Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Since when did everything have to be a treat for children?

For goodness sake when did parents start all this nonsense. I certainly would not have got away with such behaviour when I was a child.

Even the playing up having lunch is wrong. What happens when you eat at home? Does he not sit and eat nicely? Also if he doesn't know how to behave then do not let him leave the table until everyone has finished their meal

I don’t think it’s helpful to consider what he ‘ought to’ be able to do at this age. Clearly today he wasn’t able to. His behaviour was frustrating for you to the point that you feel shaky and tearful. Your expectations of him (to sit still, hang around, do boring errands, etc) were frustrating to him to the point that he wasn’t able to manage himself appropriately.

I find it helpful with my kid to recognise that he has unusual difficulty with tolerating frustration - and that the main reason this winds me up as much as it does is because I have the same difficulty (so when his behaviour frustrates me I very quickly become impatient and ratty). Recognising this helps me not get us into a horrible spiral of annoying one another, and helps me find a bit of compassion for him and not expect him to submit uncomplainingly to my agenda.

(also, going against the grain here re: screen time, but it’s possible this is really calming for him and helps him regulate his emotions. Screen-time sanctions are totally counterproductive much of the time - they massively escalate any existi family conflicts without helping anyone understand why the conflicts are actually happening).

have a read of The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings.

I very clearly did say that. I also said something along the lines of ‘next time miss the sale out’. You’re too desperate to label the OP’s kid as some kind of deviant instead of just a bored kid.

Mine are banned from you tube. The impact on their behaviour was obvious.

Can’t or won’t ?? Being good parents does not mean you have to always appease your child wants … How does he survive the day at school .. Children displaying bad behaviour can also be a choice a child makes in order to get their own way; so parents should just give in ?

Take away his screens and give him a book.

Kids have absolutely no attention span anymore. They're also not bored nearly enough: they're constantly entertained and can't deal with entertaining themselves.

When was the last time he made up a game, or wrote a story, or coloured a picture, or did anything that required imagination?

If by misbehaving while out in order to get home and back on YouTube works, why would you imagine his acting up would improve. The times I've heard of parents copping out of limiting tech time because their kids kick off is countless. Either deal with the problem or suck up the consequences.

Not everything has to be a treat - I haven't once said that it does.

But I think the 10yo was set up to fail here. He's too old to enjoy a "day out with mum" in the same way the 6yo is. From his viewpoint, he was dragged to an exercise class, then round the shops, then to a boring "old persons" cafê for lunch. None of that is appealing to him and I'm not surprised he was sick of it after a while.

That's not to say his behaviour is acceptable but the whole day could have been handled differently. A mixture of parent/child activities would have been much better than a whole day centred around mum before finding a field to play football in on the way home.

So, for example, exercise class for OP, lunch at McDonald's/Pizza Hut for the kids, then the shops OP wanted to visit, then a trip somewhere for the kids (park, toy shop, ice-cream) etc. Not because "everything has to be a treat" but because otherwise, you're just planning a very boring day for your children and it shouldn't be surprising that they show their boredom somehow.

Did you actually explain to him what was going to happen throughout the day or just expect him to follow you around? I'm not sure the concern about him becoming a controlling adult are valid. If an adult was bored I'd expect them to go off and do something more to their liking while you exercised and shopped, not follow you around.

It really isn't. I don't think I've ever in my 69 years seen a ten year old playing up like that, 2 year olds lying on the floor when they don't get what they want (if they even know what they want) but a ten year old? He should have felt embarrassed as I'm sure a fair few people were staring at him.

A day at school is broken up so the kids aren't just doing work all day, though.

They can play before school, then lessons, then break/playtime, then lessons, then lunch with friends and more play, then lessons, then home. This day was just (for a 10yo) boring "mum" stuff with no break for anything fun.

I did notice when my 10 yr olds I pad broke he was a lovely boy again. Playing with his toys and more around and inquiring

It's so hard to limit screen time if it's there.

But also he was exactly the same, if it wasn't about him he wasn't interested! Boundaries and a big fat no to getting screen time until he can behave (next time)

Wow, that’s like an object lesson in what not to do if you want your kid to be a useful member of society.

Kids that age need to know

life is sometimes boring. So what. deal with it.

the world does not revolve around you and your wants. You need to be considerate towards other people

if you whinge, moan and roll around on the floor like a toddler, you will be treated like a toddler and go to bed nice and early.

"A full morning of self indulgence"! Are you for real?

Parents are entitled to a life after having children. Some exercise and a look at the M&S sale is hardly self indulgent.

If every day is to be filled with fun activities and children must never be bored for a second they are going to get a rude awakening some day

Jesus Christ.

I’m sure at 10-11, my boys would have behaved pretty well in this scenario. If they didn’t, there would have been consequences. We were going to the cinema once, we were early so I wanted to browse a shop quickly. One of them was an absolute ass in the shop, so he got no treats in the cinema. I would have refused the cinema but that would have been unfair on the one who had behaved well.

In your situation, I would have banned YouTube for the rest of the day and made sure he understood why. He is old enough to understand these consequences and boundaries for behaviour when out.

Parents have to be able to live their life, and do tasks like shopping. If I am caring for my 10 year old grandson, he sometimes has to come with me on various errands, he helps me with food shopping, going to look for things I can't find etc. I would be mortified if he behaved like that.

My DS won't let the children watch you tube even with the parental controls providers find a way around them

Don't argue with him just switch off the router. No drama it's off

I don’t think he’s a deviant. I think he’s a poorly behaved child who isn’t acting appropriately - possibly because of an addiction to/reliance on computers and YouTube, possibly because he knows he’ll get his way if he behaves badly. Either way it’s not ok to behave badly just because you’re bored.

I don't like the bit re teasing his brother about wearing pink. I'd stamp on that straight away.

I wouldn't let a 10year old on YouTube either (but I know that's fairly standard for a lot of them).

Mine would have probably moaned a bit at going to M and S on a sunny Sunday though.

Ok so he’s had a boring day doing things that weren’t his choice. However at his age I would shower him to understand that you don’t always get to do exactly as you please. So tough to a certain extent.
Therefore I would go and take his tech from him for today as a consequence of stopping you from doing what you wanted.
Honestly if you don’t start being stricter and getting a grip now about selfish stuff like this, now it will be hell when they hit the teenage years.

Next time miss the sale out?! Why? Op's younger child could behave himself, there's no reason her 10 year old couldn't.
Telling her not to go shopping is bloody ridiculous.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s ok.

The discussion is about how to improve his behaviour. To me, that’s by not trailing him around the forty minute exercise, cafe and sales but by realising that’s too much for him and cutting that short. For others, that’s by saying he’s abnormal and to punish him.

Tough if he found it boring and was sick of it. That's life and he is old enough to start learning that.

Why on earth would mum want to eat at McDonalds or Pizza Hut? That, I am sure, would be the child's choice but, again, why do they get their crap food and why do so many children today want to eat crap food?

I think being bored and having to do crap stuff like going round the shops is good for children.