products for you and the baby only. Do laundry for you and the baby only.

Look into putting in a CMS claim.

So he's well enough to go to the gym but not well enough to get a job delivering for Tesco. Time to say goodbye.

How self-indulgent, selfish and entitled he is- not working, on benefits, allowing his parents to pay financially for his child, spending 6 days a week in the gym while his girlfriend looks after their newborn and annoyed if he is challenged about it.
Leave him.You'd be better off in every way.

I feel so sad for you and your baby. Your fiancé is a lazy, immature kid. He needs to grow a pair and grow up. Kick him out and get on with your life. It’s hard enough having a newborn without having a grown up kid too. I’m sorry but I have dc the same age as you both and I’d give them the same advice.

You can still have a relationship with your child's grandparents without the loser being in the picture. You are gaining nothing from this at all.