Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Well, no, but it is relevant. What were they doing while you were exercising? Was there something for them to do or were they expected to just sit about and wait for you?

No, I said manage it by controlling how much of it he’s doing. Punishing him won’t work, it’ll only breed resentment. The OP should have taken him home at the time, not waited until hours later to take his PlayStation off him. You catch more flies with honey and all that.

The ones being brought up to be grateful and recognising that a lunch out is a treat.

That’s how most of us bring up children. And the OP is absolutely reasonable to be annoyed with her 10 year old for not behaving acceptably.

A nearly 11 year old writhing around on the floor of the shop is not mild or normal? Surely? Presumably he manages a bit of boredom in school ok? Or are there whole classes of 30 year 6's wailing on the floor of the classroom whenever they need to do maths.

As for a cafe being boring - it's no more/less boring than somewhere like mcdonalds! It's a meal out, how entertained does a 10 year old have to be while they are eating! Presumably there wasn't more than a few minutes between him finishing his food and OP finishing hers?

OP it really does sound unusual to me for a child his age not being able to manage a very short time of comparative boredom. Do you usually sit and eat together as a family or is he used to sitting in front of youtube while he's eating?

What did he do for those 40 mins?

Nobody's saying she shouldn't - but just don't pretend it's a treat/bonus for the children when it's pretty much the opposite!

I have 2 boys the same age as yours and often have the same experience when I go shopping which grumpiness and Whinging.
I have had to read the riot act with DS 10 about how much I do for him and how much of my time and money I give up. I usually get a very sorry boy afterwards. I would be taking screens away for 24 hours after this and promising a longer ban if this happened again.

No this is not alright behaviour… This is how kids grow up entitled and lacking boundaries… I pity his teachers and class mates having to deal with this… He should not have been allowed to go on YouTube and there should be effective consequences to his actions but because there is not that’s why he feels he can behave in such a manner. From the sounds of it this is not new .. you better nip it in the bud before he comes a complete nightmare as a teen

Pumperthepumper
Boring them shitless and then punishing them for it is appalling parenting.

Are you being serious. You honestly believe that kids should never be bored ? That as a parent it is your duty to ensure they are never required to do something that does supply instant gratification for them at all times ?

It's a completely batshit philosophy. What about homework in a subject they aren't interested in ? Do you just say 'never mind petal, it's boring for you so don't bother' ? Supermarket shopping with no other childcare option ? 'Oh never mind. It makes you bored - so we won't eat' ?

Sorry but I have raised 7 and there isn't the remotest possibility they weren't 'bored shitless' multiple times in their lives - but luckily they were bought up in such a way that they never once behaved in the fashion described because they were not indulged to bring about this degree of self absorbed behaviour.

There comes a time when they need to understand that you have to put up and shut up for the sake of others needs. In this case the mother doing some shopping.

@Pumperthepumper

This is what you said. You said ‘manage his behaviour’ by ‘not trailing him round.’ So allow him not to do it. You’re changing it now to imply you were suggesting he work up to it or works with what he can do etc. But that’s not what you said, you said here that she should just ‘not trail him about’ ie make sure he has his own way to avoid poor behaviour.

@KilaJumana no not at all. I think it's good for them to learn that boring stuff happens too but I would try where possible to either match it with a 'kid friendly activity' to break it up rather than watch parent exercise, watch parent browse shopping and then sit at table for lunch.

Like park on the way there or something. Maybe their choice for lunch something like that.

I also wouldn't then be straight on YouTube after if it has left me 'shaking'

Maybe managing both children and parent expectations

And avoiding what he dislikes isn’t ‘managing his behaviour.’ It’s bowing to his demands and tantrums.

I don’t know how you could possibly have read that I said they shouldn’t ever be bored. I said the OP needs to manage the behaviour instead of waiting for him to get to this state and then punishing him for it. That’s all.

Really? I'd hate to see what you consider bad behaviour...

’The solution is to manage his behaviour by not trailing him round the exercise, cafe and sales’

Is what I said.

And yep, he should not have been rewarded with YouTube time!

I was at a family gathering recently and was really puzzled at my 5 yr old nephews accent. He's from Cornwall and his dad speaks with quite a strong local accent. The child's accent was difficult to make out, transatlantic maybe. His aunt who's a teacher straightaway said that it was because he watches YouTube and she hears this all the time in her classroom.
Going back to the behaviour issue I'd have warned him , taken him out when there was no improvement and there would have to be repercussions for him.

No you didn’t. You said ‘manage his behaviour by not trailing him round the shops and café’ because ‘bored 10 year olds act up.’ Avoiding the things he tantrums about is not the solution to this poor behaviour.

I have a neurodiverse 11 yo who is perfectly capable of going into behaviour like this from overwhelm and anticipation issues. That means he needs managing.

I set out an itinary of what we need to do, sometimes with plan A and plan B.
There's an incentive- normally a browse in the toy shop if he behaves well.
If his behaviour is poor then he loses screen time in increments.
If he is overwhelmed beyond rational behaviour, he is removed and we find somewhere quiet until he is able to cope with regular levels of function.

There is a compromise to be had. I'm doing no one favours if he has to tag along with a great overwhelming list of chores. Likewise, never taking him out on a day like that is skipping essential social training.

Today he didn't want to go on a little bike ride. He was given 3 choices: ride at park A that has an activity he likes (incentive), ride at park B that is flat or walk at park B while DS2 rides and have no screen time for the rest of the day. Predictably he took the first choice, and we ignored the initial grumbling while he burned that out of his system (rather than aggravating him by challenging it as we'd basically won the main battle, and he wasn't disturbing anyone else on this occasion.)

It can be a draining psychological war at times but children need boundaries, clear expectations, consequences and some little wins along the way. A neurotypical child is usually far easier to train than a ND one from my experience of one of each

Aaah poor little diddums getting bored by mum's every day life. Needs to learn how to behave. It can't always be about him and what he wants

I think the solution is 'you stuffed up what I wanted/needed to do with your bad behaviour, and the resulting consequence is that now I'm stuffing up what you want to do, and removing the screens for the rest of the day. Being a smart boy, I'm sure you can figure out the cause and effect, and perhaps remember this the next time you attempt to manipulate me with bad behaviour'.

I was at a family gathering recently and was really puzzled at my 5 yr old nephews accent. He's from Cornwall and his dad speaks with quite a strong local accent. The child's accent was difficult to make out, transatlantic maybe. His aunt who's a teacher straightaway said that it was because he watches YouTube and she hears this all the time in her classroom.
Going back to the behaviour issue I'd have warned him , taken him out when there was no improvement and there would have to be repercussions for him.

Oh, god nightmare 🤣🤣🤣

It really isn’t normal for a kid of his age to behave like that, whether in school or in a shop.

and that’s because they know what the reprocussions will be.

so what if he was bored? He just had a nice treat (meal in M&S cafe) and he behaved like a brat.

definitely have a strong conversation about how unacceptable his behaviour was and then take away his gadgets. Let him be really bored, with no You Tube, no TV, no games consoles.

oh and tell him to think about what he did and then come and apologise for ruining everyone’s day.

I understand how this trip out turned into a bit of a nightmare. You were upset and embarrassed ... and your son knew that. It's a bit late now but next time (and there will be a next time) you just need to rigidly impose a natural and logical consequence. You couldn't do something and so now he won't be able to (use his computer). Once you say what the consequence is you MUST keep to it. After a while his tyrannical conduct will abate.

@babynoname22 ah I see. Mine are now 19 and 16 and as a sahm I have dragged them to places but they knew if I could get stuff without them I would but sometimes they just need to suck it up. OP's child was promised something, football related. I assume he lost that after his behaviour. Although mine would never have come home and been allowed on YouTube. But then I am a stubborn bugger who will hold out far longer than my children can